Something has shifted inside of me since Friday. KG noticed. I noticed. My mom noticed. My therapist noticed. Somehow, I've managed to turn a corner and start to fulfill my promise to myself to become 100% invested in this pregnancy. You know, that one Mel held me to. I think it was the NT scan that did it: seeing The Nugget in real time, with fingers and toes. Something inside of me clicked. There really is a baby in there and all of this could turn out okay. Suddenly, I want to tell EVERYONE and am so damn excited.
KG and I have had many discussions about how and when to tell everyone that we are expecting. Obviously we wanted to wait until after the NT Scan but I kept wavering about waiting longer than that. Once an infertile, always an infertile. I don't know how to deal with anything without going first to a place of fear. What if we tell too soon? What if I jinx it?
But here's the thing: if it is just fear holding me back, there's no real point in waiting longer. The truth is that something bad could happen with the baby at any time during this pregnancy and birth. We have passed through the first trimester, but that doesn't mean the danger is over. So, does that mean we should wait until 15 weeks? 18 weeks? 24 weeks? When is the magic time? When does the fear go away?
It doesn't.
So, we took a baby step. Over the weekend we called and emailed some good friends and announced our good news. These were folks that are important to us, but necessarily in the know about our IVF cycle. Still, we wanted them to know before we do IT.
By it I mean, you guessed it, the Bookface announcement. I know, I know. It's tacky and lame to use social media to announce such news. But honestly, it's a quick way to spread the news. And you know what? We are freaking excited to do it, cliche and all. We worked hard to get to this point, and I'm excited to be ending the first trimester. I am so beyond happy right now, and I want to share that joy. Roll your eyes if you must.
So, later tonight, the deed will be done. I'm nervous about it, because I am still a bit stuck in the superstitious frame of mind. But, maybe there will be some relief too, once it's out there.
In other news, here is a list of weird things happening to me:
1. Over the course of the last 3-4 days, BAM. Belly. Has. Popped. No sucking in possible. 13 week belly shot to come.
2. A fine layer of peach fuzz appeared all over my belly. Strange.
3. My skin is breaking out like a 13 year old.
3. I'm having some muscular pains under my belly, near my pelvic bone.
4. There is lots of random crying watching various things on TV, baby-related or not.
Anyone else in either TTC or pregnancy hormonal overload right now?
Showing posts with label IVF #2. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IVF #2. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Waiting Room
Apparently, I'm going to be spending a lot of time in my OB's waiting room.
First, the good news: Overall, I liked the doctor. She was warm and friendly. We got to hear the heartbeat on a doppler at 10 weeks 3 days. 155 bpm. She warned us it might take a while to find it, but then it was there right away. Music to our ears. Now of course I want to get a doppler for home use. I'm still debating about that. KG is convinced I'll use it every day if we get one. But, I think I could agree to only do it with him once or twice per week. Thoughts on home doppler use anyone?
We also scheduled the early and second semester integrated screening (NT Scan and the 18w scan). I see the doctor again in a month.We went over a lot of my records, talked about some vaccines His Royal Fabulousness and I need, got a breast exam and a vaginal culture, checked my cervix and uterus, tested protein and sugar in my urine, and discussed some additional genetic testing for Ashkenazi Jewish background that I haven't had. I only had the basic 4 tests for that, and now there are like 20. I need to call my medical insurance to see if those tests are covered. We also talked about my risk for PPD (higher because of my history of depression and anxiety). She supported the rec to stay on my medications for that and said overall everything looked perfect.
The bad news: It was quite the ordeal in the OB's office yesterday. We had a 3:00 appointment and she didn't walk in the room until 3:45. She also quickly saw another patient (one who had come late because she got her appt. time wrong) in the middle of our appointment. She seemed a bit scattered, but I think that might have been because she was running so, so late. I didn't end up getting out of there until 5. I was a little pissed off and even more so when she failed to call me last night with instructions about stopping my progesterone and Metformin. She said she wanted a bit of time to review my chart more before giving me instructions and that she would call after office hours. No call. Sigh. I guess I'll call Monday morning. Do you think this is a bad sign about her reliability, or just a bad day? She comes SO HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.
