Thursday, January 3, 2013

Holy Shit. I'm a Mom.

Meet Little Fab...aka My Son

As much as I thought life was nuts before I went into labor on Christmas Eve, I had no idea how crazy it was about to get. Although finishing up at work before my leave was stressful, it seems ridiculous now to call myself "busy" when all I had to do was work. I also had no idea how little I knew about the reality of becoming, then being, a mom. In other words, holy shit my world has been upside down since the day LF were born.

While I have fresh memories, let's recount events. I started having irregular back contractions 2 days before Christmas. These were painful but unpredictable, so we had to wait it out. Unfortunately, by the time they were regular, on Christmas Eve, I was already 2 days sleep deprived! Although I had hoped to avoid an IV, epidural, etc. I knew I needed help in order to make it through delivery. Amazing how quickly a "birth plan" becomes a flexible idea. I ended up with an epidural due to how long I had already been working through the contractions. Honestly, in the middle of labor, I wondered how on earth women make it through med-free deliveries. My hat is 100% off to those who can do it. I learned that I am not one of those women. I mean, I had an epidural and I still felt as though I was never going to make it.

Labor took a long time, and I pushed for almost 3 hours, but LF arrived at 1:29 PM on Christmas Day. He was a hefty 8 pounds, 6 ounces, and 20 inches long. The OB who delivered me was amazing (I like him better than my actual OB!) as were the nurses. He really helped me avoid bad tearing. In the end, only a one degree tear and some minor other ones. Physically, I'm feeling pretty good, other than serious swelling in my feet and legs and some tenderness in the nether regions.

In the hospital, all was well with breastfeeding. But, since coming home, we have had a lot of problems with nursing that made caring for LF really stressful. We aren't 100% sure why, but my milk still has not really come in (10 days later) and my little man quickly let us know that colostrum was NOT going to be enough by about day 3 and a half. He was really frantically hungry and unable to be consoled. We really struggled with what to do, but he lost more than 10% of his body weight and were advised to begin supplementing with formula. For those who instantly are about to criticize our choice, you should have been in our apartment the first three days. He would scream frantically every half hour, despite being nursed as often as he demanded. It was heartbreaking and I began to have a really serious issue with my anxiety. No one could function and even KG started to hit his breaking point.

Now, with nursing, pumping (achingly small amounts) and formula, LF is gaining weight and is MUCH more happy and calm. The last couple of days have been much better. The milk issue is a major disappointment for me and the theories are: PCOS rearing its ugly head, anxiety, some medication I take, and lack of sleep.  I'm still hoping at some point this will happen. But, I'm also coming to terms with letting go of control and understanding this may be a formula fed baby, despite our efforts. It's just frustrating - first with infertility (failure of my ovaries) followed by failure of my boobs.

What's been even more challenging is the adjustment to being a parent. We are totally in love with our baby, but really, no one can prepare you for the changes that come with bringing a newborn home. It's like there is no normal right now, and everything we took for granted (showers, eating and sleeping at the same time as KG, making phone calls, etc.) are all actual goals for the day. I'm not saying I resent any of this. We are exceptionally lucky to be where we are. But, I have found it difficult in these first days to be the glowing picture of motherhood you see on TV. Instead, I relish in the moments when I change out of pjs and into actual clothes for the day.

KG is really good at seeing the big picture: the newborn days are limited. There will be smiles, giggles, fun activities, and much more interaction as LF grows. But, I get a little caught up in the hour-to-hour exhaustion of right now. KG has always been an amazing partner, but he has also quickly turned into an AMAZING father. He has been there for both of us every single second, without fail. He never ceases to amaze me.

I have several posts in mind, including one about the future of this blog, in the works. But, forgive me as I stumble around for a while.

Edited to add: MissConception's post about post partum says a lot of things I feel much more eloquently than I can right now. It's amazing and real.


30 comments:

  1. Don't beat yourself up about the formula. Hopefully your boobs will start working, but if they don't then your LF will still get some nutritional value/immunity from the milk that you do produce.

    Good luck getting some sleep!

