The date is set!

I am hanging my head in shame. This ICLW was not a good example of my love and devotion to all of my blogger friends. I was incredibly lame this time around. For that, I apologize. Work has been really busy, as I gear up for conferences at the end of next week. That means by the time I get home from work, pay some bills, cook dinner, and return a few emails, I am COMPLETELY pooped. Like, the couch has an imprint of my ass.

Seriously, I feel like a 31 year old in the body of a 60 year old. I can't believe that in the not too distant past I was working out 4 days a week. How did I actually make that happen? I am starting to wonder if I need to get my vitamin levels checked, or something.

In better news, after several back and forth phone calls with my RE's office, I got my Lupron start date for IVF #2. Apparently, although I left 3 different voicemails with the dates of my upcoming trip to California (visiting my family), they ignored the dates and screwed up the scheduling at first. Today, it finally got straightened out.

So, this is the deal:
• I'll do an ultrasound to check for cysts right before I go to CA (sometime around the 12th - need to schedule tomorrow)
• I start Lupron the day after I get back, on March 21
• baseline ultrasound for IVF purposes on March 27
• hopefully, I'll start stims that evening

Looks like retrieval the 2nd week of April...so close, yet so far. I am SO ready.

Anyone else cycling in March/April? Let's start a cheerleading team.

A morning full of interesting infertility moments

This morning has been full of surprises. I was pretty pissed off when I woke up before 7am. But man, has the day improved!

First, I was perusing the RESOLVE New England website (ok, I was looking to see if my Poker Face blog got any comments) and I went to their advocacy page. I have been considering getting involved with advocacy efforts, and I wanted to see if there were any opportunities to get involved.

Then, when I scrolled down, there was a video of an advocate and board member speaking at the RESOLVE conference in November. I read her name, and then re-read it.

I know her.

I don't want to say too much, but I know her professionally. She is a lovely person. In retrospect, I remember her mentioning how she had difficulty conceiving, but that was years ago, before we were trying to have a baby.

Although I am not out at work, I think I am going to contact her. I am dying to talk to her about her work with RESOLVE. I'm feeling pretty excited!

Second, I got a call from a friend of a friend today. She just had her IVF consult and was feeling overwhelmed. She reached out to me, and we spent a long time on the phone discussing her fears and questions. Basically, I let her know that her cycle would be stressful, but not nearly as hard as she thinks it will be. I hesitated to tell her our outcome, but she asked. So, I tried to stress how rare our failed fertilization was and that most women have a lot of success with IVF, even if it takes more than one cycle.

We ended the call with her telling me how much better she felt. Apparently, hearing my perspective really eased some of her anxiety. I almost cried. What she doesn't know is that in sharing my experience, it helped me as much as it helped her. I am so glad I could help her. It sort of feels like my shitty IVF cycle DID have a purpose after all.

Now if I could get the motivation to get out of my bathrobe and over to Target, the day would be a true success.

Trending now...

There are certain topics that have been pervading the blogosphere lately. For a while, it was the idea of spurning Facebook. Then I noticed a ton of memes, BFP posts, planning posts (I did one of those), and tagging posts with music (I'm a frequent participant in those too). Now, I'm joining the chorus in discussing how much I am despising watching all of my favorite TV shows lately.

I know I willingly subject myself to Teen Mom, Teen Mom 2, and 16 and Pregnant. (Don't judge me.) I don't know why those shows don't bother me. Maybe it is that they were so young and stupid. But, with sitcoms and series, I am feeling like a deer in the headlights.

Right now, Parenthood, Glee, How I Met Your Mother, and Fringe (KG's fav - telepathy via IVF!), all have story lines having to do with babies, infertility, or adoption in some shape or form. The other day Smoon even texted me to warn me about HIMYM, before I watched it on DVR.

But this week, it was really the Parenthood/Glee combo that sent me over the edge. Spoilers below.



