3 words

Proud.  Excited. Accomplished. Those are the three words that describe me most today. They don't describe me every day. Some days, the words might be drastically different. But today, those fit.

Why do you ask?

Proud: It's just a little thing, but RESOLVE New England featured my Poker Face post on their newly revamped website. A big high five to their new, awesome Director of Communications and Social Media - Keiko Zoll for giving me the opportunity to reach a wider audience. Nothing makes me happier than writing (and blogging specifically) and seeing myself "published" gives my noggin a nice swell.

I am a member of RESOLVE and am working up the courage to start attending their peer groups. Do any of you go? Do your spouses go? I have a good support system and a private therapist. But, still. It might be good to talk IRL with other IFers. Give me the lowdown, ladies.

Excited: Today was my first session of electroacupuncture in a while. It feels like a solid step toward helping my ovaries to heal and shrink any nasty cysts left over from the IVF of doom. I also got all of my insurance clearance for IVF#2 and ICSI in the mail. That means I should get the call from my RE's office soon, with my Lupron start date. I am SO ready to start over. Let's get this show on the road!

Accomplished: I've had some really good teaching moments the last couple of weeks. As a teacher, I don't always have those days. Sometimes Many times, it is a struggle to get through to kids in a way that really sticks. Other times, you nail it. Lately, whether it is that point in the year when ten year olds start to turn into real students, or that I just happened to design a few good lessons, I see the tide turning with a few of them. That's what makes the stress, frustration, low pay, and long hours of teaching worth it.

So, what 3 words describe you today?

Bouncing back

My blog hit 10,000 hits and it just made my morning. Thanks guys. I am feeling all "Aww, shucks" about it. I love blogging and all of your support keeps me motivated.
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I have been thinking a lot about change lately. Yesterday, on the playground, another teacher and I were chatting about the idea of resiliency in children. As teachers, we see it as one of the most valuable skills a child can have: the ability to recover from some kind of setback (emotional, physical, whatever). It is also a trait that is very difficult to teach. When we see it naturally occur in children, we know that kid will have an advantage over others who get stuck in their frustration or pain.

When I think about it, I actually did not have resiliency as a child. Or, let's face it, until my 30s. I was the kid who would curl up and cry in my bedroom when some social disaster happened. I would refuse to go to school and would rerun the scenario over and over again in my mind, obsessing on it for far too long.

Now, I will not claim that I am cured of this issue. I still tend to overthink, overanalyze, and generally make myself crazy. I'm sure KG would agree. But, as an adult, I have had no choice but to develop resiliency that I lacked as a kid. Besides infertility, there are painful life experiences that forced me to find ways to leave my bed, put my feet on the floor, and keep moving through my life. Illness, relationships, the death of friends and family, financial stress and all the other fun shit that happens, often without warning. What else can you do? You keep moving.

The last few days, I began feel like myself again. Smiles aren't as forced. Tears have abated. KG and I can kid around or watch "Two Broke Girls" and actually laugh. I haven't forgotten what happened. I think I have just processed it and decided to not let my failed IVF cycle rule every second of my day.  Seeing my therapist helped. Working some stuff out with my mom helped. Lots of hugs and support from my friends and KG helped. All in all, I'm feeling pretty proud of myself.

1 week of mourning? Not so bad.

And now, a song about hard times and resiliency.

The best verse from Change by Blind Melon:

When you feel your life ain't worth living
you've got to stand up and
take a look around you then a look way up to the sky.
And when your deepest thoughts are broken,
keep on dreaming boy, cause when you stop dreamin' it's time to die.




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A few random thoughts for this morning
• AF arrived yesterday. Back on the pill tomorrow. Step one of IVF #2 complete.
• I have been drinking this Green Monster smoothie (as blogged by Cornfed Feminist and Sunny at Cease and Decyst) and it is life changing! I have been eating like crap lately and this gives me a fast yummy way to get in a bunch of greens first thing in the morning. I swear to you, I can't taste the spinach.
• I slept 11 hours last night. A.MAZ.ING.
• Anyone have cats? We have 2 (for the last 9 years) and they drive us insane because they always hiss and growl at each other. Anyone know any kitty psychiatry?