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  2. Wow! He is absolutely amazing and the cutest little guy ever. Look at all that dark hair he has. Congrats on your little boy and don't let anyone make you feel bad about the choices you make for your son.

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  3. Oh I so understand how you feel about your milk not coming in. Two weeks after our twins wre born, I finally gave up pumping as i was getting so little. We started supplementing in the hospital too as they were losing weight and were so fussy!!!! What a difference getting some food makes :)

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  4. I have been WAITING to hear from you! OMG, he is completely precious and adorable. I love his alert little blue eyes and full head of spiky brown hair! And a Christmas baby! Something so special about that (not in a religious way, just in the "what an awesome gift" way). As someone pregnant with a boy, I'll admit I'm dying to know what you named him but totally get that you don't want to make that public. Can you maybe just email me the name? LOL.

    I'm so in awe of women who have made it to the other side. I'm on my way there and it still feels lightyears away. Thanks for lighting the way. And best of luck to you as you navigate these challenging first few weeks. xo

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  5. Welcome Little Fab!!! He is such a beautiful Christmas baby! I'm so very happy for you guys. I've missed hearing from you. But now I understand why you've been so busy so you are excused. ;)

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  6. AHHHH!!! He's adorable!! Welcome to the world, LF. Speaking from one Christmas session baby to another, I hope that winter becomes one of your favorite sessions and that the Christmas session is filled with many special memories.

    Thank you also for writing such a candid post. Too often, we forget that having a newborn is quite a life-adjustment and, like any new relationship, it takes time. So thank you for being courageous enough to share your journey.

    You are doing an amazing job and I have faith that as the days go by things will get easier and you and KG will fall into more a routine. Thinking of you and the family!

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  7. Wow! Congrats on your adorable little boy!!! I had no idea you ha given birth until you left a comment on my blog! I quickly came to check ou the news! :)

    He is precious, I so happy for you that things are back on track. How extremely stressful of a situation! I'm so glad he is healthy and thriving well. So many of us going through the same thing right now! Motherhood is no joke! :) trying to find time to type out Everleighs birth story, so not gonna happen soon! ;)

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  8. Wow, congrats on your precious little boy!! I had no idea you has given birth until you left a comment on my blog. He is so darn sweet looking.

    So many of us going through the same things right now! Motherhood is no joke! :)

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  9. Oh my, what a little sweetheart!! That face!!

    Huge congrats to you, dear. I'm so sorry about the milk woes and hope you figure it all out soon, whether it's formula all the way or whatever.

    So thrilled for you!

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  10. Oh, so precious! Congratulations!! I'm sorry you're having a tough time right now, but so happy to hear that he's here. Miss C's. post is dead on. The beginning is freaking hard! The hormonal crash mixed with sleep deprevation with a dash of anxiety thrown in for fun makes for some pretty crazy thoughts that I haven't heard many people talk about. It will eventually get easier. Even if its impossible to imagine how right now. I'm available if you need some local support. L and I are pretty good at getting out and about. We're happy to meet up for a coffee and vent any time!

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  11. Congratulations! He is so adorable!!!
    Newborns aren't always easy.....spending days in your pj's just taking care of him are normal. Enjoy this newborn time, time really does fly!!

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  12. I've been wondering how you were doing. CONGRATS!!!! That is such a beautiful photo he is so adorable. Don't feel bad about your milk not coming in it took quite some time for my college roommates milk to come in she had to initially use formula but once it came in she switched to breast milk with no problem. Enjoy your little boy he is precious!

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  13. Congratulations! What a handsome little guy!

    No judgement here on formula - I did it all (nursing/pumping/formula) because that what I had to do to feed my girl. And you do whatever you have to do to feed your guy. As frustrating as it is, not all of have boobs that work right!

    If you haven't found Ask Moxie yet, checkout her website. Pretty much every question you might be wondering about has been covered there over the years - and her community is just as wonderful as the one Mel has gathered at Stirrup Queens.

    Also: that glowing picture of motherhood is always portrayed by someone who has actually not given birth / spent actual time recently with an infant / has had professional make up & hair done. For me, it was a GREAT day when I managed to get out of my pj's / stretchy clothes. Hang in there!

