tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-52146608519490850812024-03-06T03:03:58.123-05:00Waiting For Little FeetSteps forwards and backwards (and forwards and backwards again) on my path through infertility, pregnancy, and now motherhood.Her Royal Fabulousnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04008723588326617669noreply@blogger.comBlogger169125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214660851949085081.post-14651330563903450632014-09-27T20:40:00.001-04:002014-09-27T20:40:12.967-04:00PendulumThe summer was beautiful. Not only did New England weather cooperate 90% of the time, but LF and I spent 2+ magical months together. He was excited, happy, and as cooperative as a toddler can be. Tantrums were few, the days were filled with field trips, and we grew incredibly close. So close, as times, it was to the exclusion of others. I felt almost guilty about how much I ate up all the mommy love.<br />
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I also made some new friends, saw some of my old friends, got a small amount of exercise, blogged a bit, got things done, made phone calls, wrote emails, had play dates...you get the idea.<br />
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But, like all good things, it had to come to an end.<br />
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I knew my return to my classroom would change things. I thought I was prepared for those changes.<br />
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I wasn't.<br />
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These days I am having a very hard time keeping my head above water with my classroom, my home, and everything in between. Returning communications of all kind takes days (or weeks) and I feel a pretty constant guilt as a result. <br />
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Mostly though, I can not describe how much I miss my boy. I know he is in good hands with his grandparents while I work, but it just isn't the same. Getting daily email updates of his adventures, moods, and meals just isn't the same as being there myself. <br />
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But it isn't just missing him that is making me sad. <br />
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Somehow in the transition of me going back to work, the mommy love has been dialed down. A lot. It has been replaced with more frequent tantrums and a sudden shift in affection. It seems as though we are firmly in a daddy love phase right now. As much as I am thrilled that LF is back to being attached at the hip with KG, I wish he would make some room for me. I know it is common, probably fleeting, and that I shouldn't take it personally. Still, it stings.<br />
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I'm trying hard not to pull the "I was in labor with you for 3 days with over 3 hours of pushing" card here. Okay, I guess I did just pull that card. But really, I just see these days as so fleeting. There will probably be years of LF not wanting anything to do with me (adolescence comes to mind). So, I'm feeling kind of desperate to squeeze every kiss and hug out of this kid right now.<br />
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So, I've been going out of my way to make more quality time with him. Trying to make every minute of our drastically reduced time together count. <br />
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Slowly, we will all readjust and the pendulum will find the middle, right?<br />
<br />Her Royal Fabulousnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04008723588326617669noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214660851949085081.post-76851729566559401922014-07-20T12:51:00.001-04:002014-07-20T12:54:13.594-04:00The Minority<i>If you are still in the TTC trenches, you may want to skip this post. Please take care of yourself. </i><br />
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When I first figured out I was infertile, I felt a deep sense of <a href="http://waitingforlittlefeet.blogspot.com/2011/08/little-lonely-over-here.html">isolation</a>. Especially after my miscarriage. Of course, at the time, many friends were already pregnant and some already had children. I was one of the few in my circle who was trying without success. There was so much shame, embarrassment, and envy. Every time I secretly found out someone I knew was also infertile, it felt like a covert mission to let her know, "Me too! Me too!" The blogosphere became my safe place. It also became the source of several very close friendships that remain so crucial for me to this day. But the source of that closeness always has a hint of sadness. Because, when you make friends under such awful circumstances, there is that sense of knowing that the issue that brought you close remains, on the back burner.<br />
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Then, there was Little Fab. With our miracle baby, we agreed to hope for/try for at-least-one-more miracle, to make our family complete. We both have siblings. We want a sibling(s) for LF. Done.<br />
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As I adjusted to motherhood, some of that isolation from infertility went away. My focus was totally changed, and the kind of support I needed was as well. Instead of needing to crawl my way through infertility, I could put all of that on hold. I could focus on becoming the parent I want to be and on raising my sweet boy without worrying about injections, ultrasounds, and procedures. For the last two years, I've enjoyed leaning on both my existing circle of fantastic friends, as well as many new ones, in the best way. To feel a part of the community I so desperately wanted to join has been an amazing blessing.<br />
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But, lately I've been feeling some of that loneliness creeping back in. As more and more people I know (both infertile and not) have had or are pregnant with their second (and sometimes third) child, I find myself entrenched in self-doubt, uncertainty, and isolation. Again.<br />
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There are a few levels to these emotions. On the surface, there is the obvious: I am still infertile. I do not ovulate. My ovaries are ridiculously dormant without injectable medication. My PCOS did not magically resolve after the birth of my boy. Really, nothing has changed on that front. Secondly, we are lucky enough to have some frozen embryos in storage. But, there is no guarantee that an FET will work. It is all a taxing, emotional, physical gamble. Thirdly, there is also a new financial consideration to this, thanks to changes to my insurance. (Even though I live in a state where infertility coverage is mandated, that does not mean we do not have huge deductibles and fees.)<br />
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But, those aren't the core issue.<br />
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The real problem is that I am not 100% sure I can do this again, or that I want to. I may be imagining this, but somehow I feel like because I am an infertile, I am supposed to want as many children as I can possibly carry. I am supposed to go right back into the game, blazing with enthusiasm.<br />
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Except, I'm not.<br />
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Having LF has been the most rewarding and amazing experience of my life. I love this kid with my entire heart. He is a piece of me, <strike>walking</strike> running around on two legs. He is smart, beautiful, funny, charming, and everything else you could want in a child.<br />
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But, I have no words for how much I underestimated how tough parenting would be - especially the first year. There was reflux. There were no naps. There was crippling postpartum depression and anxiety. There is STILL postpartum anxiety. There was a deep sense of losing myself and not knowing how to get myself back. I ended up back in intensive therapy and worked very hard to regain some semblance of a normal life. <br />
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As LF has gotten a little older, many of those issues resolved. He felt better. I felt better. Life stabilized and has actually gotten really fun.<br />
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We are happy.<br />
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What if adding another baby fucks all of that up? What if I fall back into that hole? What if there is not enough of me to go around? <br />
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I feel like the clock is ticking, too. If we start the FET process next spring (the current plan), LF will be around 4 (maybe a little less, maybe more) when another baby is born, assuming it is successful. That is less age difference than my sister and I have, but more than many first and second siblings. Will they get along? Will they hate each other? Again, you never know. We are constantly asked, "So when are you going to go for #2?" Like we are not meeting the schedule we are supposed to be on.<br />
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I'm embarrassed to admit these feelings and certainly know how lucky I am to have what I have. I know so many people don't have a choice about this. But there it is. Every time we are on the playground (or with friends with more than one kid) I see mothers doing it - spreading their love, attention, and energy to multiple children. I constantly sit and ask myself how they do it. How do they look so together? How are they standing without an IV of caffeine? <br />
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I feel really alone with these emotions, like I am once again in the minority. Most moms want another baby. Most infertiles would kill to have another. Right?<br />
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So what the hell is wrong with me?Her Royal Fabulousnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04008723588326617669noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214660851949085081.post-33740572353894500462014-07-15T13:43:00.002-04:002014-07-15T13:43:52.333-04:00The Rules<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I've broken a few rules in my day. You wouldn't guess to look at me now, the suburban mom I am, but it's true.<br />
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There were tattoos, punk shows, illegal substances, and various other daring adventures that made my younger years a tad exhilarating. <br />
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But really, when it comes down to it, I am a pretty straight and narrow kind of person at heart. Even while I was engaging in all that fun stuff, I worked, got good grades, graduated college and grad school, and generally showed what a responsible citizen I was.<br />
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I can't help it - I always really want to do what's right, no matter what the situation. I want to follow through on what is expected of me. To be truthful, I get annoyed when others don't.<br />
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I use my turn signal.<br />
I wear my seat belt. <br />
I show up on time.<br />
I answer emails promptly. Mostly.<br />
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I. Follow. Rules.<br />
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Hell, I usually fess up to KG about tiny infractions, just to ease my conscience. I have a serious Jiminy Cricket inside of me, for better or for worse. <br />
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I've written before about how much of a test parenting is. Parents are constantly faced with open-ended problems that have no simple solution, only a "do whatever you think is best" type of response.<br />
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It starts during pregnancy with: "How much weight should you gain? "What should you eat/not eat?" Then there is the: "Will you breastfeed? Will you cloth diaper? Will you co-sleep? Will you practice Attachment Parenting?" Then it moves to: "Will you sleep train/CIO? When will you start solids? Will you do purees or <a href="http://www.babyledweaning.com/">Baby Led Weaning</a>?" There are no rules on these things. You are supposed to just go on gut feeling. Really, it's anarchy. This drove my rule-driven sensibility insane.<br /><br />On other things baby-related, there are <i>some</i> rules, or at least guidelines. Those pesky emails from fun parenting resource websites love to remind me of these.<br />
Is your baby doing...?<br />
Has your child started...?<br />
Have you stopped...?<br />
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You know, just to make me slightly more paranoid about meeting expectations than I already am.<br />
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There are many rules I follow, especially about sleep, sunblock, and
general safety related things. Those are non-negotiable. But some
things, I'm figuring out, I need to be less rigid about in order to make
our day to day work for all of us.<br />
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So here it goes: <br />
<br />
Well, annoying-parenting-website-who-shall-remain-nameless: we are breaking some rules in our house. Gasp. <br />
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I confess: my son is over 12 months (18 and a half thank you) and we are still on 2 bottles a day, morning and bedtime. And...he doesn't hold his own bottle. Never has and probably never will. We cuddle and he drinks his milk. And yes, we've tried sippy cups of milk and it is a no go.<br />
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The horror.<br />