So, I guess this baby is deciding to stick. KG said I looked genuinely shocked when we heard the heartbeat. That's both amusing and sad to me. I'm still working on my promise to think positively, but I'm making headway. My mom and I have been discussing timing for a baby shower in Los Angeles, which makes me happy. I've started to allow myself to look ahead, make plans, and get a little excited. Bit by bit.
This week was a good one: I turned 32, went to a Red Sox game on free tickets, said goodbye to my students for the summer, and heard the sweet sound of my baby's ticker. All in all, not bad.
Enjoy listening to Fugazi's "Waiting Room." Bonus points to anyone who can sing along.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
The Demise of Rock and Roll and Thoughts on Belly Shots
I'm in the mood for bullets.
• Those of you who have been reading the blog for a while know about my love of music. It's a part of my identity that I cling to. But, I am grieving for a death in the music community this week, hardcore.
My favorite Boston radio station is going under this week, after being sold to Clear Channel. I have been depressed about it all week, probably disproportionately so. WFNX (started in 1983) was one of the last independent, alternative rock stations. It comes on the heels of another major rock station's demise (WBCN) in 2009.
Both of these stations were a major part of Boston's local rock scene. WFNX had entire blocks dedicated to showcasing local bands and sponsored live shows nearly every week. It was where I heard bands like The Raconteurs, The Black Keys, and Alabama Shakes for the first time. They had bands like The Pixies, The Smiths, and The Cure in heavy rotation with newer bands like Bombay Bicycle Club. It kept me in the loop. It kept me current. It kept me from feeling like a total dinosaur. Howard Stern warned me about the evils of Clear Channel years ago when he made the switch to satellite radio. I should have listened to him. Now, where will I hear about tiny bands, about to make it big?
• I saw The Avengers last week. It is AMAZING. Go see it.
• My thoughts on belly shots:
I hate my stomach. I have struggled with body image issues my entire life. I have posted before (I think) about how much I struggled with my weight for most of my life. Then in 2008 I went through a significant weight loss (although it wasn't enough to reach my goal weight), which improved my comfort in my own skin. I was at the gym consistently taking spin classes and I got a trainer for a while. I weighed my food and made pretty good choices. Then, since starting injectables (IUIs, then IVFs) my exercise routine went by the wayside. I just couldn't handle the emotional and physical fatigue. But, I've been okay with the softening of my thighs, butt, and belly. I haven't really gained any actual poundage, I am just...mushier. I am also 100% okay with gaining baby weight. I'll deal with the aftermath post-partum. BUT....then there is the idea of belly shots. My intention is to avoid belly shots until later on, perhaps 12, 14, or 16 weeks. I wouldn't show until then anyway right? No need to make people gross out at the site of my stomach.
But then, I was in a dressing room yesterday in yoga pants, and I noticed it. The beginnings of a bump. I'm 10 weeks tomorrow, so it makes sense. Honestly, I got a little excited at the sight. Then I realized, I was sucking in. I suck in every second I am standing. I always have. When I let go of the breath that was holding my tummy in, I realized the belly was WAY rounder and larger. The perfectionist in me wondered: when women take belly shots, are they sucking in? Or are they letting it all hang out? For those who are or have been pregnant, what do you do?
• Some folks have been asking about my symptoms. In general, I have gotten off very easy so far. I don't have many, and the ones I do have are very subtle. I've been very tired (naps and such) and had some passing queasiness. Also, I suddenly can't eat fish or beef, and want iced drinks instead of my normal room temperature preference. For the first few weeks, I couldn't regulate my temperature very well - I would swing from freezing to sweating a lot. I hadn't heard of that as a symptom before, but what can I say? I'm an original. But all of that seems to be settling down, which my RE says is normal between weeks 9-12.
• My intake appointment with the new OB's nurse is Wednesday. We meet with the actual OB on Friday afternoon. Not sure if that will be too early for a listen to the heartbeat with a doppler, but here's hoping.
• I also turn 32 on Wednesday. I almost forgot I have a birthday coming up, until KG asked what I wanted to do. I'm thinking this will be a quiet one, but the best birthday I've had since my 29th, before we started TTC.
In honor of the demise of WFNX, REM's "It's the End of the World As We Know It"
• Those of you who have been reading the blog for a while know about my love of music. It's a part of my identity that I cling to. But, I am grieving for a death in the music community this week, hardcore.