I love Parenthood. It is by far the best series on TV, in my own humble opinion. The writing is sensitive and witty. The story lines are gripping. It goes without saying that I was also a big fan of the 1989 film of the same name, that the series is based on. I think it was Mel who posted the scene with Grandma, talking about life using the metaphor of a roller coaster. Brilliant film-making, I tell you. The series bases its characters off of the film's cast, but has given them a slightly different flavor. It has just the right mix of humor, sadness, and complexity. Seriously, KG and I look forward to it every single week.

Until this season.

Joel (Sam Jaeger), Sydney (Savannah Page Rae) and Julia (Erika Christensen)

Right now, they are running parallel story lines with two sisters.  One sister (Sarah) is 40 and considering having a child with her young boyfriend. This is relatively benign, and they haven't gotten farther than having her son find ovulation tests in her bathroom.  The other sister (Julia) is experiencing secondary infertility and subsequently decided to pursue adoption. She is an attorney, and a girl who sells coffee in her building (Zoe) offers to give up her unwanted baby to Julia and her husband. Zoe ends up actually living with Julia, because she has no money and the father of the baby left her. Over the last several episodes, Zoe has been pushing Julia away, making her fear that Zoe will change her mind about the baby, despite Zoe's denials. Over and over again, Julia warns her husband that she has a sinking feeling this adoption will not work out. This also gave me a sinking feeling.

In this week's episode, Zoe gives birth. Julia is there for the delivery, as she has been her main support throughout the entire pregnancy. In the middle of labor, Zoe tells Julia that she loves her, and Julia reciprocates. At birth, Zoe refuses to hold the baby, reassuring Julia that everything is going to be okay when the time comes.

Then, the next day, Julia, her husband, and her daughter all come to the hospital to take the baby home. Julia looks for Zoe in her hospital room, finding the nurse changing the sheets, and Zoe nowhere to be seen.

This is where my stomach dropped the first time. I literally felt my ears get tense. Then, it gets worse.

After being told Zoe is taking a walk, Julia goes to the nursery to hold her newly adopted son. Instead, through the window, she sees Zoe holding her baby - crying, cooing, and becoming attached. Zoe and Julia make eye contact, and the look on Zoe's face just screams, "I'm sorry." Julia walks away, locks herself in a hospital room, and bursts into tears, knowing she has spent 9 months bonding with a baby she will never take home.

Not only is this Julia's worst nightmare, but this would be my own worst nightmare, if I decided to adopt. My heart BROKE for her. Her pain was palpable, as she sent her daughter away with her husband, so she could collapse in private.

I don't know what to feel about this story line. There is still a chance it could end well for Julia, but my gut tells me it won't. At the end of the episode, I felt drained, sad, and hopeless. Not exactly what I usually look for from my DVR.

I wonder how some of you bloggers who are in the adoption process feel about this story line. Do you find it to be a positive thing, revealing the difficulties that adoption poses? Do you feel it is manipulative or fear-provoking? Sensationalist?

The fun didn't stop there...

Next, I decided to watch Glee. The show has been pretty annoying recently, when in the last couple of weeks, Sue Sylvester announced her intention to do IVF with donor sperm. For Sue, apparently the laws of physics, biology, and medical protocol don't apply. She was able to complete an entire IVF cycle (which apparently went directly from shots to conception, skipping retrieval and transfer all together) in 3 weeks.

Yup, in the first 10 minutes of this week's episode, she announced she is pregnant. Really? Really?! Isn't she like 45 years old? She got pregnant on the first try?!

I couldn't take it. I stopped the episode and hit delete, right then and there.

Who knew TV would be such a minefield. Maybe this is a sign from the universe that I need to spend my time reading instead.

Photo credit: NBC
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Today's song is "This Woman's Work" by Kate Bush. This song was featured in a movie called She's Having a Baby. This and Funny About Love were two of the first films that I can remember watching which dealt with infertility. Who knew, years later, that IF would be so trendy in mainstream media?

3 words

Proud.  Excited. Accomplished. Those are the three words that describe me most today. They don't describe me every day. Some days, the words might be drastically different. But today, those fit.

Why do you ask?