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Confession 2: We eat snacks (and sometimes meals) while playing, and not in the high chair. Yup, he grabs a bite, plays, rinse, repeat. Does it make a mess? Yes. Does he eat more snack this way than trying to get him in the high chair 5 times a day? Yes. If I can get him to eat in the chair 2-3 times a day I feel victorious.<br />
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Chaos I tell you. <br />
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Confession 3: We do screen time under the age of 2. There is Sesame Street. There is Curious George. There is Max and Ruby. There is Bubble Guppies. Not all day, but enough so KG and I can shower, make coffee, and get dressed. <br />
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How dare we! <br />
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I could go on, but you get the idea.<br />
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That doesn't mean I don't have guilt about these things. Clearly, I am writing about them here, purging myself. But maybe I need to ease up on myself a bit, as several people from my mother's generation have told me. I've been such a stickler for rules my whole life, but times are changing. I am changing.<br />
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Who knew I had it in me? <br />
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<i>What are the parenting "rules" that you break?</i><br />
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<br /><br />Her Royal Fabulousnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04008723588326617669noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214660851949085081.post-20505789476758326572014-06-30T13:49:00.004-04:002014-06-30T13:52:34.667-04:00A New Rhythm Something I learned right away when I was on maternity leave was that being a SAHM was WAY harder than working outside the home. At least for me it was. I have nothing but respect for those women who stay home. My hat is off to you!<br />
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Although it is not a choice for us for financial reasons, I enjoy being a working mother most of the time. It is something that is really important to me as a part of my identity, and I think also helps me to be a balanced person. I'm lucky that I am in a profession that allows me time off for summer, and two other longish school breaks during the year. In a way, I get the best of both worlds. I get to pursue my career, and still have stretches of time that are devoted to my boy.<br />
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But, I must admit, I got nervous as summer approached. I think whenever I realize I am going to be home full time, I flash back to how hard LF's <a href="http://waitingforlittlefeet.blogspot.com/2013/01/supposed-to.html">infant days</a> <a href="http://waitingforlittlefeet.blogspot.com/2013_02_01_archive.html">were</a>. Now, he is no longer an infant, but the change in routine always throws me for a loop for a while. I know that as a mother I am supposed to want to spend every moment with my kid, but I'll say it: sometimes it makes me anxious. It is no secret I am not the world's most confident mother, and being someone who THRIVES on routine and predictability doesn't exactly make me excited for big changes. But, as the season got started, I have to say I'm really enjoying the copious amounts of time LF and I are spending together.<br />
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In the last few weeks, I have really
started to see some things I miss while I'm in my classroom. I'm almost embarrassed to say, I've learned a lot about him in a short time, that I didn't know before. I mean, when our time together is limited to a couple of hours in the afternoon and weekends, you miss some things.<br />
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Good thing I'm a fast learner. I've learned how to head off some major tantrums (who knew holding the bubble wand could cause this?), what time he gets antsy to get out of the house, and how he needed to be taught how to play in sand among other things. I've watched him gain confidence on the playground and noticed he is picking up vocabulary at an astonishing rate. But, if I wasn't home to hear him mimic me, or help him climb a ladder structure, I would miss it. It just isn't the same as being filled in by his grandparents at the end of a long work day.<br />
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What makes me heart squeeze even more is the growth in attachment and bond we've had since mid-June. I mean, he always prefers KG and I to everyone else, and he always gives kisses and hugs. But, lately, there is just a deeper bond between us. He will more openly seek me out when he falls, calls my name from the back seat, plays a new game of jumping in my lap, and eagerly rubs noses before bed. It is a subtle difference, but it is there. I know some of you might be thinking, "So what? He's your baby? Don't all babies do that?" Well, LF isn't the most cuddly of all kids and is in CONSTANT motion. I feel very special when this kid chooses me to be his most sweet self with.<br />
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There is also a level of sadness to this: will the closeness decrease when I return to work in September? Will he remember all our afternoons taking walks in our new neighborhood? Will he still ask for me during the day, when I'm not his primary weekday caregiver? I'm feeling some serious guilt here that so much of this information about LF is new to me. <br />
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Do you have some working mom guilt?<br />
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<br />Her Royal Fabulousnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04008723588326617669noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214660851949085081.post-20501335395652309902014-06-19T13:48:00.002-04:002014-06-19T13:48:33.307-04:00Picky or problem?I visited a friend with a newborn the other day and we discussed the feeling of isolation that can come when you are home with a baby. The demands, the worries, the sleep deprivation, and the lack of social contact are intense on those first months, and I was lending support with as much listening (okay, and some advice) as I could. What I didn't want to tell her is that there are still moments when you have that overwhelming alone feeling.<br />
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I have some friends who know this feeling well. For whatever reason, your child may have an issue that puts them outside of the norm in one way or another. For some children, this is a more substantial challenge (like an obvious medical or developmental issue) and for others it may be something more subtle. Although the subtle issues with children may not be life threatening, they can still throw us newbie parents for a loop.<br />
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Lately, the issue that is making me feel alone and worried is LF's picky eating.<br />
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I should say first that LF has an incredibly stubborn (I mean independent! Assertive! Intelligent!) personality and this finickiness affects not only his food choices but also his choices about which room he plays in, which books he reads, whether he wants to go inside or outside, which direction we walk on the street, etc. The boy has an opinion about nearly everything. You also may remember that the beginning of his eating career did not go smoothly (breastfeeding disasters, medicated reflux until 9 months, and an unenthusiastic transition to solid foods).<br />
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Since we started solids, he has never been a kid to dive in head first with foods. He is very cautious about new foods in general. However, he used to eventually try something and add to his repertoire, even if it wasn't kale and quinoa. More like meatballs and chicken nuggets. I even have photographic evidence of him enjoying messy foods like pasta bolognese, which he currently won't touch. Now, it is rare for us to get him to try and like a new food, and even more rare for him to like something multiple times, and not just once. But, what has me most concerned is that over time, the number of foods he will eat has actually decreased. Foods he used to enjoy he is now refusing and the number of foods consumed overall is quite small. When I Google "toddler food ideas" I know instantly that he will refuse almost all of them. I am beginning to think his picky eating is now morphong into "problem eating."<br />
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But, it is really hard for me to tell what is a real issue with food, and what is he taking as an opportunity to assert his independence. I admit it - I get upset when he lets food fall out of his mouth or throws it on the floor. I get mad when he refuses things I know he likes, even when he is so hungry that he is going nuts. Sometimes I am more successful at being casual about all of that, and sometimes I lose it. But, he doesn't just do this with me. He also is difficult with his grandparents (who are his main caregivers during the school year) and his father. He can sometimes surprise us in social situations, but at home it seems to be the worst.<br />
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Then there is that alone part. It comes in when I see other mothers able to easily hand
their child a sandwich, which is then quickly devoured. Or, when I talk
about this issue with someone who responds with, "My child will eat
anything!! I can't keep enough food in the house!" I know every child
has *some* issue they are dealing with - sleep, behavior, whatever. This just happens to be LF's.<br />
<br />
But,
I just feel like there is something I am doing wrong with LF that is
making him so difficult at meal times. All I know is that something needs to change.<br />
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Am I creating a monster and having my emotion feed into his control issues? Or is there a real issue to push with my pediatrician? (We've discussed his pickiness before and they never seem very concerned.)<br />
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What parenting issue made you feel alone?<br />
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<br />Her Royal Fabulousnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04008723588326617669noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214660851949085081.post-31932604524904901632014-06-17T11:01:00.003-04:002014-06-17T11:02:39.554-04:00One among manyI've been reading many blog posts (like <a href="http://searchingforoursilverlining.blogspot.com/">Cristy's)</a> about being absent from blogs. About feeling detached from the places that we used to find so important and personal. About being unsure about what is "okay" to post. About what would alienate those still working on becoming a mom.<br />
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This post joins many others on the same topic.<br />
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I'm struggling to reconnect and find my blogging voice again. I want very deeply to express all that has happened since December: all my thoughts on how I'm evolving as a person and as a parent, the current status of my infertility, and thoughts about the future. But, there is something that always stands in my way of posting.<br />
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When I think about how long it has been since I've blogged, I am deeply embarrassed. How could I let nearly 6 months go by? How could this place which was my saving grace for so long become so neglected?<br />
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Every time I find a few minutes to sit down and write, I am hit with some nagging negative thoughts. Have I have lost all my readers? Do I still have something important to say? Does writing about my clever, independent, funny, and stubborn toddler have a place in this blog?<br />
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I'm still following many of you who made the transition to motherhood (in whatever way worked), and many who are still in the trenches. You are doing it - you are writing in a way that acknowledges both sides of your readership. It can be done. I am just trying to convince myself that I can still be relevant to my original readers, as well as perhaps some new ones.<br />
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There is only one way for me to make my return to blogging. To start writing, and start becoming a part of the conversation on your blogs as well.<br />
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I think some revamps to my blog's design might also help the investment factor. I had a friend do the original template, but I think I need a new look. However, I was born without the pinterest gene and have no idea where to start.<br />
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<b>So let's start with a question:</b> do you do your own blog design? How do you get inspired? What resources do you use?<br />
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<br />Her Royal Fabulousnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04008723588326617669noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214660851949085081.post-28894923341821186072013-12-25T10:44:00.001-05:002013-12-25T10:44:25.204-05:00Happy Birthday Baby BoyDear LF,<br />
