Monday, April 30, 2012

White Knuckles

 This post contains very delicate information. If you know me in my non-blogosphere life, please don't share the information below. We will share as we feel ready.
I'm sorry I disappeared. Blogging is a funny thing. I wrote about every intimate detail of this cycle, but when it came to the end of the cycle, I hesitated to put it out there. I've felt guilty about this for a few days. You all have shown me so much support throughout this IVF cycle (and the other cycles that have come before it), so it feels strange not to share what's been going on. Additionally, this is my space. I use the blog to write about whatever feelings or issues I am dealing with. Nothing is a bigger issue for me right now than my efforts to be a mother. So, superstitiousness be damned. Here's what's been happening in the last 9 days.

This week, I felt shy about posting. Maybe it's because I'm extremely superstitious about "jinxing" during the two week wait. Maybe it's because I was trying so hard to distract myself from how crazy I was acting. Maybe I was too busy.


I wasn't posting because I was ashamed. Consider this post a confession.

As some of you know, because of my PCOS, I never get natural periods anymore. Since my miscarriage in August 2010, I have had exactly one natural period. So, as you can imagine, KG and I have had very few actual two week waits in our experience with TTC. We've had a few weird Clomid cycles, a couple of failed IUIs, and one failed IVF before now. In all those cases, either my period came quickly (short luteal phase) or we had to cancel the cycle.

So, I've had a lot of time to forget what a real, long TWW is like. And boy this was a doozey. All the lessons I learned when we miscarried went out this window. I swore then that I would remember that early BFPs and good betas do not mean you end up with a baby, so I wouldn't torture myself in the future with POAS. I would be patient. I would just wait for things to happen in time.

However, a year and a half later, I forgot all of that. I hang my head in shame as I write this. Last week, I became a testing addict once again. I was out of control and spent more money than I care to admit.

No kidding - 15 tests between 7dp5dt and 12dp5dt (Friday).

Even worse, I tested using multiple brands, different times of day, and obsessively photographed them, saved them in a Ziplock bag in my bathroom, arranged them in specific ways to analyze them, blah blah blah.

Seriously, it was behavior that was completely beyond me. Some might shake their head and laugh, but until you have been in this position, you don't know how you'll react. 

The good news: the reason I kept testing and testing is because I got BFPs all week.
The bad news: the darkness of the lines on the tests were highly variable by time of day, and scared the crap out of me. (I must be the only weirdo in the world who had darker FRER's (supposedly the most sensitive test) in the afternoon than with first morning urine. This issue deserves a whole separate post. Lesson learned? Internet cheapie tests are way more accurate for me.)

Although I was tempted to jump on the blog and post every picture of every positive test, something held me back. Despite seeing 2 lines on all of these tests, and seeing the word "Pregnant" on a digital test, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. If I said it publicly, maybe it would all disappear. Maybe I would get my period within hours of sharing. Maybe it would be my fault.

Then, Friday (12dp5dt) was beta day. I held out hope for a number around 100. I always get my blood drawn in the morning, and wait for an afternoon phone call. However, I checked my phone around lunch time, and saw I had a voicemail. I was shocked because it was so early, and my stomach was in knots because I didn't know if it was a good or a bad sign.

It was a good sign. The nurse enthusiastically said that our number was 859!

I sat at my desk, replaying the voicemail over and over to make sure I heard the number right. I even called her back, to ask her to repeat the number. I was so prepared for bad news, that I didn't know how to process good news.

Since the call, I've felt really stunned. Muted. Cautious. It really hasn't sunk in yet. How could something go right? KG is with me on this one. He's happy and optimistic, but we both have an undercurrent of white knuckles. Despite this, we did celebrate with a dinner out Friday night, and talked about the future. Superstitions be damned.

My mom has been emailing, encouraging me to see this as a totally new, separate experience from our first pregnancy. She says we should expect it to be a healthy, uneventful pregnancy, one that deserves to be enjoyed. I know she's right. I know we can't spend every day petrified and expecting the worst to happen. It's just so hard.

As I said to a fellow IFer the other day, "Once you've taken the pill and seen the Matrix, there's no going back."

But, unless something changes, I really am pregnant.

We went back in this morning to make sure my number is doubling. We got 3,247! Ultrasound in 2 weeks...

Please stick little one.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

I'm here...

...trying to expose only a few people to the level of crazy that is happening in my head this week.