My favorite Boston radio station is going under this week, after being sold to Clear Channel. I have been depressed about it all week, probably disproportionately so. WFNX (started in 1983) was one of the last independent, alternative rock stations. It comes on the heels of another major rock station's demise (WBCN) in 2009.
Both of these stations were a major part of Boston's local rock scene. WFNX had entire blocks dedicated to showcasing local bands and sponsored live shows nearly every week. It was where I heard bands like The Raconteurs, The Black Keys, and Alabama Shakes for the first time. They had bands like The Pixies, The Smiths, and The Cure in heavy rotation with newer bands like Bombay Bicycle Club. It kept me in the loop. It kept me current. It kept me from feeling like a total dinosaur. Howard Stern warned me about the evils of Clear Channel years ago when he made the switch to satellite radio. I should have listened to him. Now, where will I hear about tiny bands, about to make it big?
• I saw The Avengers last week. It is AMAZING. Go see it.
• My thoughts on belly shots:
I hate my stomach. I have struggled with body image issues my entire life. I have posted before (I think) about how much I struggled with my weight for most of my life. Then in 2008 I went through a significant weight loss (although it wasn't enough to reach my goal weight), which improved my comfort in my own skin. I was at the gym consistently taking spin classes and I got a trainer for a while. I weighed my food and made pretty good choices. Then, since starting injectables (IUIs, then IVFs) my exercise routine went by the wayside. I just couldn't handle the emotional and physical fatigue. But, I've been okay with the softening of my thighs, butt, and belly. I haven't really gained any actual poundage, I am just...mushier. I am also 100% okay with gaining baby weight. I'll deal with the aftermath post-partum. BUT....then there is the idea of belly shots. My intention is to avoid belly shots until later on, perhaps 12, 14, or 16 weeks. I wouldn't show until then anyway right? No need to make people gross out at the site of my stomach.
But then, I was in a dressing room yesterday in yoga pants, and I noticed it. The beginnings of a bump. I'm 10 weeks tomorrow, so it makes sense. Honestly, I got a little excited at the sight. Then I realized, I was sucking in. I suck in every second I am standing. I always have. When I let go of the breath that was holding my tummy in, I realized the belly was WAY rounder and larger. The perfectionist in me wondered: when women take belly shots, are they sucking in? Or are they letting it all hang out? For those who are or have been pregnant, what do you do?
• Some folks have been asking about my symptoms. In general, I have gotten off very easy so far. I don't have many, and the ones I do have are very subtle. I've been very tired (naps and such) and had some passing queasiness. Also, I suddenly can't eat fish or beef, and want iced drinks instead of my normal room temperature preference. For the first few weeks, I couldn't regulate my temperature very well - I would swing from freezing to sweating a lot. I hadn't heard of that as a symptom before, but what can I say? I'm an original. But all of that seems to be settling down, which my RE says is normal between weeks 9-12.
• My intake appointment with the new OB's nurse is Wednesday. We meet with the actual OB on Friday afternoon. Not sure if that will be too early for a listen to the heartbeat with a doppler, but here's hoping.
• I also turn 32 on Wednesday. I almost forgot I have a birthday coming up, until KG asked what I wanted to do. I'm thinking this will be a quiet one, but the best birthday I've had since my 29th, before we started TTC.
In honor of the demise of WFNX, REM's "It's the End of the World As We Know It"
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Graduation Day
Well despite being buried in progress reports this weekend, I managed to maintain a decent level of panic about our ultrasound this morning. Old habits die hard.
The day didn't start out so well. I had to run and errand before the appointment, so KG and I left at slightly different times. I quickly realized I had cut it close on time with rush hour traffic, and pulled into the lot at the hospital with about 2 minutes to spare. KG didn't have as much luck with lights and shortcuts and was still stuck on the pike at that point. So, we decided I would go in without him, praying he would make it by the time they called me back. Cue additional panic. All I could picture was getting bad news, alone, on an examining table.
Luckily, it took a bit of time to get checked in, changed, and settled in the ultrasound room. Oh, and guess who had a student in the room with the ultrasound tech? I figured, so many medical professionals have seen my hoo-ha, what's one more?