Today is your first birthday and KG and I are in total disbelief that you have gotten so big, so fast. The cliche about time standing still and speeding by simultaneously is absolutely true. We've watched you start to turn into a determined, funny, smart, and independent little boy right before our eyes. I can't properly articulate how deeply I love you. It is a part of my heart I never knew existed. Even on your toughest days, I just want to hold you close and get down on my knees with thanks that you exist - that we were able to make you and bring you into the world. I know you will someday hate having to share your birthday with Christmas, but you just couldn't wait one more minute to join the party. I could list all your new tricks one by one, but the only trick that matters is that you are here: a smiling, giggling, sometimes whining, sometimes yelling, but always individual perfect little being.<br />
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I love you - so, so much. Happy Birthday.<br />
<br />
-Mama<br />
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<br />Her Royal Fabulousnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04008723588326617669noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214660851949085081.post-25609136397581467642013-11-16T10:50:00.001-05:002013-11-16T10:50:30.498-05:00A test<br />
It's been a while. <br />
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I've been craving this space. Needing to talk. Needing to discuss. Needing to vent at times.<br />
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I've made no time to blog since returning to work in September. There's always something else to do in any free moment I have. Grading papers. Doing errands. Being a mom, wife, daughter...<br />
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But today, I'm making time.<br />
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Today, I have to get this out: I feel like I'm failing. <br />
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Being LF's mother is incredible and wonderful, and all of those things. It is also, like any other parent would say, a challenge. A test. A test that I don't always pass.<br />
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LF is funny, engaging, smart, and adorable. He is also stubborn, opinionated, and unpredictable. He can be smiles and giggles in one moment, and turn on a dime the next. He puts his arms up to be held, and then instantly wriggles and makes his escape. He sits in the highchair, takes a few bites of a favorite food, then swipes everything to the floor and refuses to eat. Then, there are the screams. The whines and the screams.<br />
<br />
In those moments, my frustration bubbles over quickly. I feel myself getting upset. I take deep breaths, walk away, all the things you are supposed to do...but it comes down to me being mad at a baby for not cooperating. Seriously? Who expects a baby to cooperate? Me.<br />
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That seems ridiculous. <br />
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I feel like other mothers know what to do. Other mothers have perspective. Other mothers have understanding and patience. I just end up cursing myself for not being able to soothe him, the way a good mom should. Sometimes KG takes over, and sometimes the moment passes, we switch activities, and all is well again. But, the situation ends up stressful for all of us.<br />
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It isn't every day. I could write a million blog posts about all of the pleasant days we have together. But it is enough days that I'm thinking it is something for me to focus on changing about myself.<br />
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How do other moms do it? <br />
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<br />Her Royal Fabulousnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04008723588326617669noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214660851949085081.post-34668272355827520812013-08-21T15:07:00.000-04:002013-08-21T15:07:00.585-04:00Another summer come and goneI go back to work in less than a week. Less than a week. How did that happen?<br />
<br />
Some consider my summer break (which is NOT 3 months long as critics like to assume) a perk of teaching. I don't consider it a perk. I consider it completely necessary, and anyone who has taught for any length of time knows exactly what I mean.<br />
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From the outside, teaching looks like a sweet gig to many people. They assume that teachers start their work day when students enter the classroom, and end it when students exit. They assume we get all our work done within the confines of a school day, and leisurely eat bon bons at home the rest of the time. They would be wrong. Most school days I work 7:30am-5pm, and take work home, as well as answer parent communications. I also chair committees, run student clubs, work on special projects, etc. in addition to all of my lesson planning and instruction. Let's not even start with professional development and summer curriculum work. Plus, let's just say it isn't the kind of job where I can go grab a Starbucks or pick up my dry cleaning mid-day. Sometimes I find I've gone the whole day without peeing!<br />
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I say summers (about 10 weeks) are well deserved. And even then, I've tutored 2 days per week (and often during the school year) to supplement my mediocre income. <br />
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This summer was very different than any other because of LF. To be honest, I didn't know how I was going to feel about it when the school year ended. My maternity leave was a tough time for LF and I. I was deep in the throws of PPD and desperate for some semblance of my pre-mommy life. Honestly, I was relieved to go back to work at the time. So, when late June came around, I didn't know if I was going to feel as overwhelmed as I did in April.<br />
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Little did I know how amazing this summer would be. In just these last 9 weeks, he has developed so, so much. Not only is he doing things like sitting up and army crawling across the floor (hello, baby gates!), but he is constantly babbling with consonant sounds, went from 4(!) catnaps to 2 predictable longer ones, is eating solid foods, is sleeping through the night (mostly), and is generally amazing. Even at those times when he is driving me nuts because he won't cooperate with whatever I want him to do, I am just overflowing with how much I love this baby. He is a person now, and someone I miss desperately when I am away from him.<br />
<br />
But here I go. About to walk into another school year. And here he goes. Into a daycare/Grandma care split.<br />
<br />
I keep thinking of how much I am going to miss during those weekdays, all of the things he will do for the first time when I am not there.<br />
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I'm sure once we get into a routine again, I won't feel so despondent about this. The stimulation in daycare and quality time with the grandfolk are big benefits right? He won't forget I'm his mom, right? <br />
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At least we have the summers...<br />
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<br />Her Royal Fabulousnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04008723588326617669noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214660851949085081.post-19367291243291745392013-07-29T13:18:00.003-04:002013-07-29T13:18:41.818-04:00Head Over Heels<i>As always, please take care of yourself if you are in a bad place with TTC. You may not want to read</i> <i>this entry. </i><br />
<br />
I was looking at LF the other day and something hit me. Something that I wish had hit me the day he was born. I have fallen completely head over heels in love with this child. I have always loved him. I mean, he's my baby. Of course I love him. But this whole "in love" thing is more recent, and I'm not afraid to say it.<br />
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I am sure this post might not sit well with some people, but I am going to be 100% honest here. It took me a while to say with certainty that I am absolutely, completely happy about being a mom. If you've been reading for the past seven months, you know I got hit with a pretty bad bout of postpartum depression. The transition from pregnancy to motherhood was tough in a way I didn't expect. It has taken me a long time to get my feet back under me and REALLY start to enjoy our new life. I feel like I was in survival mode for many months, and then, all of a sudden, I look forward to every moment with my little man. Even on the tough days, he makes me smile and melts my heart. <br />
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Sometimes I feel incredible guilt about the fact that it took so long to adjust. Did I waste all that time before? Am I a bad mother because I didn't hear violins and feel soft music in the recovery room at the hospital? I don't know. But what I do know is that I am catching up quickly, and that is a great feeling.<br />
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Something similar happened with KG. BAM. One day, I was in love with him. Completely smitten. 12 years later, I still feel those flutters when I see him. Perhaps it just is part of who I am. I need some time to feel the sledgehammer. But once I do, look out. There's no stopping it.<br />
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Happy seven months, little man. Mama loves you and is IN LOVE with you. And I mean it.<br />
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<br />Her Royal Fabulousnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04008723588326617669noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214660851949085081.post-30180563717966756642013-07-01T12:22:00.002-04:002013-07-01T12:22:25.329-04:00Deposits and WithdrawalsSomeone once described relationships (familial, romantic, and friendly) as a bank account. Sometimes you make a lot of deposits (giving ample time, attention, and care to others) and sometimes you make a lot of withdrawals (leaning on those close to you). I've always considered myself someone who really tried to make more deposits than withdrawals. Or at least made it 50/50.<br />
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But, since LF was born, I know I have been withdrawing A LOT. More than during periods of anxiety or depression. More than during infertility treatment. I've been relying on those close to me for support and understanding more than I ever have. While I was in the thick of the newborn stage, I didn't really think about this too much. I was consumed with day-to-day survival. Everything else, even basic showering and eating needs, took a back burner.<br />
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Now that LF is 6 months old, and I can function at about 75% of what my pre-baby capacity was, this has been on my mind a lot. I've noticed changes in many of my friendships. Some obvious, some subtle. But mostly, I'm feeling some distance from many of my friends. There aren't as many phone calls. There aren't as many visits. There aren't as many texts. Lately, it's been making me feel pretty sad. It is as though I made too many withdrawals in the early days of LF's arrival.<br />
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I mean, some of this is normal. We all have busy lives (with or without children) and as we age our jobs and personal lives get more and more demanding. It's also incredibly difficult for KG and I to do spontaneous things these days. Everything runs on baby standard time, and last minute cancellations are pretty common due to illness, etc. Some friends are wonderfully understanding about this. They roll with it, and know that it usually evens out in the end, because many of them are in the same boat. <br />
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However, some friends have a hard time understanding that it isn't as easy as, "Just take the baby with you!"<br />
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There are naps and feedings to consider, as well as certain times of day that bring out the best and worst in LF. Additionally, with LF's reflux, feeding him outside of our home was a nightmare for a long time, and I'm still carrying some scars from that. (We are just trying out a day trip with the baby this weekend for the first time and its stressing me out already.) I know some babies can sleep anywhere at anytime, but LF is not that baby. He will knock out in the stroller or carseat sometimes, but not reliably. We want to encourage him to be flexible, and we do try to sleep him in various places (bringing the pack n' play to friends' homes, etc.) but it doesn't always work, and then we have a very fussy baby on our hands and the overnights suffer as well. The trade-offs are sometimes worth it, but sometimes not.<br />
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The longer I am LF's mother, the longer I feel like he was made this way. Even as a newborn, he had really specific, and lets' face it: high maintenance, needs we had to meet in any way we can. He is who he is, and our job is to do what is best for him, at all times. It seems selfish to make my baby upset or uncomfortable because I want to drink wine with my girlfriends. <br />
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The hard part is the judgement I perceive when we have to say no to things, especially evening events that conflict with bedtime. I feel like sometimes we, LF's parents, are seen as the problem. That somehow we made him into a baby that has difficulty with feedings, sleeping, etc. That somehow if we were more "this" or more "that" then we would have made an incredibly easy infant that we could tote along at any time. KG recently articulated it really well. He said, "LF isn't a piece of luggage we can bring wherever and whenever we want. He's a person." He's also a person who can't yet speak for himself. He relies on us to intuitively make decisions we feel would make him the most comfortable.<br />