Trust me, you'd thank me if you knew.

The RE's office wouldn't let me come in early to do the beta, so I am still waiting until Friday to see what's what.

Let's just say, the Fabulousness household should have rubber walls right now. I'll post more about the details of this week in a few days. Seriously, I forgot what the effect of the TWW is like, because I really haven't had the opportunity to have a true TWW in a very, very long time.

Oh, and so much for how well PIO shots were going. The shots have now created MAJOR knots at my injection sites. Not only are they painful, they freak me out a little. Yes, I am using heat and massage, but it looks like I'm just lucky that way. I mentioned the pain to my acupuncturist, who quickly fit me in today. That woman worked some magic, because they are quite a bit smaller this evening than they were this morning. This is the closest I've ever come to being able to "prove" the value of the money I'm spending on treatment.

Only another day and a half to go.

By the way, a big, big congrats to Belle on her BFP. Congrats lady!

Now, back to the Bruins playoffs.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Don't Ignore The Woman Underneath the Label/NIAW

RESOLVE and RESOLVE New England are sponsoring National Infertility Awareness Week between April 22-28th. This week has been on my mind for some time. Infertility has become such an ingrained part of who I am, and there is such misunderstanding, ignorance, and silence around the topic. I really feel like the only way to give infertility the understanding and attention it deserves is for the women affected by it to own it - to publicly say, "This is a disease that affects millions of women - probably your friends, family members, and co-workers included. It affects women like me."

RESOLVE challenged bloggers to write on the topic, "Don't ignore..." as it relates to their infertility journey, for NIAW. For me, this was the first thing that came to mind.

Don't ignore the woman underneath the label of "infertile."

Although I was diagnosed infertile in January of 2011, after a year of trying and a miscarriage, it took me a long time before that word really sank in. As it became more real for me, I became overwhelmed by the word itself. For a while, I obsessively researched my own issue (PCOS) and tried every possible "cure" to escape the weight of the label. It began to define me. It occupied my every thought, feeling, and activity. It took a while before I was able to get through an hour, evening, or day without being consumed by everything related to infertility. How could there be room for anything but charts, thermometers, and ovulation tests? Where was there room for me - my real self that existed before trying to have a baby?

If I could go back in time and tell myself (or any other women going through this experience) one thing, it would be this: don't lose sight of the person you are beyond the label. Underneath the diagnosis, you are a warm, breathing, person with so much at stake. Don't ignore the part of yourself that needs nurturing while in a crisis. Don't isolate, torture, or neglect yourself. Fight against the crushing anxiety, sadness, and feelings of failure that are so common among us. Fight against all of those who believe infertility treatment to be an easy choice. This is a marathon, not a sprint. You must conserve your strength for the obstacles to come.

Instead, seek support. Talk to people. Pursue your hobbies. Spend quality time with your spouse. Seek out a promotion at work. Spark your interest in something new. Read good books. See funny movies.  Do whatever keeps you present in your own life.

It is the hardest thing in the world to do these things, but consider this: 

If you don't care for the woman peeking out from under the label, what will be left when your TTC journey is over?

For more information: 

Saturday, April 21, 2012

In case you were wondering, I also like to torture myself

Why, oh why, do I engage in self-defeating behavior?

Last night, I had a vivid dream about a BFP. I woke up from the dream at about 6:30am and couldn't go back to sleep because I thought it was a sign I should test at 6dp5dt. 6 days. Really, really early. The half-asleep optimistic part of my brain convinced the more logical part of my brain that this was a great idea. I proceeded to get out of bed and POAS.

Results? No shocker. Stark white BFN on a FRER. My chin then dropped to my chest and positivity went in the trash with the test. When KG woke up, I sheepishly confessed my sin and he just shook his head. Was he surprised I did this? Not. One. Bit.

I can't believe I did this to myself. I have one FRER left and a bunch of Wondfos and I feel like someone should remove them from my house. Clearly, I can't be trusted.

So, today KG and I have decided to get out of house and go downtown, near the site of our wedding to the Boston Aquarium. Outside the aquarium, they have a huge seal tank. Every time we feel sad, this is where we head to perk up our spirits. It never fails.

On that note, I leave you with the Alabama Shakes, "Hold On."

