It is a bullet kind of day.
• Someone said to me this week that, because I did IVF, this wasn't a "real two week wait." I beg to differ. This one is worse than any other I've had.
• I believe my clinic is being especially cruel making me wait until the 27th for my beta.
• While I am trying not to obsess on every single sensation in my body right now, it is almost harder not to obsess on the lack of anything significant going on in my body.
• I started my Vivelle dots today.
• We found out the lab froze 6 embryos! We are thrilled we got so many, especially considering the outcome of IVF#1.
And now for a non-bullet. I'm wondering what you guys think of something that has been on my mind.
I keep reading about all of these amazing ritual type things some cycle buddies are doing during their TWW - things like meditation, conversations with the embies, visualization, etc. Those are amazing, positive things.
But...am I a bad person because other than not drinking alcohol or caffeine, eating good food, and taking it easy, I am doing nothing related to this embryo?
I have been thinking about this the last few days. Other than getting acupuncture a few days before and one day after transfer, DH giving my belly a kiss each day, and reiterating to each other how much we hope this works, I am finding it more comfortable to maintain some kind of emotional distance from the fact that I am technically PUPO. Don't get me wrong, I am trying hard to be positive and hopeful. But, for me, it just feels safer to not start seeing this as a real pregnancy until it feels safe to do so. Does that make sense? I'm feeling kind of guilty.
Who am I kidding? I won't feel "safe" about any pregnancy until I have a screaming baby in my arms.
I'm the same way: preparing for bad new but hope for good news. And each time, the waiting has been torture.
ReplyDeleteForget about being positive. Too much guilt. Focus instead on distraction. In the meantime, I'll do the positive-thinking-while-sending-good-vibes thing. I'll even throw in a bit of dancing for good measure ;) Thinking of you.
test test test!!!! Haha, sorry I am totally an HPT pusher :). 6 frosties is good news, means awesome quality - yay! And hey, you are doing everything you need for your little embryo.
ReplyDeleteAnd for the record, I still don't feel safe....I;m hoping viability brings that one.
Congratulations on the 6 frozen embryos! That's such fantastic news.
ReplyDeleteAnd of course you're not a bad person! I think it's totally normal to maintain some distance emotionally. You're protecting yourself, and that is a good thing. We all do our best to meet our own needs. I just wish the IF journey did not leave us so worried throughout our pregnancies. I can't imagine being relaxed until I have a healthy baby in my arms either.
I am the same way. I switched to decaf today and will continue with accupuncture. But I can't even begin to use the acronym PUPO. I still feel too detached! What you should feel estatic about is the 6 frozen embryos!!!!
ReplyDeleteWow 6 frozen is so great! That is such a nice back-up my friend.
ReplyDeleteI am sitting with you in crazyland too. I have to wait until the 1st and I might explode. This first week will be fine since I know I won't be able to see much of anything, but the second week...we'll have to hold each other to sanity. I am also trying not to focus on any 'symptoms'. It's too much pressure and trickery.
Also, don't worry about the connecting thing. You do what feels right for you. If it's easier to stay detached, then that's what you should do. Staying hopeful is enough.
Yeah for you all! I understand being hesitant, but keep up w/the belly kissing, it connects you all. DH has done this w/each pregnancy and it gave him a chance to feel part of the good news and excitement w/what was to come. I am sorry someone said your 2WW isn't real, it is dear girl. Enjoy this time! I hope the fears you have will step aside as you receive each piece of good news on this journey. Best of luck to you all! Can't wait to see what your news is on the 27th.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I'll be calling myself PUPO when I get to have my IVF #1...I'm too scared of getting my hopes up!! I do love the idea of the belly kiss, though.
ReplyDeleteOh, this IS the real two week wait in my opinion. And six embryos, that's fantastic! well done. Um, don't worry about what you think you should do, say or visualize, it's okay to be cautious. Fingers crossed all the way!
ReplyDeleteOk, so my bestie, who you know, said there were tons of days that she "didn't feel pregnant" and would call one of her girlfriends to ask if that was normal, so looking for the butterflies I don't think is a good indicator. But the kisses? THAT will help!! So cute. I think you are totally normal for keeping your emotional distance at this point.
ReplyDeleteThis second cycle has been amazing for you! I cant believe you had 6 embies left to freeze. Hoping your beta day moves along quickly and you get a BFP!
ReplyDeleteI can't believe someone who say IVFers don't have a "real" two week wait! Seriously? It's the worst wait ever! Congrats on the frozen babies! That is awesome! And don't worry about feeling detached...up until the day of my beta I was convinced it didn't work and was already planning for the next cycle. I was in shock (and I think I still am) when I found out I was pregnant!
ReplyDeleteWhoever told you the BS about you not haveing a real two week wait simply had no idea. Really sounds like "smug fertile" to me.
ReplyDeleteIt's so cool that you have 6 embabies frozen!
I've got all fingers and toes crossed for you to get a great beta on the 27th!
Regarding feeling detached: I've kind of been the same. I did do Circle+Bloom meditations every now and then. And I peed on tons of sticks to see if how the hcg from my implanatation shots would register, and how long it would take that hcg to leave my body. But the closer I got to the end of my 2WW, the more convinced I was that I would get a BFN. I spent the couple of hours between my blood test and the call from the clinic imagining how they would tell me that it hadn't worked. It didn't even occur to me that I would get to hear the exact opposite.... just like Leigh, I was already planning for my next cycle and shocked when I heard that it had worked.
I'm in my tww also and I've not been talking to the belly, meditating or doing anything special. I vowed to only take it a bit more easy but still live my life.
ReplyDeleteWhile I may be talking to Pip, I am still having one cup of fully leaded coffee in the morning! I also can't say PUPO. Not only does it sound gross, it seems way to confident and confidence has never been one of my stronger traits!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you for your 2WW... and you should do what you feel comfortable with and what your heart is telling you during this time. FXd for you xo
ReplyDeleteI sure hope this one works for you. Can't imagine how torturous the wait is. Hang in there!!
ReplyDeleteDon't feel guilty. Everyone handles things differently. I would probably distance myself a bit too. You are doing what is best for you and it's not like you are completely ignoring it. When I read your Hubby kisses your belly I got all teary. Congrats on the 6 frosties!
ReplyDeleteGood luck!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteSounds to me like you're doing absolutely everything you should, and more. I'd cheat on the testing day though - there's no way I'd want a clinic telling me the result. I'd be peeing on a stick!
ReplyDeleteOh - and the IVF 2WW is absolutely the ultra-marathon of 2WWs in my humble opinion. (Not that I ever got to it).