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But the other side of that coin is that it has been a long time between visits with some people close to us, and I'm sure they get as frustrated by that as we do. <br />
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I think it is probably time for me to start making more deposits into those relationships. Lately I've been reaching out more to friends to visit and spend time together, with and without LF. KG is often willing to hang with the baby while I hang out with a friend. We've gotten a sitter, and taken advantage of my mother's help, to have a dinner out here and there. We're even taking a trip to NJ to see some friends in a couple of weeks. Our first trip with LF!<br />
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Socially, we're slowly starting to make our way back into the land of the living.<br />
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I just hope we aren't overdrawn.Her Royal Fabulousnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04008723588326617669noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214660851949085081.post-13186617729101188562013-06-17T10:29:00.003-04:002013-06-17T10:31:01.676-04:00Building ImmunityYup, I'm that blogger that went back to work and didn't write ONE post in the last few months. I never wanted to become her, but here I am.<br />
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I have lots of reasons: I was finishing a very tough school year. I was learning how to balance being a mom, wife, teacher, friend, daughter, etc. Hell, I'm still learning. I was so busy that I only had time to work, eat, sleep, and be with LF and KG.<br />
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The truth is, exhaustion and family time won out over my blog. I just wasn't willing to give up my 8:30 bedtime while everything was so overwhelming. But, now that my school year ended, I'm hoping to make a blogger come back. Other than going to the CVS Minute Clinic for an ear infection (mine, not LF's), blogging was first on my list for summer vacation. I'm feeling a little rusty, so hang in there with me while I get my writing legs back.<br />
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All in all, LF is turning into an amazing little man. He does new "tricks" often. The latest: turning back to belly in his crib, over and over again. Too bad this is often when he is supposed to be sleeping! He smiles, laughs, and plays his days away. He loves to "talk," grasp things, play with new toys, touch and explore faces, and watch the world with wonder. He is close to sitting on his own, and is loving daycare, despite being sick a lot (more on that later). <br />
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The transition back to work went better than expected, and actually helped me get over the hump with my postpartum depression. I missed LF every day, but having a piece of my pre-mommy identity back was incredibly good for me. Selfish or not, I know I improved enormously in the last few months. Of course, the series of colds and viruses that have plagued LF make me feel very guilty. Luckily, there's no choice in the matter. Both KG and I have to work for our financial health, so I can only beat myself up so much about it. He's building immunity, right?<br />
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Speaking of building immunity...it feels as though I've been building some of my own lately.<br />
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There have been several moments since LF was born that I've said, "I'm the worst person to be his mother." That might sound awful considering what it took to get LF in the first place. But, since he was born, I have discovered parts of myself more vulnerable and raw than I ever knew existed. Although I theoretically knew motherhood was a tough job and unexpected things would happen (babies get sick, babies cry, babies do things that are unpredictable) I did not know when I was pregnant that I would often be unable to emotionally process those things without completely losing it. Seriously, I see moms who can let all those things roll off their backs without ridiculous amounts of worry or anxiety and I am green with envy. I on the other hand often freak out. Actually, not just often: ALL THE TIME. Illnesses, sleep disturbances, eating, reflux, you name it. Something with LF throws me and I can't eat, sleep, or smile. So, I get these moments when I feel like LF deserves a different mom. One who won't turn into a neurotic mess at every sneeze and sniffle. One who is a pillar of strength all the time. I know some moms like this, and I so wish I could channel their abilities.<br />
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Most recent example? LF ended up with a terrible virus that landed us in urgent care on a Sunday when his temp reached 104.4. During the week he battled this fever, he also had to have a chest xray, a botched blood draw, and more. I wanted to be strong for him. I really, really tried to put on a brave face and distract him with smiles and songs. But, there were many times when I could. not. do. it. Instead, I wept right along with him and had to lean on my mom (who just moved here with my dad from Los Angeles! OMG!). At one point, I asked a nurse in his pediatrician's office whether my crying was marked on a list to give nurses a head's up. She smiled kindly and told me that most mothers would be on a list if that was true.<br />
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Still, I know I take it too far. It is counterproductive and wastes time and energy I need. Plus, I'm going to be in this job for a long, long time. KG reminded me of lots of things to come: teething, injuries, teasing in school, heartbreaks. It is all coming, ready or not.<br />
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I know I need to toughen up. I know I can't continue to make myself sick with worry. It isn't good for me, KG, or LF. But, I'm just not there yet. I especially know that compared to some people very close to my heart, I have nothing to worry about. LF is a happy, (sometimes) healthy baby who is going through all the normal bumps in the road. <br />
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Perhaps with every new experience (both the scary kind and the wonderful kind) I'll build a thicker skin and a little more immunity.<br />
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<br />Her Royal Fabulousnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04008723588326617669noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214660851949085081.post-86300179265696818842013-04-11T13:01:00.000-04:002013-04-11T13:01:12.861-04:00Days are running outSince I last wrote, lots of changes have been under way. Bullets seem like the most efficient way to summarize the last month of my life: <br />
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• Little Fab's reflux FINALLY improved. After a consult with a pediatric gastroenterologist, we found that his dosage of medication was too low, and the way it was compounded affected the potency of the medication dramatically. So, after changing both, and over two weeks of waiting, LF can finally eat comfortably. It has only been in the last week or so that we've seen this dramatic change, which means I can feel okay about daycare being able to feed him. More on this below. I can not emphasize how horrible his feedings were before now. For all of March I was the <i>only</i> person who could feed him, because of his screams, back arching, writhing, etc. and I could not feed him in public. I felt so isolated and hopeless. I am beyond ecstatic that he is doing so much better. I'm praying it continues.<br />
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• I can't believe it but I head back to work on Tuesday. All of a sudden, the reality of balancing parenthood, marriage, and teaching is hitting me like a ton of bricks.<br />
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• We did two half days and one full day of daycare this week, in order to prepare for next week, when he will attend full-time. I managed to get less emotional about it than I thought I would. But, it still kills me to leave him, and I miss him when he's gone. The test days went well, so here's hoping it stays that way. <br />
<br />• My PPD hit a pretty bad low during March. After weekly sessions with my therapist, some medication adjustments, and LF's improvement, I am finally feeling better. I must admit though, I feel a bit resentful (of myself I suppose) that so much of my leave was emotionally difficult for me. I won't dwell on this, but it seems as though as soon as I started to really enjoy motherhood, I'm back to work.<br />
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• My parents are moving here, cross country, to be closer to LF! I haven't lived in the same city as my parents since I was 18! Holy sh*t!<br />
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• For some reason the email notifications about comments went to my spam folder for my last entry! I'm sorry it took me so long to approve them. They are all set now.<br />
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• New LF pics are up! Enjoy! <br />
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I hope to be back to blogging more regularly, once I'm in a rhythm at work. I have a lot on my mind, and have had no chance to work it through here. I miss writing and have made a vow to myself to get back to it, one way or another. <br />
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<br />Her Royal Fabulousnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04008723588326617669noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214660851949085081.post-40218290717396156072013-03-08T10:31:00.003-05:002013-03-08T10:31:27.559-05:00In and Out of the FogI'm here. Well, I should say that I'm not "here" (as in on the blog) but I am here, as in alive and breathing.<br />
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Where have I been? There are a few different parts to that answer. <br />
<br />
1. Little Fab has only been cat-napping for the last month or so. Seriously, this kid is like a timer - 30-45 minutes, and then WIDE AWAKE. That's barely enough time to eat, use the bathroom, and make a phone call or wash dishes. But, if he is in bed with me, I get about 2 hours. Since I can not sleep during the day (did I pass this gene to my son?) I rest and breathe. But, if I move an inch he stirs. So, I've gotten good at surfing the web one-handed from my phone, or reading a book over his shoulder. While this isn't ideal, it is a good excuse to relax. It's also an excuse to cuddle with my boy, which is a kind of closeness I really need right now. After two months of struggling to continue the minimal nursing I was able to do (and yes, I tried EVERYTHING to get my boobs to cooperate), I finally threw in the towel. By the end, LF would only feed for 2-3 minutes at a time before he got so frustrated he would cry, so these naps are some of our only times to cuddle.<br />
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2. LF's reflux continues to be incredibly stressful. Although we have seen *some* inconsistent improvement, his feedings involve lots of time, struggle, and tears for him and for me. We have been on two different meds and three different formulas so far. We try different positions for eating and sleeping, singing to him, distracting him, etc. and still he struggles to comfortably eat. To boot, he also has ASTOUNDING gas and that also makes him squirm and cry during feedings. It also interferes with his ability to nap and stay asleep at night. As he gets bigger, we hope this will improve, but in the meantime we made an appointment with a pediatric gastroenterologist for the end of the month. As you can imagine, by the end of the day (especially one of his bad days) I am completely spent. I can barely muster the energy to chat with KG on some days.<br />
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3. This PPD thing is very up and down, and completely dependent on how LF is doing. I find his good days are my good days, and his bad ones are my bad ones.<br />
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On the upside, LF is beautiful, strong, and healthy (other than the reflux). Above, you'll see a page where I've added a couple of pictures. He really smiles and stares at us now, which makes things a bit easier. I can't tell you what a relief it is to see that little smile after a long, long night. Somehow he knows just when I need to see it.<br />
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I won't lie. Right now it is really hard to read blogs of new moms who are in bliss. The ones where babies take long naps, eat peacefully, and can be taken anywhere at any time. Someday I hope that isn't the case, but right now it is. I am deeply grateful for the baby I have, but he is a complicated little man that I'm still working on figuring out.<br />
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Off to attempt another 35 minute nap...Her Royal Fabulousnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04008723588326617669noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214660851949085081.post-22547962277777358492013-02-13T11:22:00.001-05:002013-02-13T11:22:17.175-05:00Rollercoaster<i>Thank you so much for the responses to <a href="http://waitingforlittlefeet.blogspot.com/2013/01/supposed-to.html">this post</a> and to Mel at Stirrup Queens for choosing it for the <a href="http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2013/02/429th-friday-blog-roundup/#comment-94509">Roundup.</a> I feel really supported by the comments and I'm glad it resonated with so many of you. I actually didn't receive one flame comment, and for that I am truly grateful.</i><br />