I heard my phone ding with a text message as soon as I laid down. KG made it just as we were starting. This time, the ultrasound was in the main imaging center, instead of my RE's office. Biggest benefit? A screen facing the examining table, so we could watch the whole time. Score.
The tech took pity on me and showed us the heartbeat right away, so I would actually breathe. By the way, apparently it's my job to cry during ultrasounds these days. So yeah. She then did a bunch of measurements, took pix of all my female organs, and spent a generous amount of time showing us The Nugget's feet, hands, spine, and such. It just boggles my mind how teeny the baby is, and yet how much has developed in just a couple of weeks.
After, we went upstairs to meet with the RE one last time. There were many hugs and lots of congratulations. We went over all the testing, talked about my medications, and prepped for my OB visit next week. Then, we talked a bit about our frozen embryos and what to do when we were ready to use them. Before I knew it, we were wrapping up, saying goodbye, and leaving her office. On the way out, her nurse (whom I love) said, "Happy Graduation Day!"
After so many months of treatment and monitoring, it feels truly bizarre to be leaving her care. Honestly, sometimes I didn't believe that we would ever leave that office pregnant. But, it's time to fly the coop. I need to begin to see this pregnancy as a success, and not as a disaster waiting to happen. A big way to start is by seeing the regular OB, and not by being in the office that reminds me of infertility. I want to begin to assume the best, instead of bracing for the worst.
It's time to keep my promise to myself and create a shift in my thinking.
New pics are up on "The Nugget" page, for your viewing pleasure.
The day didn't start out so well. I had to run and errand before the appointment, so KG and I left at slightly different times. I quickly realized I had cut it close on time with rush hour traffic, and pulled into the lot at the hospital with about 2 minutes to spare. KG didn't have as much luck with lights and shortcuts and was still stuck on the pike at that point. So, we decided I would go in without him, praying he would make it by the time they called me back. Cue additional panic. All I could picture was getting bad news, alone, on an examining table.
Luckily, it took a bit of time to get checked in, changed, and settled in the ultrasound room. Oh, and guess who had a student in the room with the ultrasound tech? I figured, so many medical professionals have seen my hoo-ha, what's one more?
I heard my phone ding with a text message as soon as I laid down. KG made it just as we were starting. This time, the ultrasound was in the main imaging center, instead of my RE's office. Biggest benefit? A screen facing the examining table, so we could watch the whole time. Score.
The tech took pity on me and showed us the heartbeat right away, so I would actually breathe. By the way, apparently it's my job to cry during ultrasounds these days. So yeah. She then did a bunch of measurements, took pix of all my female organs, and spent a generous amount of time showing us The Nugget's feet, hands, spine, and such. It just boggles my mind how teeny the baby is, and yet how much has developed in just a couple of weeks.
After, we went upstairs to meet with the RE one last time. There were many hugs and lots of congratulations. We went over all the testing, talked about my medications, and prepped for my OB visit next week. Then, we talked a bit about our frozen embryos and what to do when we were ready to use them. Before I knew it, we were wrapping up, saying goodbye, and leaving her office. On the way out, her nurse (whom I love) said, "Happy Graduation Day!"
After so many months of treatment and monitoring, it feels truly bizarre to be leaving her care. Honestly, sometimes I didn't believe that we would ever leave that office pregnant. But, it's time to fly the coop. I need to begin to see this pregnancy as a success, and not as a disaster waiting to happen. A big way to start is by seeing the regular OB, and not by being in the office that reminds me of infertility. I want to begin to assume the best, instead of bracing for the worst.
It's time to keep my promise to myself and create a shift in my thinking.
New pics are up on "The Nugget" page, for your viewing pleasure.
Thumping
That's what the baby's heart was going this morning, thumping away at 185bpm. Measuring right on track. The Nugget even wiggled and waved a little bit.
Will post more later, including details from my graduation ceremony from the RE and u/s pix.
Can this actually be happening?
Will post more later, including details from my graduation ceremony from the RE and u/s pix.
Can this actually be happening?
