I have been getting asked this question a lot about our upcoming IVF cycle. As the Lupron start day nears, I am trying really hard to get some kind of positive, happy excited feeling going. But, if I am going to be honest with myself and with you, I have to say I am not. All I am is petrified.
I am feeling brief today, so I'll summarize in a Top Ten list of the things making me so scared, and making it so impossible to say, "Yay! I get to start IVF!"
10. Needle phobia anyone?
9. Cyst heaven is surely in my future after all the stimulation
8. Oh, the mood swings to come. Hide now.
7. My ass is about to look like a boxer's face after a prizefight
6.What I am going to want to do most during this cycle is drink. What am I NOT allowed to do? Drink.
5. Sure, I'll make time, at the crack of dawn, for blood draws and ultrasounds nearly every other day!
4. OHSS sounds like a hoot.
3. If it does work, I have PIO injections until my 10th week to look forward to.
2. This may not work.
1. If it doesn't, what if I can't get up enough guts to do it all over again?
Am I glad I have the opportunity? Yes.
Does it give us much better odds? Enormously improved!
Do many, many women wish they lived in my state with mandatory infertility coverage? Yes.
Can I change my overwhelming feelings of fear? No.
No amount of telling me I need to be positive seems to help either. So, this is where I am taking my therapist's advice and asking for help from those around me:
I am asking all of you to hold positive thoughts for me, until I can do it myself. A Quaker friend calls this, "Holding you in the light." So, as a personal favor, please hold me in the light until I can find the strength inside myself.
As a rule, I don't make resolutions for the new year. I feel like if we have goals, we should work towards them regardless of when they fall on the calendar. But since my cycle is coinciding with the new year, this is definitely what I should be working towards.
Well, this and getting massages more often. :)