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Only a few days after I wrote the last post, my chin went back under water. I must have jinxed myself, because just when I thought I was feeling secure, I lost it. There were entire days I spent crying. There were moments when I literally felt numb as I walked through my day. There was a week-long visit with my sister (and a blizzard!) that I was only half present for. There was a dinner with girlfriends that I held back tears through. It was during that time that I realized that PPD is going to be with me for a bit. It may not be there every day, but it's standing right behind me for now.<br />
<br />
It seems that my mood is completely linked to how LF's day goes. He recently got diagnosed with reflux and now that we are treating it, it seems as though a lot of his crying, irritability, and fussiness was linked to it. Poor kid, no wonder he was so difficult to soothe. But, in the days (weeks) leading up to his diagnosis and for several days after we started medication, he was inconsolable. He cried on and off all day and night. He slept fitfully in short spurts. He was just in constant need, and I felt like I was failing him because I didn't know what was wrong or how to help. I was a mess. He was a mess. As you can imagine, this made life incredibly stressful in the Fabulousness household, and poor KG was left to pick up the pieces. <br />
<br />
Since getting treated, he has been much more comfortable and therefore much easier to soothe. KG and I are also figuring out more about him as a person - his cues for fatigue and hunger, his need for swaddling when he's overstimulated, and the difference between his cries. I've even managed to get him to take more naps (although he only sleeps for 30-45 mins at a time). Now if we could get him to do longer stretches overnight, THAT would be something (Advice about 7 week olds here please?). He also found the beginnings of his smile (a bit late) and is starting to focus on our faces more. Finally, I am starting to see my little man's (complicated, cute, fussy, funny) personality, and therefore I feel a little more secure and grounded. More frequent visits with my therapist and a tweak to my medication have also helped push me in the right direction. Not to say that there aren't bad days, but, on his good days, I feel optimistic.<br />
<br />
Stay tuned.Her Royal Fabulousnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04008723588326617669noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214660851949085081.post-57142860301808414782013-01-28T08:54:00.002-05:002013-01-28T08:54:25.516-05:00Turning a CornerAfter I wrote the last post, I had a breakthrough moment. <br />
<br />
That day, I spent the entire morning trying to get Little Fab to nap. After all, everything I read said that newborns should be sleeping A LOT. However, LF does not sleep A LOT. (Although he has teased us with a few 3 hour stretches in the last few days. Trying not to jinx it.) But, being the rookie I am, I really, really thought that I needed to enforce a nap. I shushed, rocked, fed, changed, and swaddled him. Then, I begged and pleaded with him. Through it all, LF fussed, cried, and generally expressed how pissed off he was at my trying to get him to do something he was not willing to do. By the time my mom arrived at my house (she was here visiting from California for 2 weeks), I was in tears.<br />
<br />
"Newborns are supposed to sleep a lot!"<br />
"I should be able to get my son to sleep!"<br />
"I'm a terrible mother!"<br />
"I can't handle this!"<br />
"I haven't slept for a month!" <br />
<br />
After calming me down, she gently took LF out of my arms and sent me to take a shower. After sobbing in the shower as well, and reflecting on how many days I had ended up in tears for one reason or another, I decided to actually listen to some of the advice my mom offered.<br />
<br />
It sounds so simple when I write it here, but somehow it took all that strife for this to sink in. She said that no matter how much I want LF to be on my schedule, I'm really on his. I can set up conditions for him to sleep: holding him, feeding him, changing him, swaddling him, and providing white noise and a dimly lit room. But, if he doesn't want to sleep, he isn't going to sleep. Spending hours and hours driving myself nuts wasn't worth it, because he still wasn't sleeping and I was a mess. Instead, she said, I need to go with his flow and follow his lead. If he won't sleep, play or put him in the car and go somewhere. She promised I would feel better and things would go more smoothly if I didn't try so hard to impose control on the situation.<br />
<br />
Anyone who knows me knows what a difficult pill that was for me to swallow. I crave predictability, routine, and control over my life. I research EVERYTHING. I plan out nearly every move I make in both my personal and professional life in a deliberate manner. This is my go-to coping mechanism. In fact, the hardest part of my adjustment to parenthood has been the unpredictability of each day. Hell, of each hour. <br />
<br />
Now, I don't always listen to my mother's advice. I'm sure she would say I poo-poo it often. But, what she said made sense. It dawned on me that maybe part of the point of this whole experience is for me to start letting go of needing so much control and go for the ride a bit. <br />
<br />
I won't lie - that scares the shit out of me. But really, I have no choice. I have to change the way I approach my days with LF, or else both of us will be miserable. So, I've made an effort over the last several days to let Little Fab lead. When he's awake, I go with it. When he naps, I usually use the time to be productive, but sometimes rest. (Damn, I wish I could nap during the day.) As a result, I've been crying less, he's been napping a little bit more, and life is generally more pleasant. I've also noticed that I enjoy my time with him more - we do tummy time, "play," and hang out together while we figure each other out. Although he continues to have fussy periods throughout the day and night, I do feel like I know him a little better, which also helps me soothe him. <br />
<br />
I've also been considering the name of this blog. I was talking to KG about how I wasn't sure if the name "Waiting for Little Feet" was appropriate anymore, considering we were successful in bringing Little Fab into the world. But, he thought otherwise. He said, "Now it just means something different. Instead of waiting for those feet to arrive, now we are waiting to see what those feet will do." So, the name remains, as will the blog. I'm not sure how the content will evolve. But, this blog was never completely about infertility, nor will it be completely about parenting. It will just be.Her Royal Fabulousnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04008723588326617669noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214660851949085081.post-12247767997191504142013-01-26T16:22:00.003-05:002013-01-26T20:18:10.839-05:00Supposed to...<i>I was inspired by the courage of <a href="http://missconception-ads.blogspot.com/2013/01/guilt.html">MissConception</a> and <a href="http://violettamargarita.blogspot.com/">Jen</a>, as well as the encouragement of <a href="http://searchingforoursilverlining.blogspot.com/2013/01/honing-empathy.html">Cristy</a> to write this post. If you are in a bad place with TTC right now, please skip this entry. I wrote it at a low point and although I have made some breakthroughs since writing it, I feel like I still want to post it. I will follow up with a post about my recent improvement.</i><br />
______________________________<br />
<br />
I have been living with the words "supposed to" a lot since Little Fab came home. It seems that when you are a new mother, and especially an infertile new mother, there are a lot of "supposed tos." I am supposed to be working towards getting my newborn on a schedule. I'm supposed to have enough breastmilk to feed him. I am supposed to be able to gently rock him to sleep at the first yawn. I have not been able to consistently accomplish any of those things and therefore I'm generally feeling like a failure at all of this. I have this beautiful, happy, healthy baby and I feel like I'm coming apart some days. Not all days, but too many. <br />
<br />
I am also supposed to be flooded with joy. I am supposed to have natural instincts about all things newborn. I am supposed to be loving every minute. But I'm not. I'm trying really hard to do all of those things, but I am struggling. I can't seem to let go of what I thought this would all be like, and the reality of how difficult being a new mother is. After all, I tried for over two years to have LF. I should have known what I was getting into right? I should be grateful for every sleepless night and every cry from the crib. So what the hell is wrong with me? Why am I dissolving into tears several times a week?<br />
<br />
Mainly I think it comes from being overwhelmed by nearly everything right now. The difficulty I had with breastfeeding (still hanging in there with nursing before every bottle of formula), the lack of any rhyme or reason to LF's voracious appetite (all those rumors about formula babies sleeping more is bullshit in this house), the lack of sleep (this cannot be understated), the lack of quality time with KG or with myself for that matter, and decisions about EVERYTHING (from bottles to parenting philosphies). Did I also mention that I've not yet spent a day completely alone with LF?* The day KG went back to work my parents arrived. How the hell am I going to do everything alone? Why can't I manage to return phone calls and emails? Why can't I figure out how to take a shower every day? But when I really think about it, the feeling that bothers me most is the immense guilt I have about how much I miss being pregnant. It was a perfect, happy time for me, and now it feels a lifetime away.<br />
<br />
I've been leaning on my friends (with and without children) a lot lately. Sometimes for advice, sometimes for the feeling of normalcy I get when I am around them. They have been my lifeline and I'm so grateful to all of them for the meals, hugs, and visits. But, as we head into month 2, the visits and calls have slowed, as one would expect. However, my desperation for the connection grows each day.<br />
<br />
Before delivery, I had no idea that I would feel like such a failure. Because I can't figure out his eating patterns. Because I can't tell one cry from another very well. Because I can't seem to help him sleep more than a 2 hour stretch at a time. Because I can't decide whether we should be pushing him towards a schedule or just following his lead. Aren't I supposed to know all of these things as his mother?<br />
<br />
That isn't to say there aren't moments when I look at LF and am in awe: of how gorgeous he is, how much of a person he looks like already, even at 4 weeks, how fascinated he is with light and patterns. Moments when he sleeps on my chest or stares at my face make me melt. I love this child. I also watch KG with him and am consumed with warmth - KG is madly in love with his son, which makes me fall more madly in love with him. But then I feel even worse, like I'm not authentically feeling what I should for my baby. I worry that I'm letting KG down because I am so needy and emotional these days. I want to be as happy as he is, and I'm just not there yet.<br />
<br />
So, it seems like my history of depression and anxiety has reared its ugly head. I knew I was at high risk for PPD but man, I was hoping to dodge the bullet. Therefore, I'm seeking help. I made an appointment with my therapist. I'm reminded by people close to me that I can't be a good mom if I don't take care of myself, mentally and physically. I want to be the mother LF deserves. I want to be the wife KG deserves. I want to feel like myself and enjoy this time, instead of feeling like I need to survive it. <br />
<br />
So, right or wrong, that's where I'm at. I'm sure some people reading this will want to flame me for feeling this way when so many are still struggling to have their first baby. Of course, as an infertile, I might have felt the same way before I was actually living this. But, this space is my own to get and give support and it will remain so, even post baby. <br />
<br />
*<i>I have since been spending lots of alone time with LF.</i><br />
<br />Her Royal Fabulousnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04008723588326617669noreply@blogger.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214660851949085081.post-30874172029639503912013-01-03T12:59:00.003-05:002013-01-03T13:09:29.028-05:00Holy Shit. I'm a Mom.<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjREBXj40sdC2wiPMdIG1h37NwA9FytAycy9rYsytWnm4YgleCOoFXvcbAKc3WOHCRcwWiC5-9t_XDjtuy6VB6BaffD-eGVeA3_9ooakgFwY3D6dlBRzq9WVMHGV7864zuAu5i5Nc1WSXWZ/s1600/-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="215" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjREBXj40sdC2wiPMdIG1h37NwA9FytAycy9rYsytWnm4YgleCOoFXvcbAKc3WOHCRcwWiC5-9t_XDjtuy6VB6BaffD-eGVeA3_9ooakgFwY3D6dlBRzq9WVMHGV7864zuAu5i5Nc1WSXWZ/s320/-1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Meet Little Fab...aka My Son</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
As much as I thought life was nuts before I went into labor on Christmas Eve, I had no idea how crazy it was about to get. Although finishing up at work before my leave was stressful, it seems ridiculous now to call myself "busy" when all I had to do was work. I also had no idea how little I knew about the reality of becoming, then being, a mom. In other words, holy shit my world has been upside down since the day LF were born.<br />
<br />
While I have fresh memories, let's recount events. I started having irregular back contractions 2 days before Christmas.