Thursday, April 19, 2012

In case you were wondering, I have no patience

It is a bullet kind of day.
• Someone said to me this week that, because I did IVF, this wasn't a "real two week wait." I beg to differ. This one is worse than any other I've had.
• I believe my clinic is being especially cruel making me wait until the 27th for my beta.
• While I am trying not to obsess on every single sensation in my body right now, it is almost harder not to obsess on the lack of anything significant going on in my body.
• I started my Vivelle dots today.
• We found out the lab froze 6 embryos! We are thrilled we got so many, especially considering the outcome of IVF#1.

And now for a non-bullet. I'm wondering what you guys think of something that has been on my mind.

I keep reading about all of these amazing ritual type things some cycle buddies are doing during their TWW - things like meditation, conversations with the embies, visualization, etc. Those are amazing, positive things. I a bad person because other than not drinking alcohol or caffeine, eating good food, and taking it easy, I am doing nothing related to this embryo?

I have been thinking about this the last few days. Other than getting acupuncture a few days before and one day after transfer, DH giving my belly a kiss each day, and reiterating to each other how much we hope this works, I am finding it more comfortable to maintain some kind of emotional distance from the fact that I am technically PUPO. Don't get me wrong, I am trying hard to be positive and hopeful. But, for me, it just feels safer to not start seeing this as a real pregnancy until it feels safe to do so. Does that make sense? I'm feeling kind of guilty.

Who am I kidding? I won't feel "safe" about any pregnancy until I have a screaming baby in my arms.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Passing the time

Several lovely ladies tagged me in the Q&A that's been going around, so I figured I would give in. :)

These questions are from Cristy. Thanks for keeping me distracted lady!
Here are the rules:
  1. Post the rules.
  2. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post.
  3. Create 11 new questions to ask the people you’ve tagged.
  4. Tag 11 people and link them to your post.
  5. Let them know you’ve tagged them.

1) What do you want to be when you grow up?
I'm still trying to figure this one out! When I was little, I wanted to be an actress. I even got head shots and went on a few auditions. Then I realized, I am a terrible actress. :) But, I loved participating in theater, so I did that through high school. I also wanted to be a writer. Then, for a long time, I thought I would be an attorney. But, in college I changed my mind about that, and ended up majoring in Philosophy of all things. So, I took a random job in finance for a few years while I figured out my next move. I decided to go get my M.Ed. and go into teaching and have been teaching in an elementary school ever since. But, is that what I want to do forever? No. I have been LOVING writing again and am now regretting not pursuing it to begin with. So, we'll see what the future holds.

2) Do you have a favorite season? Which one and why?
Summer! Beach. 'Nuff said.

3) What is your fondest memory (childhood, teenagehood or adulthood)?
This is SO HARD. I think although several memories are tied, a trip I took with a girlfriend to Maui when I was 19 takes the cake. It was such a carefree time in my life and I was with a really good buddy. We spent the week sunbathing, snorkeling, laughing, and relaxing. And, there may or may not have been some pina coladas in the mix.

4) Name one thing you absolutely love about your sweetheart.
It is kind of disgusting how much I love KG. There are many, many reasons for this. Although I am tempted to name the post-its, I won't because you all know about that already. Something unusual that I love about him is how incredibly neat, clean, and organized he is. Seriously, this man has a system for everything from refrigerator organization, dishwasher loading, laundry folding, etc. I mean, he even enjoys keeping his own sports stats on Excel spreadsheets, because he can make them just the way he likes them. Don't even get me started on how perfect his sandwiches are - perfectly symmetrical and layered to perfection.

5) Speaking of music: Hip-hop or hard rock?
Hard rock. No question.

6) Tell me one thing you did in the past week you are proud of.
Made a kid smile when I told him how I remembered his part in a class play, when he was in kindergarten.

7) Tell me one thing you love about your body.
My legs are strong and muscular.

8) What was your favorite childhood toy?
I admit it - I was a Barbie girl. Ugh!

9) Share a funny story.
A rabbi, a priest, and a clown walk into a bar...

10) Looking back on this journey, what is one thing infertility has taught you?
It has taught me I am a lot stronger than I thought. Through a lot of pain and frustration, I'm still standing.