Proud: It's just a little thing, but RESOLVE New England featured my Poker Face post on their newly revamped website. A big high five to their new, awesome Director of Communications and Social Media - Keiko Zoll for giving me the opportunity to reach a wider audience. Nothing makes me happier than writing (and blogging specifically) and seeing myself "published" gives my noggin a nice swell.

I am a member of RESOLVE and am working up the courage to start attending their peer groups. Do any of you go? Do your spouses go? I have a good support system and a private therapist. But, still. It might be good to talk IRL with other IFers. Give me the lowdown, ladies.

Excited: Today was my first session of electroacupuncture in a while. It feels like a solid step toward helping my ovaries to heal and shrink any nasty cysts left over from the IVF of doom. I also got all of my insurance clearance for IVF#2 and ICSI in the mail. That means I should get the call from my RE's office soon, with my Lupron start date. I am SO ready to start over. Let's get this show on the road!

Accomplished: I've had some really good teaching moments the last couple of weeks. As a teacher, I don't always have those days. Sometimes Many times, it is a struggle to get through to kids in a way that really sticks. Other times, you nail it. Lately, whether it is that point in the year when ten year olds start to turn into real students, or that I just happened to design a few good lessons, I see the tide turning with a few of them. That's what makes the stress, frustration, low pay, and long hours of teaching worth it.

So, what 3 words describe you today?

ICLW with a heavy heart

I wanted to welcome any new or returning readers from ICLW. Click on my ICLW page for some information about me. I am just coming off of a failed IVF cycle and am taking a break while my ovaries recover. I really appreciate you all taking the time to visit me and will be sure to check our your blogs too.

I also wanted to add my voice to the chorus of those who are so sad about Mo's baby coming so early, at 23 weeks. I love Mo's blog and her story is truly heartbreaking. I can't imagine the agony she and her husband must be going through. I send her nothing but love and strength. Unfortunately, I can't give her what she deserves most - an easy pregnancy, with a happy, healthy take home baby. I am truly devastated for her and so angry about the unfairness of it all.

Plan B or C or D

We have established that I am a worrier. I am a planner. In this world where so much is out of my control, somehow making lists of worst case scenarios and creating Plan B's is what brings me comfort. Although some people might find it cynical or negative, I find it extremely comforting to know what our next move will be, when all else fails. I am letting my freak flag fly here -whether you think I am putting my cart before the horse or not, this is just the way I operate.

Lately, His Royal Fabulousness and I have had a lot of these conversations. He constantly shakes his head at my need to know about the "What Ifs?" Because he loves me in all my neurotic-ness, he humors me. I think given what happened with our first IVF cycle, he is far more open to at least entertain the possibility that our TTC efforts could end up being fruitless. This would be devastating for us both, but I would rather have considered that outcome and be somewhat prepared for it, than to have stuck my fingers in my ears and sang, "la la la la la" in denial.

Here is what we have come up with so far:
1. We will keep a positive attitude for IVF #2 with ICSI, and put all of our efforts into hoping for the best result possible - at least 1 healthy embryo.
2. If IVF #2 does not result in a baby, we will continue to try IVF as long as my insurance covers it and my RE advises us to keep going. Of course, this assumes that I haven't gone completely insane from hormones, disappointment, and ovaries the size of grapefruits.
3. When we have exhausted our IVF options, we will switch tracks completely.

For us, it feels right to turn our sights to a totally different goal before we discuss highly expensive and stressful options like adoption: home ownership.

I should backtrack. KG and I met when I was 21, in my last year of college. Although both of us have wonderful families who love us dearly, neither of us have been lucky enough to have much financial support from them since graduation. It just isn't in the cards, as much as they (and we) wish they could help. Instead, we have been on our own to pay for housing, cars, graduate school (por moi), etc. In some ways, this is a good thing. We are completely independent and work as a team to make our financial lives work. However, each of us brought some credit card debt to our relationship, and that debt (in addition to school debt) has grown over the last 10 years. What do you do when your car needs $2000 worth of repairs and you don't have the cash?

A few years ago, we saw a financial planner who helped us create a basic budget and a plan to pay off the credit cards. Although it has taken longer than expected, we have made tremendous progress and have paid off all but 2 cards. However, paying off the debt made it impossible to put away money for a down payment on a house. Without any assistance from family, lottery winnings, or much higher paying jobs, it feels like a far off dream.