These were painful but unpredictable, so we had to wait it out.
Unfortunately, by the time they were regular, on Christmas Eve, I was
already 2 days sleep deprived! Although I had hoped to avoid an IV, epidural, etc. I knew I needed help in order to make it through delivery. Amazing how quickly a "birth plan" becomes a flexible idea. I ended up with an epidural due to how
long I had already been working through the contractions. Honestly, in the middle of labor, I wondered how on earth women make it through med-free deliveries. My hat is 100% off to those who can do it. I learned that I am not one of those women. I mean, I had an epidural and I still felt as though I was never going to make it.<br />
<br />
Labor took a long time, and I pushed for almost 3 hours,
but LF arrived at 1:29 PM on Christmas Day. He was a hefty 8 pounds, 6 ounces, and 20
inches long. The OB who delivered me was amazing (I like him better than my actual OB!)
as were the nurses. He really
helped me avoid bad tearing. In the end, only a one degree tear and some
minor other ones. Physically, I'm feeling pretty good, other than serious swelling
in my feet and legs and some tenderness in the nether regions.<br />
<br />
In the hospital, all was well with breastfeeding. But, since coming
home, we have had a lot of problems with nursing that made caring for LF really
stressful. We aren't 100% sure why, but my milk still has not really come in (10 days later) and my little man
quickly let us know that colostrum was NOT going to be enough by about
day 3 and a half. He was really frantically hungry and unable to be consoled. We
really struggled with what to do, but he lost more than 10% of his body
weight and were advised to begin supplementing with formula. For those who instantly are about to criticize our choice, you should have been in our apartment the first three days. He would scream frantically every half hour, despite being nursed as often as he demanded. It was heartbreaking and I began to have a really serious issue with my anxiety. No one could function and even KG started to hit his breaking point.<br />
<br />
Now, with nursing, pumping (achingly small amounts) and formula, LF is gaining weight and is MUCH more happy and
calm. The last
couple of days have been much better. The milk issue is a major disappointment for me and the theories are: PCOS rearing its ugly head, anxiety, some medication I take, and lack of sleep. I'm still hoping at some point this will happen. But, I'm also coming to
terms with letting go of control and understanding this may be a formula
fed baby, despite our efforts. It's just frustrating - first with
infertility (failure of my ovaries) followed by failure of my boobs.<br />
<br />
What's been even more challenging is the adjustment to being a parent. We are totally in love with our baby, but really, no one can prepare you for the changes that come with bringing a newborn home. It's like there is no normal right now, and everything we took for granted (showers, eating and sleeping at the same time as KG, making phone calls, etc.) are all actual goals for the day. I'm not saying I resent any of this. We are exceptionally lucky to be where we are. But, I have found it difficult in these first days to be the glowing picture of motherhood you see on TV. Instead, I relish in the moments when I change out of pjs and into actual clothes for the day.<br />
<br />
KG is really good at seeing the big picture: the newborn days are limited. There will be smiles, giggles, fun activities, and much more interaction as LF grows. But, I get a little caught up in the hour-to-hour exhaustion of right now. KG has always been an amazing partner, but he has also quickly turned into an AMAZING father. He has been there for both of us every single second, without fail. He never ceases to amaze me.<br />
<br />
I have several posts in mind, including one about the future of this blog, in the works. But, forgive me as I stumble around for a while.<br />
<br />
Edited to add: <a href="http://missconception-ads.blogspot.com/2013/01/post-partum.html">MissConception's post</a> about post partum says a lot of things I feel much more eloquently than I can right now. It's amazing and real. <br />
<br />
<br />Her Royal Fabulousnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04008723588326617669noreply@blogger.com30tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214660851949085081.post-74301171790270432392012-11-22T08:54:00.003-05:002012-11-22T08:55:02.670-05:00The trying not to be cliche Thanksgiving postI know I've been absent. I know that many of you must think that my absence is because I'm pregnant. I know that it's easy to make excuses.<br />
<br />
But, the real deal is that my work life took over my personal life, and I've been nothing but exhausted. No big excuses. I just gave in to that fatigue and gave up one of the things I love most for the last month: blogging. I feel terrible about it and miss it so, so much. I hope to get back to regular blogging soon.<br />
<br />
I knew I had to get back here today though. Although I feel grateful every single day, I did turn into a sappy mess this morning. Something about Thanksgiving gave me that extra push to say hello again to the blogosphere and express my deep, deep gratitude to all those who have supported me since my journey began several years ago. Not for one moment do I take for granted all of the love, encouragement, and advice you all gave and continue to give me. It gave me strength when I had none and grounds me to remember where I am here and now. For that, I thank you. I may not be as present here, but I am reading. I send love to every one of you.<br />
<br />
I am also thankful for every flip, turn, and kick The Nugget gives me. So many times I was a crumpled, crying mess - never for a second believing I could be this lucky. The infertile in me still winces when I hear complaints about normal pregnancy symptoms from any woman. I have to restrain myself from screaming, "Do you know how lucky you are?! Stop worrying about heartburn and backaches." I've said it before and I'll say it again - I am incredibly fortunate to be where I am, and I would do it again in a heartbeat. Not for one second do I take any of it for granted.<br />
<br />
Mostly, I am thankful for His Royal Fabulousness and the amazing strength he shows every single day. He is the one constant in my life and without such a completely committed and steadfast partner, I would have been lost long before we had a <a href="http://waitingforlittlefeet.blogspot.com/2011/10/what-difference-year-makes.html">miscarriage</a>, 2 failed Clomid cycles, <a href="http://waitingforlittlefeet.blogspot.com/2011/09/square-one.html">2 failed IUIs</a>, <a href="http://waitingforlittlefeet.blogspot.com/2011/09/back-in-saddle-again.html">cysts</a>, and<a href="http://waitingforlittlefeet.blogspot.com/2012/01/spoke-too-soon.html"> failed fertilization on IVF #1</a>.<br />
<br />
So there it is. I'm one happy, thankful, sappy, exhausted woman these days.<br />
<br />
I'm not big on pregnancy updates, but here are some bullets for those who like such things:<br />
• My low-lying placenta moved up on it's own. Score!<br />
• The Nugget continues to grow well and measure about a week ahead.<br />
• At yesterday's doctor's appointment it seemed like he had finally turned head down. We'll double check in 2 weeks.<br />
• I had my Boston baby shower about 2 weeks ago. I had friends come in from NY, NJ and even Washington DC for it. It was low-key and so, so fun.<br />
• We completed childbirth class last weekend. We feel much more prepared, or at least not as clueless. <br />
• The nursery is coming together. Compared to some of the AMAZING nurseries you all are building, mine seems downright lame by comparison! But it is warm, cozy, and will work just fine for us. My mom made the amazing curtains and we still have a wall decal to put up, as well as some other decorative pieces. We are still figuring out storage for books and toys. But, here is a peek:<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEqVtqtwv0Au7XzIM8ms-Hjogjn5dDsPNovUetxvhx0MFfsMgB-vLXYSuaQANh6PsHoheS45yLRo-TtfIskoRWSyzJdPSkPF5GUtdtZRyqaWc2EF2MnWuDRDwceimR1EoIC2FwfLIaqccL/s1600/263458_10151152091258494_2085609207_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEqVtqtwv0Au7XzIM8ms-Hjogjn5dDsPNovUetxvhx0MFfsMgB-vLXYSuaQANh6PsHoheS45yLRo-TtfIskoRWSyzJdPSkPF5GUtdtZRyqaWc2EF2MnWuDRDwceimR1EoIC2FwfLIaqccL/s320/263458_10151152091258494_2085609207_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Dr. Seuss theme - Seuss lamp, clock on the wall, and curtains!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRY_bBVUhS1XT2PyyM8dTm6ptF-WKV5JSq68vh_vCnx9fYUspbmzgrEsNzlntpLhbkpZwOghxfpENQXp4PZGVQ6U_hJ5vfCK4-NsqkzO_6s041AGfXI1rpD5qyvc0wKG5aAYiBW2EKugMi/s1600/374441_10151152092168494_49291371_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRY_bBVUhS1XT2PyyM8dTm6ptF-WKV5JSq68vh_vCnx9fYUspbmzgrEsNzlntpLhbkpZwOghxfpENQXp4PZGVQ6U_hJ5vfCK4-NsqkzO_6s041AGfXI1rpD5qyvc0wKG5aAYiBW2EKugMi/s320/374441_10151152092168494_49291371_n.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My awesome SIL gave us the changing table, dresser, and glider. The crib just happens to match!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWL-f6AUHgdF_XfH5U2EkACVuJTpZEXOo3ZA4Lut03z_N8tXsjPvlN9S1MccZMtgI_WuHapg2mUjtQPOAUQcyubFKbQBThoXe4NN7trc3_qOI-6cx-iyJ_8bxvitSoh0kNhYcrXDupdm8_/s1600/550889_10151152093238494_644585589_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWL-f6AUHgdF_XfH5U2EkACVuJTpZEXOo3ZA4Lut03z_N8tXsjPvlN9S1MccZMtgI_WuHapg2mUjtQPOAUQcyubFKbQBThoXe4NN7trc3_qOI-6cx-iyJ_8bxvitSoh0kNhYcrXDupdm8_/s320/550889_10151152093238494_644585589_n.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Close-up of Seuss fabric. It has a very cute blue border.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
I hope you all have an enjoyable Thanksgiving. I know, for some of you, getting through the holidays is really tough. It was for me. Just keep your chin up and hug people close to you.Her Royal Fabulousnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04008723588326617669noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214660851949085081.post-30424660330421049282012-10-25T20:34:00.001-04:002012-10-25T20:34:20.488-04:00Emotional Bookends TodayI'm at the end of day two of parent conferences. 16 down, 10 to go. I'm exhausted, but I have to share this.<br />
<br />
In the span of one day, I had two experiences that I just can't stop thinking about.<br />
<br />
My first conference of the day was for a kid I love. My teaching partner and I sat for a while going through the usual list of topics - social, work habits, math, reading, social studies...you know the deal. Near the end of the meeting the mom shared with us that they are going through the adoption process. In that second, every fiber of my infertile being started to explode with emotion. I was so happy to hear that this wonderful family was opening their home (to an older child!), and so warmed by the excitement on their faces when they discussed it. Then, it dawned on me that this might very well be a situation of secondary infertility. I would never ask that directly. Instead, I asked them whether they knew about RESOLVE's adoption seminars and support groups. Just as I said it, the mom and I had a moment of understanding. She said she hadn't heard about that and wrote down the information, but I swear, I realized right then that she very well might be one of us. <br />
<br />
Then, during my last conference of the day, I had the polar opposite explosion of emotions. I sat across from a mother, trying to talk about her son's behavior in class, and all I could think about was the fact that she had a full term still birth two years ago. I remember hearing the announcement from my Head of School vividly. I knew her son casually then, and had only met her in passing. Still, the thought of carrying a baby all the way to delivery and then losing it is just too overwhelming. As we carried out the conference, I realized that I wasn't worried about that happening to me. Instead, I was more worried about how difficult it might be to sit across from me during the conference, with my big belly. I wondered if she was okay with it, or if it hurt her to be in my presence. I wondered how she was doing. I wondered if she would ever try to have another baby. Somehow I resisted the urge to ask her all of those questions, hug her, and tell her that I was so sorry for her loss. <br />