11) Finally, in honor of Mel's picky eater posts, share with us the one food you think everyone needs to try before they die. Explain why.
Truffle oil french fries. For serious, they are the most decadent, yummy fried treat on the planet.
OK, here are my questions:
1. How old were you when you learned to drive? Did you pass your test the first time?
2. Tell the story of how you met your significant other
3. What was your first pet?
4. Have you made any online friends that you now consider close?
5. What is your TV show guilty pleasure?
6. What is your favorite article of clothing?
7. Coffee or tea?
8. What was your major in college? Do you wish you had chosen differently?
9. What is the best trip you ever took?
10. If you could change anything about yourself, what would you change? (You aren't allowed to say, "Lose weight.")
11. What song was last played on your iPod?

Instead of tagging specific bloggers (because so many people have already done this one) just answer any/all in comments if you like!

Sunday, April 15, 2012

"Couldn't be more perfect."

This is the single, perfect embryo we transferred today. The whole staff was really enthusiastic with how great it looked. To me, it looks somewhat like the moon, but what do I know?

Better news? We have at least 3 to freeze, maybe more over the next day or two. They do grade embryos but I didn't ask for all the letters and numbers. I just went with the emphatic, "Everything looks perfect," that was said to us several times about embryos, my lining, and ease of transfer.

Then came the waterworks. I was so relieved that I cried, right there on the table and in the recovery room. This was the first really good thing that has happened TTC-wise since July of 2010, when we found out we were pregnant. I just couldn't help myself.

We celebrated with burritos and ice cream. Now to enjoy my Valium haze.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for the constant love and support. You have no idea the difference it makes. This is going to be a long two weeks until the beta, so I'll need you all to stick with me.

Scar Tissue

I have a lot of tattoos. I started young and have accumulated 9 of them, although I wish it was more. Each one of them, for better or for worse, reminds me of a different time in my life. Some of them are beautiful. Some of them I can't believe I actually chose to put on my body. Some I have covered with new ink, and some I want to elaborate on. People who don't love tattoos don't understand why I would subject myself to intense physical pain to put a permanent mark on my body. They don't see the payoff. They have a point - technically, tattoos are scars. Occasionally, when I am in the shower or scratching an itch, I run my fingers over my tattoos, and can often feel tiny ridges of scar tissue. But mostly, when I look at my tattoos, I see the pretty and not the ugly ridges underneath.

KG has had a couple of minor surgeries to remove basal cell and suspected basal cell spots. Some scars are bigger than others, but the one on his face is barely perceptible. This tiny line that marks the spot of something that was harmful that is now gone. But, the one on his belly is considerable. It wasn't as carefully done, so it kept a purple color and rough edges. The scars are different shapes and sizes, all garnered with considerable pain. But, when I look at KG's scars, I am more grateful that they removed the cancerous cells than I am upset about them leaving such a mark.

Unfortunately, KG and I have accumulated a lot of new scars over the last couple of years. These are the kind that don't show on the surface. These scars become visible at specific times. Years of frustration, pain, sadness, and disillusionment caused the ridges to build. They have built up so much that we can't see past them. Over the last week, KG remarked to me that we are more prepared for bad news than good news. Every time the phone rang with excellent news of the retrieval, embryo reports, and the transfer date, our hearts were in our throats. We were certain the news would be bad. We knew we were going to be disappointed again. Scars.

In a few hours, we have our embryo transfer. Once again, I am up before 7am, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Scars.

Do scars ever really disappear? Or do they just become less and less noticeable with time?

We are hoping one of these days we can focus on the pretty and stop running our fingers on the ridges.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Random IVF questions for my bloggie buddies

Since I have never made it to transfer before, you'll have to excuse all these really practical, boring, detail oriented posts I've had going on the last few days. This one is no exception! :)

Could IVF veterans answer these for me please?

1. When we do the PIO shots (KG is a pro - these haven't been bad for me), I get a little bit of oil that leaks out...are we doing something wrong?
2. Do I really need to drink 32 ounces of water for transfer? Would 20 do? I'm afraid I'll burst before the procedure!
3. How many of you transferred 1 embryo? The doctor is emphatic that if we have any to freeze, we should only transfer 1. This makes sense to me because I am not prepared for twins at all and multiples carry a higher risk of preterm labor. But, as many of you know, it is a difficult choice.
As of today, 15 of our embies are 6-8 cell, and "perfect" according to my doctor. This is exceptionally great news.

So, why am I still so scared something bad will happen?


I got the call this morning that we will transfer on Sunday. When I asked how my embies were doing the nurse said almost all of them were great and that, "You sure have a lot of them!"

So excited!

Wednesday, April 11, 2012


So, I ended up going to work today, because my students had a couple of big events going on. Actually, it is better than being at home. At least at work, I'm distracted. Well, somewhat distracted.

