Thursday, December 29, 2011

Are you excited?

I have been getting asked this question a lot about our upcoming IVF cycle. As the Lupron start day nears, I am trying really hard to get some kind of positive, happy excited feeling going. But, if I am going to be honest with myself and with you, I have to say I am not. All I am is petrified.

I am feeling brief today, so I'll summarize in a Top Ten list of the things making me so scared, and making it so impossible to say, "Yay! I get to start IVF!"
10. Needle phobia anyone?
9. Cyst heaven is surely in my future after all the stimulation
8. Oh, the mood swings to come. Hide now.
7. My ass is about to look like a boxer's face after a prizefight
6.What I am going to want to do most during this cycle is drink. What am I NOT allowed to do? Drink.
5. Sure, I'll make time, at the crack of dawn, for blood draws and ultrasounds nearly every other day!
4. OHSS sounds like a hoot.
3. If it does work, I have PIO injections until my 10th week to look forward to.
2. This may not work.
1. If it doesn't, what if I can't get up enough guts to do it all over again?

Am I glad I have the opportunity? Yes.
Does it give us much better odds? Enormously improved!
Do many, many women wish they lived in my state with mandatory infertility coverage? Yes.
Can I change my overwhelming feelings of fear? No.

No amount of telling me I need to be positive seems to help either. So, this is where I am taking my therapist's advice and asking for help from those around me:

I am asking all of you to hold positive thoughts for me, until I can do it myself. A Quaker friend calls this, "Holding you in the light." So, as a personal favor, please hold me in the light until I can find the strength inside myself.

As a rule, I don't make resolutions for the new year. I feel like if we have goals, we should work towards them regardless of when they fall on the calendar. But since my cycle is coinciding with the new year, this is definitely what I should be working towards.

Well, this and getting massages more often. :)


  1. I will be thinking of you! What day do you start Lupron? I found the two week wait to be by far the worst out of everything I had to do. I actually found the needles, appointments, etc reassuring that I could DO something. Just take everything one day at a time. :) You'll do great!

  2. Sounds like we are almost on the same cycle. I'll be doing the micro dose of Lupron this IVF instead of the regular Lupron.

    I wish you luck. I'll be here if you need me.

  3. Man! I feel like I just wrote that. Everyone was asking me if I was excited to start IVF.

    EXCITED? Hell no, it's torture... but it'll be worth it (we hope)

    Good luck!

  4. I started therapy in the middle of my Lupron injections and luckily my therapist understood that emotional rollercoaster from the injections. What she had me focus on was not being positive (felt too fake), but instead being balanced.

    You're right, this cycle may not work. But there is currently no evidence to suggest that it will not work. And you are doing everything humanly possible to optimize this cycle.

    Hang in there. I know everything you're going through and I'm rooting for you on this end.

  5. I think you will just get used to the poking and proding is what it comes down to. You suck it up and it becomes just another thing you do each day.

    I think you may be surprised at how you feel once you start the shots. It empowered me to do it. It made me relieved to be able to do something serious to get closer to my dream instead of sitting there waiting.

    You will be just fine. I promise.


  6. i start lupron on monday. i am "excited" - in quotes because it's not the kind of excitement that comes with, say, my wedding day or a vacation. it's the kind of excitement that is more anxious in nature. but i am excited to get this process started. excited because it JUST MIGHT WORK. but i am so so so scared of it not working. that's really my only fear. if someone could tell me "it'll work" i would have zero fears. i'm actually kind of intrigued at the idea of injecting myself. *** hold tight to see if that changes as soon as monday morning rolls around.

    which state are you in? i wish my state had mandatory coverage.

  7. That is a great list! :-) Good luck with your cycle!

  8. GL with your new cycle. By the end of it your needle phobia will be gone!

  9. Hey there. Looks like you're going to be about two or three weeks ahead of me:I'm on CD 6 now and am supposed to make an appointment for CD 18-22 - if they ever answer the phone :-(
    I am actually excited in a "curious about what will happen" kind of way. I do harbor almost all of the fears on your list but currently the curiosity is definitely stronger (luckily, I will probably have to do far fewer injections, since PIO doesn't seem to be done in Germany - or at least I hope so). And I am extremely glad that I have a concrete next step, as opposed to just keeping on trying and trying.

    So here's wishing you the very best of luck for you cycle and sending you lots of positive thoughts!

  10. It's funny how you phrased that, that you aren't like "Yay! I get to start IVF!" because that's exactly how I described it to a friend. I obviously haven't done IVF, but a friend was about to start, and a mutual friend of ours asked me if IVF friend was "so excited." I gave her a slight scowl and said she wasn't all "Yay!"

    Ok, I'm not sure if I'm making sense today bc I'm post-op. I'm so glad your trip was fun!

  11. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and holding you in the light.

  12. Wow, Sister, you've got love and light coming from all over the planet. Soak it in! I'll be sending mine from Ecuador!

  13. (Let me preface this comment by saying that I actually wrote this response the day this post came out, but then my computer crashed, lost the comment, and I got distracted. But since you say it's "delurking" week, I guess it's time for me to come out of the blog-stalking closet - and rewrite my comment.)

    All I have to say is "Welcome to Motherhood!" You're probably going to spend the rest of your life petrified. When the IVF DOES work, you'll be petrified throughout your whole pregnancy. For me, that anxiety was the reason my OB ok-ed a glass of wine every now and then - I was in a constant panic attack (the beginning of my pregnancy wasn't the smoothest). Then, as it gets closer to actually HAVING the baby, you'll be petrified about the delivery. (Around that time, if you want, you and I will sit down and I'll tell you my story - it is NOT petrification-inducing. PROMISE. Although, I'm probably going to have to drink while I tell you - I apologize for that in advance.) Then, when Little Royal Fabulousness makes his/her arrival you'll be petrified about EVERYTHING - germs, the way people are holding him/her, sleeping, get the jist. (I stood next to M's crib the whole first night she was home.) As they get older, it's bigger things, and I'm already petrified about the first time someone makes fun of her or the "love of her life" dumps her. Don't even get me started on DRIVING!!! But, it gets easier. It becomes part of who you are, and it makes you stronger.

    In the meantime, we all promise to "hold you in the light" until you're ready to be excited. And then we'll take over the worrying, and you can enjoy being excited. I have really enjoyed following your journey so far (though I know it hasn't been easy for you), and I have learned that you are one HELL of a STRONG woman with an INCREDIBLE support network, and I can't wait to see what 2012 has in store for you!

    1. Erin - Thank you so much for reminding me what a journey this is! Thank you so much for the warm and mushies. I need them right now!

    2. Erin - I just realized last night, with the help of Smoon, who wrote this. :) I'll be in touch.


Shout it, shout it, shout it out loud!