<br />
What a day.Her Royal Fabulousnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04008723588326617669noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214660851949085081.post-52674155846140774262012-10-20T08:49:00.002-04:002012-10-20T08:49:41.956-04:00The Art of Enjoying the MomentMy dad: "Have you bought yourself a massage yet?" <br />
Me: "No. There is too much else to spend money on. Besides, they are over too quickly."<br />
<br />
I have a love/hate relationship with massage. This relationship is indicative of my personality as a whole. Whenever I am on the table about to start a 60, 90, or even 120 minute massage, I get consumed with the thought that it will be over soon. Even though I am paying serious bucks to enjoy my muscles being worked into submission, my brain takes over and knows that soon it will be done and disappointment sets in. It's almost like I feel the minutes tick by, and therefore the relaxation piece is diminished. This begs the question, what's the point? Why spend the money? Why can't I just enjoy the moment, and focus on the glorious feeling as it happens? Because I get in my own way, once again. <br />
<br />
I have had several moments of feeling this way about the pregnancy. I am 30 weeks on Tuesday. <i>30 weeks already,</i> and I'm kind of sad about it. Even though the whole idea of getting pregnant is to have a healthy baby in my arms at the end, I can't help but feel some sense of loss that the pregnancy itself will soon be over. Granted, I have had it easy: no complications and really very few unpleasant effects. This kid made it easy to enjoy every second. I'm sure that would be different if I had felt ill, been in pain, or had scary events take place that made me end up on bed rest and such. But, none of that happened and therefore I don't want it to end. <br />
<br />
I keep getting into a somewhat negative head space that I'm trying to work through. The pace of this fall hasn't helped matters. Work has been more stressful than it's ever been in all my years of teaching. Days blend together, linked by school events: field trips, progress reports, class play, and next week's conferences. Plus, in the last two months, I've flown to Los Angeles twice for my first baby shower and a wedding. Already, we are near Halloween and I've barely had time to breathe, let alone blog, reflect, take belly shots, or do any nursery preparation. Many days, after working for 10 hours or more (anyone who calls teachers lazy is ignorant), I realize I haven't had time to think about the baby once. Then, I stare at our to-do list (like meeting 2 pediatricians next week and getting our carpet cleaned) and know that somehow we have to get these things done, yet as we check each thing off the list, The Nugget is that much closer to being outside of me. I had a vivid dream about how it would feel to no longer be pregnant, and I woke up nearly in tears. How could this all have gone by so quickly? <br />
<br />
I just get angry at how my brain works. Why can't I just be happy and focus on the now? Why do I let my anxiety and psyche take over, eclipsing the joy in the moment? Why can't I just enjoy the massage, without anticipating its end? I don't think I'll ever really understand this part of my personality, but I sure wish I could make it stop.<br />
<br />
I keep trying to tell myself that the next step will feel as special as
having him in my belly. That although I won't feel his kicks during
a stressful workday, I'll get to hug and kiss him. Even though KG won't
rub my belly and look at me like I'm the prettiest pregnant woman on
earth, he'll see me as a pretty hot mom. Even though we won't have these
quiet moments just the two of us, three will make it even better. Anything to make it seem like I haven't wasted these precious moments, which may or may not ever happen again.<br />
<br />
After all, as an infertile, we don't take these things for granted. I am grateful every day for where I am, and know how easily it could have gone another way. We could still be waiting for a BFP. I could still be stuck in treatment hell. We could have given up altogether by now, and chosen to be child free. But instead, we were blessed and have managed to get to the third trimester. We just spent so much time and effort to get to this point, I would hate to think I let it pass me by in the blink of an eye. I just don't know how to slow the clock.<br />
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I put the latest ultrasound pic up on <a href="http://waitingforlittlefeet.blogspot.com/p/the-nugget.html">The Nugget's page</a>, along with an infant pic of KG. Check out the resemblance. It's uncanny.Her Royal Fabulousnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04008723588326617669noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214660851949085081.post-79821303480102929492012-10-10T07:41:00.000-04:002012-10-10T07:41:36.787-04:00Suspense over!This is a quickie because it is a crazy week for us, so here are bullets:<br />
<br />
<u>Good News </u><br />
<br />
• Okay...enough suspense. I am incredibly excited and proud to announce that I participated in<a href="http://bitterinfertiles.wordpress.com/2012/10/09/episode-7/"> Episode 7 of the Bitter Infertiles</a>! I had an incredible time taking part in the discussion and you should all go listen. Even better, subscribe on iTunes!<br />
<br />
• I passed my 1 hour glucose test with flying colors yay! <br />
<br />
<u>Bad News</u><br />
<br />
• My placenta is still low. It isn't previa, but it's close. There is still a chance that it will move up, but they are talking about a possible c-section. I know the most important thing is a healthy Nugget but I have to tell you, it's bumming me out. Still, I'm trying to keep some hope about resolution and they are checking it again in 4 weeks.<br />
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We are off to Los Angeles one last time tonight for my cousin's wedding. What a whirlwind month October has turned out to be!Her Royal Fabulousnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04008723588326617669noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214660851949085081.post-78021786929838751862012-10-07T15:53:00.002-04:002012-10-07T15:53:45.627-04:00GiddyI'm really, really excited about an opportunity I was given today. I'll post again soon with specifics, but let's just say I had the chance to connect with two other bloggers whom I respect and admire. It was an amazing experience. More details to come!<br />
<br />
In the meantime, please:<br />
1. Go join <a href="http://searchingforoursilverlining.blogspot.com/2012/10/autumn-sock-exchange.html">Cristy's fall sock exchange</a>. It's an uplifting experience that I have participated in a lot, and am happy to do again. <br />
2. Please give some support to <a href="http://babymakingmerrygoround.blogspot.com/">Mrs. Green Grass</a>. She could use all the love and hugs she can get.<br />
3. Go congratulate <a href="http://fromthewaitingroom.wordpress.com/2012/10/06/9dp5dt/">Shelly</a> on her BFP. I'm completely thrilled for her! <br />
<br />
Tuesday I go for my 1 hour glucose testing and 28 week ultrasound, to see if my placenta moved up on it's own. Wish me luck on both!Her Royal Fabulousnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04008723588326617669noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214660851949085081.post-72295128117545224562012-09-29T11:55:00.000-04:002012-09-29T11:55:24.484-04:00"So, will you stay home?"I have been asked this question a lot lately, mostly at work. For reference, my school is in a very wealthy suburb of Boston, and for the most part, women (although we have a couple of stay at home fathers) stay home when they have children. Not to say there aren't any working moms, but even those women usually stayed home for some extended period of time when they had babies. Additionally, there has been a series of teachers at school who quit after their maternity leave. So, I get it. They are asking a logical question. Often, it is even followed by a heartfelt expression of how disappointing it would be if I <i>did</i> stay home. It is meant to be an earnest question and one that is even a compliment.<br />
<br />
But, here's the rub. <br />
<br />
It's starting to become a painful topic, and one that brings regret and guilt to the surface. For KG and I, it is just not an option for one of us to stay home. Financially, it would be disastrous. I've discussed here before how we have been on our own (money-wise) since we were 18 and each brought some debt to our relationship. In the 11+ years we have been together, our debt grew. We have spent the last several years chipping away at it with moderate success, both working full-time, medium-ish income jobs. But, there is still a long way to go, and that isn't even touching my education debt, which I'm pretty sure I'll have until I'm 80.<br />
<br />
We are not lazy, careless, or extravagant people. We rent, we have taken <a href="http://waitingforlittlefeet.blogspot.com/2011/12/and-how-is-it-going-with-baby.html">one major vacation</a> in over a decade, KG drives a '97 Camry, and I'm in an '03 CRV. High rollers over here. But, it seems like no matter how conservative we are, we can only get so far. There is no possibility of family help with things like a house, etc. It's just us, trying to make it work. So, living on one income just isn't an option. Do I regret not being more careful with money in my late teens and early/mid twenties? Yes. Do I wish one of us made a lot more money (i.e. went into a more lucrative career path?) Yes. But, we are where we are.<br />
<br />
Even when I fantasize about being able to stay home, I get a crushing blow of reality. For example, I was in the car trying to imagine a scenario where it might work, i.e. "What if I never ate out again? What if we rented for another 5 years?" Then, it hit me. ALL of our benefits (medical, dental, retirement) are through my job. KG works for a small company that offers none of these. So, even if we figured out some hypothetical way to make being a stay at home parent work, it would not be me that got that opportunity. That brought a wave of sadness. This is a done deal.<br />
<br />
The kicker is that BOTH of us would kill for the CHOICE to be a stay-at-home parent for any significant length of time. I've mentioned how head-over-heels in love with this baby KG is, and I'm pretty sure he would carry the baby and give birth himself if he could. He would be an incredible stay-at-home dad. And I have no idea how I'll feel during my maternity leave. Maybe I'll be dying to go back to work, or maybe I'll feel crushed at the thought. There is no way to predict that now, with no experience in this area. But given the current economy, and the lack of governmental support for new parents, this is the way it is. There <i>is</i> no choice for us. <br />
<br />
Sometimes I think people (those I work with, and even some commenters on this blog) assume <i>everyone</i> has this choice. Some have even insinuated that I am selfish or strange for going back to work and leaving The Nugget in daycare (and with my father-in-law 2 days per week) this spring. I get those questions like, "Are you <i>sure</i> you want to do that? I would never leave my baby with strangers," and my heart sinks. They just don't know how lucky they are to be able to make that decision purely based on preference, and not on survival.<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Is their perspective skewed? Don't most people have to work when they have kids? </i><br />
<br />
There's another layer to this. The infertile layer. I had to work for
years to have this baby. We went through so much pain and disappointment
to get this far. And yet, because of our financial situation, I am
sacrificing some really important time with the baby. I suppose I am
luckier than most - I get 8 to 10 weeks off in the summer to be with The
Nugget. But still, it feels like after all we've been through, it feels like a
loss to not get to be with him 100% of the time. <br />
<br />
These are the times when I wish I had a rewind button and could make different choices at ages 20, 21, 22... which might have left us with more options. But, instead, I've got to come to terms with the place we are in, which compared to many isn't so bad. Right?