All morning, I have been watching my phone.

Tick, tock. Tick, tock. As the time got closer and closer to noon, I got more and more panicked. Why were they taking so long to call with my fertilization results? Was it bad news again? Last time, my doctor called me with the bad news close to that why she is waiting? Until she has a break?

I literally felt like I was going to have a panic attack, I became so stressed. 

Then, the call came. I knew it was going to be okay, the minute I saw that the nurses were the ones calling.

So, here's the good news:

Out of the 26 eggs retrieved yesterday, 23 were mature. Out of those 23, 20 fertilized normally.

That's right folks, 20.

We hear Friday morning whether we will do a 3 or a 5 day transfer. Here's hoping the little embies keep on keepin' on.

Looks like all the prayers, vibes, fertility socks, and crossed fingers and toes did the trick.

Do me a favor...keep 'em coming?

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

"You're an egg machine."

...or so SKB told me via text when I told her they got 26 eggs today. I beat my record.

On the way home, KG and I even treated ourselves to outrageously good doughnuts at our local bakery. Seriously, they are AMAZING.

I'm sore, groggy, and relieved it's over.

Pins and needles until I get the fertilization results tomorrow! In the meantime, DVR and Powerade.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Lucky 100th post

At least I'm hoping it's lucky.

Just got the call from my nurse. Looks like I am in the safe zone with my estrogen levels (2,238 - phew) with lots of follicles on both sides now (still way more on the right - the tech counted 19 on the right and 5 on the left this morning), and "nice, thick lining."

Tonight we trigger.
Tomorrow I channel every positive thought I have.
Retrieval is at 7am Tuesday morning.

Thank you for all your support, comments, and cyber love this week. I really feel all of you holding me up.

Crossing eyes, fingers, and toes.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Anyone interested in an IVF update?

If you aren't into numbers and nitty-gritty, feel free to skip this post. Sometimes I like analyzing numbers, so you'll have to indulge me.

So last cycle, My med protocol looked like this:
BCP for weeks and weeks
Lupron (10iu to start, then 5iu when stims started)
75iu of Menopur and 150iu of Gonal-F for the first 3 days of stimming
150iu of Menopur and 150iu of Gonal-F for the next 7 days
Pregnyl trigger
23 eggs retrieved, 19 mature

That cycle, my estrogen looked like this:
15 (4th day of stims), 187, 404, 1,085, 1,940 (triggered that night) - 11 days of stims

This cycle, the protocol was nearly identical, except for one thing: she started me at 150/150 of Menopur and Gonal-F right off the bat. As a result, my estrogen rose a bit more quickly.

Here have been my estrogen numbers since Monday:
Mon (4th day of stims): 40, 254, 684, today: 1608
Follicle count: 14 on the right, 4 on the left
Largest follicle today: 16mm

The nurse told me to stop Gonal F tonight (but still do 150u of Menopur - fun!). She thinks tonight will be the last night of stims, trigger tomorrow, and retrieval on Tuesday.

We are nearing the finish line.

So, I'm considering taking off both the day of retrieval and the day after. I have 2 reasons:
1. I was in a lot of pain last time. Seriously, I was not prepared to be in that much pain.
2. If our results are similar to last time, I really, really don't want to have to take that call with children all around me. That was so, so awful in January.

Last thought: Please God, let the ICSI work.

I'm curious for the experts to answer this question: With numbers rising this quickly, how worried should I be about OHSS? I mean, they are reducing my stims tonight, but I went from 684 to 1608 in 24 hours.... 

Fitting, for the end of a cycle.

Friday, April 6, 2012

The one thing you aren't doing

I've been a little pissed lately. Actually, this issue has been bothering me since I was diagnosed with PCOS. I actually don't write much about my PCOS, because other than taking Metformin, I haven't treated it as an issue separate from my infertility. But, you'll see where this is going.

To start, the problem with PCOS is that it is a moving target. It is different for every patient and it can change over time. For example, my sister and I both have PCOS. Of the many, many symptoms that can exist with PCOS, she had some of the worst ones: cystic ovaries, irregular periods, hair growth, weight gain, thinning hair, hormone imbalance, and more. For me, my symptoms are much fewer: mainly non-existent periods, cystic ovaries, elevated LH, and very minor acne/hairs on my chin. However, I tend to do very PCOSy things in treatment - like develop huge amounts of follicles and cysts after injectables. (As of this morning, I have 14 follicles on my right and 3 on my left, with several more days until trigger. That means I'll probably have a whole lot more than that. Holy shit. It feels like I'm carrying around a grapefruit on that side.)