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Distraction is a Good Thing
May is the absolute busiest time of the school year for me. Right about now, we are squeezing in loads of curriculum, field trips, school events, and various other mandatory items with a very distinct deadline. Need an example? While most of my friends are planning barbeques and picnics for Memorial Day weekend, I'll be writing 13 progress reports, each of which takes 2-3 hours. Yup, it's just me and my laptop this weekend.
Although all of this is exhausting, the distraction is probably a good thing right now. I have been thinking of sweet Belle's loss a lot, but all of this action at work leaves me very little time to think about my own upcoming ultrasound on Wednesday. I'll be a little over 9 weeks then, and am praying I'll see that same healthy heartbeat. I've been having a symptom or two here and there, but nothing remarkable. I'm just trying not to read too much into it.
Work stress has also left me a bit uninspired when it comes to blogging this week. But, I know that as soon as my last report is written and the last day with my students gets a bit closer, I'll start to reclaim some creativity 'round these parts.
In the meantime, I'll close my eyes and visualize summer.
DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince, "Summertime"
Although all of this is exhausting, the distraction is probably a good thing right now. I have been thinking of sweet Belle's loss a lot, but all of this action at work leaves me very little time to think about my own upcoming ultrasound on Wednesday. I'll be a little over 9 weeks then, and am praying I'll see that same healthy heartbeat. I've been having a symptom or two here and there, but nothing remarkable. I'm just trying not to read too much into it.
Work stress has also left me a bit uninspired when it comes to blogging this week. But, I know that as soon as my last report is written and the last day with my students gets a bit closer, I'll start to reclaim some creativity 'round these parts.
In the meantime, I'll close my eyes and visualize summer.
DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince, "Summertime"
Friday, May 18, 2012
Keeping Promises
Mel called me out. She said, now that I promised to not waste my entire pregnancy being petrified, I have to follow through and keep my promise. I'm doing my best. I truly am.
At work, I had to teach a series of lessons to my students about child abuse prevention. The lessons cover the normal stuff: strangers, good touch/bad touch, assertiveness...you get the idea. We teach it every year. We asked them during the lessons, "What can you do to keep yourself safe?" They suggested ideas like not talking to strangers, saying "No!" if someone made them feel uncomfortable, and never telling someone you are home alone. Yes, you still have to explicitly teach this stuff.
But, when I think about that question and what my own answer would be, the response is quite different. I think I have a handle on physical safety. I lived in major urban areas my entire life: first Los Angeles, and now Boston. I know about eye contact, staying alert, and looking like you know exactly where you are going at all times. I'm not so worried about keeping my body safe. It's the brain that's really vulnerable.
Emotional safety and protection is a really tricky issue. There is no feeling quite like that of being vulnerable. You could be vulnerable to another person (in a relationship for instance) or you can be vulnerable to life circumstances (as in infertility and other life crises). Everyone tries to protect themselves from heartache at one point or another, and we all have different methods of doing this. What can I do to keep myself safe? For me, it feels safer to constantly imagine the worst case scenario - to visualize the most frightening thing I can imagine. Somehow, I have convinced myself that if I can imagine a truly awful outcome to a situation in which I feel completely exposed and vulnerable, it won't hurt as badly if it comes to fruition. I've prepared myself for it, see?
This pattern sounds really depressing and cynical. KG kids me about it all the time. But I don't know how to change it. This is a long-time habit, that has been perfected over the course of my life.
I think perhaps my goal shouldn't be to stop it, but to balance it with also focusing on the flip side. Along with picturing tears and heartache, I should picture a round belly and kicks in my ribs. If I can get to a 50/50 ratio, that's major progress.
Like I said before, it is ridiculous to waste this time, purely based on the possibility it might end tomorrow. The fact is that I have no idea what's going to happen. I have no control. I have to accept that. So, I might as well reap as much joy as I can.
Since seeing the heartbeat on Monday (was that really only a few days ago? Longest. Week. Ever.), I feel better. I won't say I don't have moments of heart stopping, stomach dropping fear that there won't be a heartbeat at the next ultrasound. I do have my fair share of those moments. But, I also have a lot of moments where this is starting to feel a little more real. Where I relax a little. Where I smile knowingly. Hell, I even took a major step and unpacked some pregnancy books I had hidden in the closet since my miscarriage. This was a big thing for me, and I'm praying I didn't jinx myself.
