ICLW, Fifty Shades, and the Belly Shots Saga Continued

Welcome ICLWers. There is a lot of information about my TTC process under the "TTC Curriculum Vitae" page above, as well as the "ICLW" page. Although I am currently pregnant after 2 and a half years of trying, I still am firmly stuck in my infertile brain. Lately, I've been writing about being caught between those worlds and finding my place in this new unknown territory. Thanks so much for coming and I hope you stick around.

I did it. I took a belly shot yesterday at 12 weeks 1 day. Actually, I made KG take about 6 of them. None of them pleased me. In each, either I looked fat, my boobs looked small, it was taken at a bad angle, etc. I even tried taking one myself and it just got more and more depressing. In order to publish any of them I either need a stylist, a professional photographer, or photoshop.

To be fair, we took them at the end of a 100 degree day, after lugging and installing two window air conditioning units in our apartment, and were in generally cranky moods. Still, I can't help but wonder how to stop being so hypercritical of my body in these pictures. Old habits die hard. So, now the question, to post them or not to post them?

In other news, today I am taking myself to the beach, to escape the heat. I have spent the last 3 days firmly ensconced in Fifty Shades of Grey. I know, the writing is crappy and all, but damn. Mel has some excellent views on this book. But, damn. I lost about 8 hours to these books in the last 3 days, 2 of those spent in a Starbucks (air conditioning!), desperately wondering if it was socially acceptable to read such material in public. But, DAMN. What can I say? I was the girl who used to steal my mother's romance novels and skip to all the good parts. Some things never change. Except with Grey, you don't need to skip far. Already loaded Fifty Shades Darker on my Nook, thanks to a B and N gift card from my students. Oh, the irony.

ICLW with a heavy heart

I wanted to welcome any new or returning readers from ICLW. Click on my ICLW page for some information about me. I am just coming off of a failed IVF cycle and am taking a break while my ovaries recover. I really appreciate you all taking the time to visit me and will be sure to check our your blogs too.

I also wanted to add my voice to the chorus of those who are so sad about Mo's baby coming so early, at 23 weeks. I love Mo's blog and her story is truly heartbreaking. I can't imagine the agony she and her husband must be going through. I send her nothing but love and strength. Unfortunately, I can't give her what she deserves most - an easy pregnancy, with a happy, healthy take home baby. I am truly devastated for her and so angry about the unfairness of it all.

ICLW - Well hello there!

I have found a lot of really great blogs through ICLW, so I always enjoy this week of the month. Welcome to anyone new to the blog. You can find my TTC history here. At the moment, I am in the middle of my first IVF cycle, getting used to all that entails.

TTC is a major part of my blog, but so are music, writing, and general grumblings from a barren teacher. I am also a movie lover, especially quirky films from the 50s-present.

Appropriately enough, Raising Arizona is on HBO this morning. If you have never seen it (really? What's wrong with you?!) it is the story of a really bad convenience store robber (Nicholas Cage) and his wife, a policewoman (Holly Hunter). They are infertile and get the idea to steal a baby from a wealthy family who recently had quints. It is by the Coen brothers (Fargo, The Big Lebowski) and it is astoundingly funny and tragic. I have loved this movie for many years, but once you watch it as someone who desperately wants a baby, it does have a certain extra depth than it did in my 20s.

Being an IFer will drive you to do crazy things. I guess stealing a baby is a little overboard though...

Bad um, ching!

Everything's Coming Up Millhouse

3 particularly nice things have happened in the last 24 hours. In the spirit of being more positive, I thought I would focus on those instead of the things that made me want to put my forehead through the wall.

1. At my blood draw (results to come later this afternoon) and dildocam today, the technician was extra patient (working around gas bubbles and my slow bowels - yup, I said it) and was able to find both my ovaries internally. This calmed some of my fears about them not being able to retrieve from  my left side. Nothing measurable yet, but that's to be expected. I stim "low and slow" as they say, so I'll hope for more progress in a few days.

2. I spent last night with two of my closest friends (we'll refer to them as Ginger and Smoon). KG and Ginger's DH were there too, loudly getting drunk and being silly. I have been complaining about not drinking during this IVF cycle to anyone who will listen (don't judge, I'm stressed). Yes, I know it is a stupid thing to be sad about, but it sucks. Ginger very sweetly bought me some alcohol-free champagne (much better than one would think) to drink while the others imbibed. It was a small but really thoughtful gesture of kindness. What can I say, I'm a sap.

3. Smoon is a constant reader of my blog, which already makes me love her even more than I already do. Last night she flattered me. She said that by reading the blog, she can see how far I have come on this journey and that she sees I'm no longer such a newb. I'm more experienced and basically just more at peace than before. It was completely validating and gave me some pride. Big kisses Smoon.

I don't think people realize the power of small acts of kindness like these. When they accumulate, they make you feel like people give a shit about you. That they are listening. That they care. I thank my lucky stars that I have people (IRL and online) that give me this kind of love.

Like I said, focusing on the positive over here.

Song of the day: "Last Leaf" by OK Go.  I go to shows quite a bit, and OK Go is one of my favorites to see live. You might remember them from a performance on the MTV Awards a few years back, where they did a choreographed treadmill routine to their song "Here It Goes Again." They are usually a super upbeat, rock out band. But, this is a really tender little ballad. The video is off beat (as they all are from OK Go) but watch anyway.

"If you should be the last autumn leaf hanging from the tree
I'll still be here waiting on the breeze to bring you down to me
And if it takes forever, forever it'll be
And if it takes forever, forever it'll be

And if you should be the last seed in spring to venture out a leaf
I'll still be here waiting on the rain to warm your heart for me
And if it takes forever, forever it'll be
And if it takes forever, forever it'll be"





Edited to add: Check out this video too: SO CREATIVE.

Post-trip withdrawal

Well, amazing vacation is officially over. I knew it would go quickly, but MAN it was like a quick flash.

I am just trying to catch up this morning, as I apparently forgot the dates of ICLW!

I have a blog post in the works, and will be back up and running soon.

Merry Christmas to all who celebrate!

IComLeavWe Week!

This is my first ICWL week and I am so excited to read blogs of other participants, and have them read mine. I'll be posting a longer post tomorrow, but for now, I wanted to give a quick introduction and pose a reader's poll.

For those new to the blog, I am a 31 year old teacher, living near Boston, with the hubby and 2 cats. We have been TTCing since January 2010, with PCOS and one miscarriage in tow. After many months of anovulation, Clomid, injectable IUI cycles and cysts, we are finally moving to IVF #1 in January. I hope you'll explore the blog and follow me.

Quick poll: I have been doing acupuncture since April of 2010, with 2 different acupuncturists. Read here for more info. If you were me, would you continue with acupuncture, or would you save the money for things like massages during the IVF cycle?

Looking forward to "meeting" you all!