<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/VHhzi8PvDYw?rel=0" width="420"></iframe>Her Royal Fabulousnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04008723588326617669noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5214660851949085081.post-14720983101612127272012-09-23T09:43:00.002-04:002012-09-23T09:43:49.125-04:00MIA, Back To School madness, and Dr. SeussThat's me. Ever since I set foot back in school, I've been completely MIA from the blogosphere. I feel incredibly guilty about this, and I miss you all, but something had to give in September.<br />
<br />
Every start of school is stressful - the setting up of the classroom, faculty meetings, lesson planning, parent meetings, Back To School Night, and everything else take an incredibly long time to get under way. I knew that this school year would be tough being pregnant. But, the baby isn't even an issue. It is really all those normal factors, combined with the addition of a brand new math curriculum (nothing like making a teacher with 8 years of experience feel like a rookie) and an iPad pilot project in my classroom that makes me feel like I'm drowning. All I can do is make it from work to home, eat, and go to sleep at night. I've been waking up at 6, arriving at school around 7am, leaving around 5pm, and in bed by 9pm. Trying to squeeze in time to cook, keep our place clean, spend SOME time with KG, and you know, breathe, has been tough. I won't get into how much work I'm bringing home and how my Sundays are spent making Smartboard demonstrations for math class. These are the times that people who criticize teachers for having 8 weeks off in the summer can suck it. <br />
<br />
In the middle of all that, I flew home to Los Angeles for my first baby shower.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglkm_UxMizNoCtkehDe_77hJX36EZ-5G5_Z-blIykcBqfQFrDA7wKqSEYQJvZy8iPhH9lSPXlfwT-yFHTn99aKWmfmYdce-cD04ZQ9B1WzERlQ8v112BR9P4OGdQmCjn2callGSbo4d8Ix/s1600/10297_10152111530470317_153065000_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglkm_UxMizNoCtkehDe_77hJX36EZ-5G5_Z-blIykcBqfQFrDA7wKqSEYQJvZy8iPhH9lSPXlfwT-yFHTn99aKWmfmYdce-cD04ZQ9B1WzERlQ8v112BR9P4OGdQmCjn2callGSbo4d8Ix/s400/10297_10152111530470317_153065000_n.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
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I was thrilled to go, but missing work this close to the start of school just added to my anxiety. Putting that aside, while I was there, I hit 100 degree weather, saw some friends, spent time with my family, and slept like a baby. My best friend, her partner, and my mom hosted this awesome Dr. Seuss themed brunchy shower and it was wonderful. The BFF and partner did all the decorations, delicious food and drinks, and handled the RSVP details. It was intimate (only about 10 people), mellow, and was sans embarrassing taste-the-baby-food games. Just what I requested.<br />
<br />
Then, there was the cake. 10 years ago, my mother made my sister's wedding cake, after taking Wilton classes and practicing for months beforehand. Because I got married in Boston, she couldn't do the same for me. But, guess what she did for the baby shower?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirq0LyV6PROpYG1c_RTG2VlPvecScNyyBE4YcZz78-wxZuH98mLMkJ_sTvbF8iTFM0X29W4fnFb-8GTLK31fGORVoFz1_mZqnZxJ6DjkTatohbKEnHOjaEb6JkcTI_8OeSoVFReT84w2BJ/s1600/552119_10152111531090317_165090149_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirq0LyV6PROpYG1c_RTG2VlPvecScNyyBE4YcZz78-wxZuH98mLMkJ_sTvbF8iTFM0X29W4fnFb-8GTLK31fGORVoFz1_mZqnZxJ6DjkTatohbKEnHOjaEb6JkcTI_8OeSoVFReT84w2BJ/s400/552119_10152111531090317_165090149_n.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Can you believe it?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4etZPA8pszJTbOmX7tz8CNeCTDCASrmRTsxUXrFOQc7e8wJxa_9TG3kg9iIAcEJWUq4_Js-emWl6Bm4pqM92mpxnKPyH848iecYKdJ2cXcK-ruZ_-Xf74AQpfEF6LJ7SBSh-JQffUPvk3/s1600/532294_10152111540000317_698116879_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4etZPA8pszJTbOmX7tz8CNeCTDCASrmRTsxUXrFOQc7e8wJxa_9TG3kg9iIAcEJWUq4_Js-emWl6Bm4pqM92mpxnKPyH848iecYKdJ2cXcK-ruZ_-Xf74AQpfEF6LJ7SBSh-JQffUPvk3/s400/532294_10152111540000317_698116879_n.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Cake Boss would be jealous!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7ql4WRuC_LEQFHR0G2_pOkOUKiDgCpN-yhVI_Epee-cVnQKuJ88RYNmXi23yTLsjY2Ua-9JkgZUMAZREHqhDDphSyNybKjiUNtroDF3J8VbVei-nzZXDvQyW_uqQJAd8TLcCFxpuXc1ZC/s1600/246705_10151083761233494_731739486_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7ql4WRuC_LEQFHR0G2_pOkOUKiDgCpN-yhVI_Epee-cVnQKuJ88RYNmXi23yTLsjY2Ua-9JkgZUMAZREHqhDDphSyNybKjiUNtroDF3J8VbVei-nzZXDvQyW_uqQJAd8TLcCFxpuXc1ZC/s320/246705_10151083761233494_731739486_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Mom, me, and my sister</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
While I was gone, KG spent hours starting the process of physical transformation at our place. He scrubbed, labored, sneezed, and moved Mt. Baby (as we are calling the huge collection of baby gear donated to our cause) into the beginnings of our new office so it doesn't take over our living room. Soon, we'll finish cleaning out the old office (aka the future nursery), move our wireless access to the new office, clean the carpet in the nursery, build the crib, pick up the changing table/glider/ottoman/dresser from SIL, organize Mt. Baby, and make a home for this little guy. I know theoretically we have time for all this, but the weeks seem to be flying by, and the to-do list just seems to grow. Have I mentioned we haven't started looking for a pediatrician yet?<br />
<br />
Every time I get overwhelmed with these details, I try to take a breath and remind myself of how fortunate we are. If you told me at the beginning of my infertility treatments in January of 2010 that I would be lucky enough to even HAVE a baby shower, I would have laughed in your face. I can't describe the deep feeling of gratitude I have for every single kick, nudge, and flip The Nugget does in my belly. I also ache for my blogger friends who have experienced a recent loss, have ended their journey, or are still trying for a BFP. <a href="http://scrambled-eggs.org/">Belle</a>, <a href="http://sometimesitshardtogetpregnant.blogspot.com/">Sometimes,</a> <a href="http://theelusivesecondline.wordpress.com/">Trisha</a>, <a href="http://rappbabyjourney.blogspot.com/">Toni</a>, <a href="http://mommyodyssey.com/">Mo</a>, <a href="http://ceaseanddecyst.wordpress.com/">Sunny</a>, <a href="http://searchingforoursilverlining.blogspot.com/">Cristy</a>, <a href="http://detourtomotherhood.blogspot.com/">Detour</a>, and more. I hold you close ladies and send you whatever support I can. <br />
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I leave you with the new Mumford and Sons song that I am obsessed with, "I Will Wait." This song could have been my anthem during treatments. Enjoy.<br />
<br />
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<iframe frameborder="0" height="315" id="nbc-video-widget" src="http://www.nbc.com/assets/video/widget/widget.html?vid=1418226" width="560"></iframe>Her Royal Fabulousnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04008723588326617669noreply@blogger.com10