Another accomplishment: I made an appointment with a regular OB for the week after my last ultrasound at the RE's office. It took me a few days to psych myself up to do it, but it's done. Of course, I keep picturing myself having to cancel the appointment because I've miscarried, but you can't expect me to have a complete emotional overhaul in one week, right?
At work, I had to teach a series of lessons to my students about child abuse prevention. The lessons cover the normal stuff: strangers, good touch/bad touch, assertiveness...you get the idea. We teach it every year. We asked them during the lessons, "What can you do to keep yourself safe?" They suggested ideas like not talking to strangers, saying "No!" if someone made them feel uncomfortable, and never telling someone you are home alone. Yes, you still have to explicitly teach this stuff.
But, when I think about that question and what my own answer would be, the response is quite different. I think I have a handle on physical safety. I lived in major urban areas my entire life: first Los Angeles, and now Boston. I know about eye contact, staying alert, and looking like you know exactly where you are going at all times. I'm not so worried about keeping my body safe. It's the brain that's really vulnerable.
Emotional safety and protection is a really tricky issue. There is no feeling quite like that of being vulnerable. You could be vulnerable to another person (in a relationship for instance) or you can be vulnerable to life circumstances (as in infertility and other life crises). Everyone tries to protect themselves from heartache at one point or another, and we all have different methods of doing this. What can I do to keep myself safe? For me, it feels safer to constantly imagine the worst case scenario - to visualize the most frightening thing I can imagine. Somehow, I have convinced myself that if I can imagine a truly awful outcome to a situation in which I feel completely exposed and vulnerable, it won't hurt as badly if it comes to fruition. I've prepared myself for it, see?
This pattern sounds really depressing and cynical. KG kids me about it all the time. But I don't know how to change it. This is a long-time habit, that has been perfected over the course of my life.
I think perhaps my goal shouldn't be to stop it, but to balance it with also focusing on the flip side. Along with picturing tears and heartache, I should picture a round belly and kicks in my ribs. If I can get to a 50/50 ratio, that's major progress.
Like I said before, it is ridiculous to waste this time, purely based on the possibility it might end tomorrow. The fact is that I have no idea what's going to happen. I have no control. I have to accept that. So, I might as well reap as much joy as I can.
Since seeing the heartbeat on Monday (was that really only a few days ago? Longest. Week. Ever.), I feel better. I won't say I don't have moments of heart stopping, stomach dropping fear that there won't be a heartbeat at the next ultrasound. I do have my fair share of those moments. But, I also have a lot of moments where this is starting to feel a little more real. Where I relax a little. Where I smile knowingly. Hell, I even took a major step and unpacked some pregnancy books I had hidden in the closet since my miscarriage. This was a big thing for me, and I'm praying I didn't jinx myself.
Another accomplishment: I made an appointment with a regular OB for the week after my last ultrasound at the RE's office. It took me a few days to psych myself up to do it, but it's done. Of course, I keep picturing myself having to cancel the appointment because I've miscarried, but you can't expect me to have a complete emotional overhaul in one week, right?
Monday, May 14, 2012
The only slightly longer version
To say we were nervous this morning doesn't even begin to describe how much adrenaline we had pumping. Thank goodness we had an 8:15 appointment this morning. Waiting until longer in the day would have been torture.
Once we were there, we didn't have to wait long before my name was called. I know the ultrasound tech well, and the minute she saw me she knew how petrified I was. We went into a teeny little room, without a fantastic spot for KG. So, he made do, at my feet, giving me reassuring rubs on my toes.
Thank goodness this tech is one who tells you every single thing she sees as she goes. She did all the normal checks, and then quickly zoomed in, and pointed out the heartbeat, letting us sit and stare at it for a bit.
That's when I lost it. I wept on the table, letting out a lot of the fear I had been holding in my chest for weeks. She then measured the fetus and told us it was measuring right on time. Again, more tears. She compared the size of the baby to a grain of rice. That blew KG's mind.
Before she finished, she zoomed in for the heartbeat one more time, printed us our copy of a picture*, and sent us on our way. Our next appointment is on May 30th, when we'll get released to an OB if all looks good.