Along the way, we needed to make a decision: do we continue to put our hopes of having children on hold until we pay off the debt? Or, do we try to do both at once? We decided on the latter. We subscribe to the idea that there is no perfect time to have children. Although we may not own a house, we have an extremely stable and spacious rental situation and have relatively steady jobs. Emotionally, we are 100% prepared to be parents and feel that the money piece would be a work in progress. Plus, both of our parents rented when they had children, so it doesn't seem so strange. This may not be an ideal plan for everyone, but that's where we are at. I mean seriously, I watch Teen Mom 2. There are way worse circumstances than ours.

But, if IVF proves to be a failure, switching goals seems necessary.

All those people who love to say "just adopt" can suck it. Private adoption is an incredibly lengthy, emotional, and expensive process, as Katie at from If to when (and many, many others) can testify. Not only can it run into the tens of thousands of dollars for medical, attorney's, and agency fees, it is centered on the idea of selling yourself to birth mothers. It is the ultimate case of screaming, "Pick me! Pick me!" Let's say we managed to save those fees. Without being home owners, I have a feeling we would lose when compared with other couples who have that as a part of their resume. Although the foster care system may be less financially stressful, it comes with a whole other set of considerations. Besides, at that point, I am sure KG and I will be ready to put TTC behind us and focus on some other tangible achievement for a while, returning to the idea of adoption if and when the time felt right for us.

Let me reiterate that we are NOT giving up hope. We know we still have a good chance at having our own biological children. But, I have to tell you, I breathe a big sigh of relief now that I know what we will do if the worst happens.

Although it is no consolation prize, maybe we could even grab a spot on HGTV's House Hunters. That obsession deserves a whole other post.
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These lyrics from Grouplove's "Colours" spoke to me when writing this post. If you haven't heard it on the radio, listen up now.

It's the colors you have
No need to be sad.
It really ain't that bad.

It's the colors you have
No need to be sad.
You've still got your hand

Dear Universe revisited

Those of you who have read my blog for a while might remember a few letters (here, here, and here) I wrote to the universe, asking why I am put in uncomfortable situations with a pregnant co-worker. In the other instances, it was a conversation with said co-worker that made me want to throw a weaponized spork. This time, the co-worker wasn't even there.

Dear Universe,

Yesterday was a fucking weird experience. I had one of those moments, that so many of us have, when we realize that we not only have too much of an infertility/pregnancy education, but we feel the need to educate others. I actually had to defend the one so deserving of my spork in times past. WTF?

When I heard that the waif had been out a lot lately, I inquired as to why. She is pretty far along (6 months maybe?) and I know that the doctor's appointments start to multiply at that point. However, her absences were noticeable enough even for me to notice, and I avoid her most of the time these days. But, when I heard why she has been out so much, some other part of my brain took over.

What I heard was that she is having, "...some kind of problem with her cervix."Some co-workers were a bit snarky about her missing so much work, but I couldn't help but pipe up. After reading stories like that of ADSchill I just know too much and actually stuck up for the waif. "Actually, cervical issues can be really dangerous. Her uterus is what is holding in the baby! So, it's good she's keeping such a close eye on it." The snarkers blinked at me for a second, and I started to hear crickets. They said something about me knowing a lot about pregnancy, and I laughed it off. On what planet would I have ever thought I would be the one to have empathy and fear for that girl?

On planet ALI.

Argh,
HRF
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Other notes for the week:
• Sorry I have been out of touch for a week - really busy at work. Trying to catch up on all my blogger buddies

• I know a few of you tagged me in this question meme that has been going around. For the reason above, I haven't been able to get to it. I'll try this week.

• Yesterday, Smoon and I went for a mani/pedi. 2 seconds after walking in the salon:
 Manicurist who looks familiar to me: "You had a baby, right?" 
Me: <blink, blink> "No."
Manicurist: "Oh, sorry, sorry!"
Me <to Smoon>: "Really?!"

Sigh.