Saturday, May 12, 2012


As Belle would say, I have 2 more sleeps before the ultrasound on Monday.

I'll be 7 weeks then. There won't be any ambiguity - either we will see a heartbeat or we will know it is over.

It isn't any secret I've been in a bad place while we wait for that day. In the past, I've written about my scars and the ridges are definitely showing. We haven't been pregnant since 2010 and we know how that ended. I can tell KG has come to the end of his rope with trying to soothe me or make me feel more positively about the outcome this time. He isn't angry with me, but he's frustrated that he can't fix me right now. He can't make me assume the best.

I keep playing 2 different scenarios in my mind. The one that ends in joyous tears, and the one that ends in the other kind. If it isn't good news, how am I supposed to live through that again? I think back to the pain of those days and it just seems unimaginable that I could be forced to go through it for a second time. But, it happens. Unfortunately, when you are a part of this community, you are constantly reminded that it happens over and over again.

One decision I did make is this: if we do see a heartbeat on Monday, I'm making some changes. Although there is nothing I can do to avoid being scared between every ultrasound and chance to check on the baby, I refuse to waste my entire pregnancy feeling as petrified as I do right now. Somehow, I will force myself to try and enjoy this time, because I worked so damn hard to get here.

I have read several blog posts about the huge wave of BFPs lately in the blogosphere. They have had an undercurrent of pain in almost every one. It's understandable. I lived through several of those waves in the last 2 years, and they hurt me every time. Simultaneously, I was happy for and upset by those pregnancies.

In my logical mind, I knew those women had often been through hell and back with infertility and deserved those healthy pregnancies. But, I could never shake the feeling that it wasn't fair because it wasn't me. Now that I am one of those with a pregnancy announcement, it feels strange. Maybe I am so used to being on the other side, that I can't quite compute what it will mean if I do end up one of those lucky ones.

For tonight and tomorrow night, we sit in the nebulous place of not knowing. Maybe that isn't such a bad place to be. At least for this weekend, we can still believe in the 50/50 shot at a happy ending.

"So Hard" by the Dixie Chicks


  1. Believe it - cause it can happen! As for not living in fear - I'm not sure how that happens. I have an appointment on Tuesday and I'll be 16 weeks and I'm petrified they wont hear a heartbeat and something will be wrong. I think given the 'club' we're apart of - fear is part of the territory.

  2. Good luck - will be rooting for you! And don't worry about the "rest of us" being unhappy - we know how hard and long this journey is for everyone. Your good results bring us hope.

  3. One more wake up! Thats what my friends daughter says and what my friend would keep texting me until my scary ultrsosounds. I have been waiting for this for you and i know you are petrified but i am positive that you'll hear the news you've been waiting for. Mark could not console me either. I was the one that knew all the scary stuff that could happen and mark was the ever positive one. Someone has to take on the worry. Xoxo

  4. You'll be terrified for awhile yet and I honestly don't think there's anything you can do about it. Don't try to force yourself to feel differently than you do about the pregnancy, the fear and uneasiness gradually subside as the weeks pass and even though it feels a million years away when you feel baby move it just gets that much easier. It was 20 weeks before I was comfortable saying "when" instead of "if". It was 24 weeks before I was comfortable enough to say "omg we're REALLY not going to the Olympics" and I still freak out from time to time BUT it's easier than those early days when there's nothing to reassure you but an ultrasound that is weeks and weeks away. GOOD LUCk! You WILL get through all of this!

  5. I believe in good outcomes for you!
    I remember so well being in your place, hoping and being scared at the same time. And it's so hard to believe that this was about 9 weeks ago. I'm rooting for you to be in the same place I'm in now, 9 weeks from now: healthily pregnant, with the fear retreated to some deep corner of your mind, retreating more everday and making room for joy and happiness.
    Good luck for, all fingers crossed!

  6. Oh hon, I know how you feel. Both the bitterness that comes with a wave of BFP's, and the weirdness of being on the other side.
    Been in both spots quite a bit in the last couple of years.
    I truly do hope you let yourself enjoy this tomorrow, and I'm crossing my fingers for a strong, healthy heartbeat!

  7. Hang in there hon. You know I'm rooting for you and hoping for very good news on Monday.

    I too saw the blog posts commenting on the wave of BFPs. I completely understand where each and every single one of the authors is coming from. It's hard to be left behind. But I also know now that you can't have any guilt about moving forward. Because you've worked your butt off to get here and this community needs examples that fertility treatments work. Otherwise we're all just throwing our money away. So: no regrets.

    Hugs and love!

  8. Sending positive thoughts your way! best of luck with your upcoming appointment. We all wish the best for you!

  9. I am right there with you, my dear. But I do admire your approach for WHEN you get good news at your u/s! It's so hard to just enjoy the moment we are in b/c of our past. And it's beyond unfair.

    I can't wait for your great news tomorrow! And I really hope you can put the anxiety and worry behind you, and enjoy this time. <3

  10. "I refuse to waste my entire pregnancy feeling as petrified as I do right now."

    I love this. You are strong, and you can do this. I am rooting for you, and hoping for only the best news tomorrow. Lots of luck to you!

  11. Can't wait for the news!!! And for a picture of your little one. Congratulations, mama!

  12. You said "Somehow, I will force myself to try and enjoy this time, because I worked so damn hard to get here."

    I was thrilled to read this, even though I understand some of the inevitable "survivor's guilt" you seem to be feeling. I lost both my pregnancies (ectopic), but the very short time I had to enjoy them, I did. I was happy, and had nothing but love for the little bean inside me. And you know, years down the line, it is often that happiness that I remember, that I hold with me, not the pain. And that is a lovely thing. So you absolutely should enjoy this time (even while you wait for your scan), and absolutely should enjoy this pregnancy. It's such a waste if you don't.

    Best wishes for the scan.


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