Because of the wide spectrum of symptoms, PCOS can be widely misunderstood and difficult to treat. The tension always exists with PCOS - do you treat the symptoms, or try to get at the underlying (unknown) issues that cause it? My sister has spent decades researching this crap. Workshops, conferences, books, doctors, message boards - she's done it all. I've done a bit too, and I have to tell you, I'm frustrated. Every single source I read adds more layers of confusion for me. It gets even worse when you compare Eastern Medicine and Western medicine's different perspectives on the subject. Then, try adding in all the supposed "cures" for infertility in general, and you've got a real clusterfuck. I won't bore you with the list...we all know how many different dietary, supplement, and treatment recommendations that exist out there. But lately, I am getting way more heated on this issue.

I have been reading a lot on Twitter, fertility boards, blogs, and the news about how everything I am doing or not doing is the thing that's holding me back from getting pregnant. Whether it is eating organically, being a vegetarian, cutting dairy (or soy, or gluten, or red meat) or eating more of it, taking fish oil, not taking fish oil, losing weight, gaining weight, loading on antioxidants, eliminating caffeine, or indulging in modest amounts of caffeine, apparently it is my fault I'm not pregnant. My gut reaction is to get angry - angry at the fact that I can't seem to find the magic bullet that is keeping me from getting pregnant. Then, my anger turns to self-hatred and disgust when I read about women successfully making some of these very dramatic changes, ending up with babies. How do I know which one? Do I do all of them and never eat a comfort food again? Do I force KG to make these changes too?

Is it just me? Does everyone find these recommendations completely overwhelming?

The hardest recommendation for me though continues to be, "Have a positive attitude."

Mo summed up my own feelings on this beautifully: 
How did I not come up with this on my own? Of course! That’s the magic solution! Think positive thoughts! I’m sure all of the crap that has happened to me is entirely my fault because I didn’t think positively!
Don’t you all just love that little gem of advice? Useless and guilt-inducing all at once! It’s the whole package.

As I near the end of this IVF cycle, I don't know what I'll do if it fails. I feel really lost when I think about it. So for now, I guess I'll try to follow Mo's lead again:

Attempting to “think positively” and the inevitable failure of that attempt will only lead to wallowing and guilt.
So I either think negatively or I don’t think. Period.
Appropriately, Lost? by Coldplay played on my iPod this morning. This version is gorgeous.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

In no particular order...

I am a big jumble of thoughts today. Perhaps it is the hormones. Perhaps it is the effect of 26 ten year olds for 8 hours a day. Who knows? Do you mind if this is a little stream of consciousness?

I'm injecting away over here. I had my first monitoring appointment on Monday after 3 days on stims, but nothing exciting was happening yet. I get monitored again Wednesday morning. Here's hoping my follicles are waking up a bit in there.

In case you were wondering, Menopur still sucks. Whoever made that medication was a complete masochist.
I had an amazing conversation with the executive director at Resolve New England this week. We discussed opportunities to volunteer and get involved with advocacy efforts this summer, when I have more time to devote to the cause. This is really exciting for me, and I'm looking forward to it.
I have been thinking about how easy it is to be hard on ourselves. My first instinct is always to look in the mirror and criticize, insult, and pick myself apart. I would never say the things I say to myself to another person. They are just too mean. What is even worse is how easy it is to fall into patterns like these, then it becomes an ongoing habit. So negative. So harsh.

I think it's time to make a more active effort to be kinder, softer, and more supportive of myself. I started today, by taking myself to the gym, and trying to be proud of myself for putting in a couple of miles on the treadmill. It may not have been a spin class as it might have been a year ago, but it was something.

If you haven't yet, go over to Searching For Our Silver Lining and give Cristy a big, huge cyber hug. She experienced her second loss this week and could use some love. She is an AMAZING person, who buys the best fertility socks a girl could ask for.


Mel wrote an excellent post on validation. At the end of her post, she thanked her readers for making her feel as though her words matter. For making her feel as if she matters. She said it more eloquently than I can, but the feeling is the same.

Thank you to everyone who reads this blog, takes a moment to comment, and sends me so much support during all this madness.