Friday, December 9, 2011

Dear Universe: Part 3

Dear Universe,

Perhaps I was unclear in our previous conversations. Yes, I work in a small school. Yes, it is the kind of place where people are all up in your business and generally overshare. Yes, I am used to that.  But, you have to knock this shit off. Stop putting me in situations that might seriously jeopardize my sanity, or at least my job.

This morning:
Me: "Yes! Fresh coffee!" <happy dance>

Preggo in danger of sporking: "I really miss coffee. There are so many things I can't do while I'm pregnant. What I wouldn't give for a glass of wine! And sushi...don't get me started on how much I miss sushi..."

Me: "Oh, yeah." <secretly plugging my ears and singing "la la la la la">

Preggo: "I mean, everyone thinks it's so easy but being pregnant is hard!"

Me: <eyeing the door> "Gotta run!"
The End

Really!? I am getting dangerously close to putting her in her place. I have started to fantasize about how I would phrase it. Inspired by some of the comments on my previous letters, I have narrowed it down to something like this:

Me: "Preggo, I am not the person to whom you want to be saying things like that. I like you a lot, and we have  worked together for a long time, but I am telling you that you are being incredibly insensitive. You are extremely lucky to be carrying a healthy baby. Ask anyone who has ever had a miscarriage, dealt with infertility, or a complicated pregnancy how much they would want to switch places with you. If I had to puke my brains out every day for 9 months, I would gladly take that in exchange for a healthy baby. So you bitching about giving up your Dunkin? STFU."

Preggo: <stunned silence>

Me: Now, go apologize to everyone who has had to listen to your daily pregnancy rants. You have been spoken to about this by your boss several times (true story), and you didn't stop. Maybe now you will."

Preggo: "Yes, Her Royal Fabulousness. You are right. Now here is $1,000,000."

Ok, maybe that last bit was pushing it, but you get the idea.

Universe, if you don't start working with me, this will become war.

Spork in hand,


  1. She's an idiot who has no idea how lucky she is. If it were me, I'd say something to her. I can't tell you how many people I've told at work, after they made some comment about how "there must be something in the water" since there are three people due this month that it's actually NOT THAT EASY to get pregnant. And I have said when they counted the months backward and said, "What was going ON in April? Was there a snowstorm or something?", "Actually, April for me was when my follicles were ripe enough to harvest, fertilize, grow in a lab for three days, and transfer back into my uterus."

    I know you may not be as comfortable being open with IF at work, because that invites a whole bunch of other stupid comments and assvice, but I'd rather share too much and make people feel like shit than protect my dignity. But I'm a vindictive bitch like that! hahahaha

    Or, you know, you could just realllllly savor the coffee loudly in her presence. "Oh my goodness, this coffee is so smooth and delicious and perking me up just so! I feel like a million bucks! I'm having sushi for lunch! I'm rolling around on a bed of chirashi right now, in fact! And my water bottle is filled with vodka! Want some?"

    And p.s. I totes have been eating sushi (but not tuna) since about 12 weeks. And it's safe to have a little bit of coffee if you want.

  2. Oooh, I like option B of rubbing forbidden substances in her face. "Mmmm lunch meat!" :) LOL

    Actually, I am wrestling with the idea of being more public in a piece I am writing (first freelancing gig ever!). More on that to come!

    You are actually my hero in terms of being so upfront with everyone about your treatment. I <3 you.

  3. I wasn't upfront while I was going through it, though. Or even that we were TTC, because omg the "You just need to relax!" would make me crazy. But I'm happy to come by your workplace and punch her in the face.

  4. I'm with SKB: tell the bitch she's out of line. She's clearly whining for attention (which is just pain childish). Yes, annoying office inquiries could follow, but you may have people thank you. I hate whiners for any reason, so I would give you a medal!

  5. Honestly, you should say something to her. Nothing long and detailed, just something like, "you are very lucky. please don't take it for granted." or "some people would give up all of that and more to have a baby."

    Then simply walk away without giving her a chance to respond. That way she will think about it without answering back with something spontaneous and possibly ignorant.

    I also like the idea of bring all the things she cant' have (besides wine) to lunch and eating it in front of her.


  6. Yuck, I wouldn't be able to stand to be around her.

  7. Girl, you are hilarious!! That biatch is begging for a sporking (OK, now that sounded dirty...)! I would probably go with ADSchill on this one and just make the quick comment and run, maybe she'll figure it out on her own and feel like an idiot.

  8. I know I overpost this link in my comments and on my blog, but it's just sooooo true!

  9. Ugh. She should be told to knock it off, although sounds like her boss has already made several attempts to do so? Can you get an HR esque person involved? Sorry. That blows...

  10. I hear you! I am a teacher who lost a baby recently at 16 weeks. I got trapped at the staff Christmas party with the newly pregnant one complaining about how she couldn't fit into her clothes and how good the wine smelled. I wanted to punch her in the face, but opted to smile and go get a refill on that wine! Good luck to you in January!


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