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  14. Congratulations!!!!! He is wonderful! Newborns are hard! You can do it!!!

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  15. Ahh! Congrats, momma! He's beautiful!

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  16. Congratulations! LF is beautiful!!!!!!

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  17. Congrats!!! A little Christmas Miracle! Funny - seems like low milk production is common with us infertiles. You are the 4th (including myself) who is having issues in this department from the blogging community. Newborns are HARD!! Good luck and be easy on yourself!

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  18. Congrats! I hear alot of these same reactions from many new moms! What you are prepared for can not be explained and although it is an incredible blessing, it is still difficult at the same time.

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  19. Oh my gosh, congratulations! He is absolutely beautiful and I'm glad labor and delivery went as smoothly as they did. I know the early days are incredibly tough, hang in there and best of luck to the whole family!

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  20. Congratulations! This really snuck up on me! I can't believe he is here! My resolution this year was to let more go and not stress about everything. Sounds like LF is doing the same for you! Best wishes to all of you. He is very sweet.

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  21. Congratulation, mama! He is adorable! Hopefully soon, you'll have a nice little routine going, and it won't be so hard to get out of your pj's every day.

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  22. Congratulations!!! I was so excited to see your post title!!! He is sooooo cute!!!

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  23. so much love and congratulations to you - and thank you so much for your candid post here, the more posts like this I read the more it makes me feel like whatever we have to do to get through the first few weeks (months?) will be just fine... that all experiences are 'normal.' WIshing you huge good luck with all the feeds and beyond.

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  24. Congratulations! He is so cute and adorable!!!
    Good Luck with the feeding routine and first month.

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  25. Congratulations!

    It is so hard to see the next stage coming when you're in the middle of a hard stage, but that day will come when it isn't quite so exhausting. Sending lots of good thoughts!

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  26. Congrats! I have what might seem like an odd suggestion for sleep. My husband and I started going to bed with our son at around 7:30 when he was really small - basically right after dinner. I know that seems insanely early, but when you are giving yourselves 11 or 12 hours of time in bed (I tended to wake up when he went to work) you find you still get a decent amount of sleep even with all the newborn interruptions.

    I had pretty much exactly the same experience with breastfeeding you are going through - a vaginal delivery and yet my milk came in really late for no good reason. My son lost over a pound of birth weight, we had to supplement, and I had to pump. My milk did eventually come in (I don't recall exactly when but it was after the 10 day mark). I finally had an OK supply but sadly never a full one (I made about half of what he needed). Here's hoping it works out better for you!

    Good Luck!

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  27. Congrats! I have what might seem like an odd suggestion for sleep. My husband and I started going to bed with our son at around 7:30 when he was really small - basically right after dinner. I know that seems insanely early, but when you are giving yourselves 11 or 12 hours of time in bed (I tended to wake up when he went to work) you find you still get a decent amount of sleep even with all the newborn interruptions.

    I had pretty much exactly the same experience with breastfeeding you are going through - a vaginal delivery and yet my milk came in really late for no good reason. My son lost over a pound of birth weight, we had to supplement, and I had to pump. My milk did eventually come in (I don't recall exactly when but it was after the 10 day mark). I finally had an OK supply but sadly never a full one (I made about half of what he needed). Here's hoping it works out better for you!

    Good Luck!

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  28. He's beautiful! Keep up the good work mama! Don't worry about the boob issue, I have been there too, you do what you can do when you can and if you need to supplement so what - you are keeping your little one happy and healthy and whatever you can give him is a big help as well. Congrats to you and the Mr.

    Enjoy these fun moments and all of the changes he'll be going through - what a lovely present!

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  29. Popping in from Mel's round up last week...so well said, this post. Especially, "no one can prepare you for the changes that come with bringing a newborn home" so very true.

    Congratulations on the birth of your son.

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  30. Oh my, how beautiful is he!!! I am so happy for you and this journey and how it has resulted in this amazing little person. Worth the wait. And understandable, you are taking on a role that no way you could truly know how to do... You are smart, amazing and already a wonderful mother you are going to make it, and your hubs sounds like he is just the support that you need. XOXO LF is BEAUTIFUL, Congrats!!!!

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