At least for today, I feel relieved. It is starting to sink in that maybe, just maybe, I'll be a mom by New Years.
But, I thought about the tech a lot as I drove to school. Because I have been in treatment at this clinic since January of 2011, I know a lot about her. I know she just had her third IVF result in a BFN after needing to coast for several days before retrieval. I know she has premature ovarian failure. I know about her cute little dog. I know how hard her nephew's birthday parties are. I can't imagine how hard it is for her to see someone else be so happy about a teeny little heartbeat.
I'm also thinking of Belle today. Although her doctor saw a heartbeat at her first ultrasound today, she is feeling nervous because Pip measured a little bit small. Please go send her some love and support.
*I started a separate page for pregnancy updates and pictures. Click on "The Nugget" if you like that kind of thing. If not, feel free to skip.
Once we were there, we didn't have to wait long before my name was called. I know the ultrasound tech well, and the minute she saw me she knew how petrified I was. We went into a teeny little room, without a fantastic spot for KG. So, he made do, at my feet, giving me reassuring rubs on my toes.
Thank goodness this tech is one who tells you every single thing she sees as she goes. She did all the normal checks, and then quickly zoomed in, and pointed out the heartbeat, letting us sit and stare at it for a bit.
That's when I lost it. I wept on the table, letting out a lot of the fear I had been holding in my chest for weeks. She then measured the fetus and told us it was measuring right on time. Again, more tears. She compared the size of the baby to a grain of rice. That blew KG's mind.
Before she finished, she zoomed in for the heartbeat one more time, printed us our copy of a picture*, and sent us on our way. Our next appointment is on May 30th, when we'll get released to an OB if all looks good.
At least for today, I feel relieved. It is starting to sink in that maybe, just maybe, I'll be a mom by New Years.
But, I thought about the tech a lot as I drove to school. Because I have been in treatment at this clinic since January of 2011, I know a lot about her. I know she just had her third IVF result in a BFN after needing to coast for several days before retrieval. I know she has premature ovarian failure. I know about her cute little dog. I know how hard her nephew's birthday parties are. I can't imagine how hard it is for her to see someone else be so happy about a teeny little heartbeat.
I'm also thinking of Belle today. Although her doctor saw a heartbeat at her first ultrasound today, she is feeling nervous because Pip measured a little bit small. Please go send her some love and support.
*I started a separate page for pregnancy updates and pictures. Click on "The Nugget" if you like that kind of thing. If not, feel free to skip.
I can breathe a little
Just a dash through to say all went well this morning. The baby measuring right on track and the heartrate was 130bpm! More later...
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Countdown
As Belle would say, I have 2 more sleeps before the ultrasound on Monday.
I'll be 7 weeks then. There won't be any ambiguity - either we will see a heartbeat or we will know it is over.
It isn't any secret I've been in a bad place while we wait for that day. In the past, I've written about my scars and the ridges are definitely showing. We haven't been pregnant since 2010 and we know how that ended. I can tell KG has come to the end of his rope with trying to soothe me or make me feel more positively about the outcome this time. He isn't angry with me, but he's frustrated that he can't fix me right now. He can't make me assume the best.
I keep playing 2 different scenarios in my mind. The one that ends in joyous tears, and the one that ends in the other kind. If it isn't good news, how am I supposed to live through that again? I think back to the pain of those days and it just seems unimaginable that I could be forced to go through it for a second time. But, it happens. Unfortunately, when you are a part of this community, you are constantly reminded that it happens over and over again.
One decision I did make is this: if we do see a heartbeat on Monday, I'm making some changes. Although there is nothing I can do to avoid being scared between every ultrasound and chance to check on the baby, I refuse to waste my entire pregnancy feeling as petrified as I do right now. Somehow, I will force myself to try and enjoy this time, because I worked so damn hard to get here.
I have read several blog posts about the huge wave of BFPs lately in the blogosphere. They have had an undercurrent of pain in almost every one. It's understandable. I lived through several of those waves in the last 2 years, and they hurt me every time. Simultaneously, I was happy for and upset by those pregnancies.
In my logical mind, I knew those women had often been through hell and back with infertility and deserved those healthy pregnancies. But, I could never shake the feeling that it wasn't fair because it wasn't me. Now that I am one of those with a pregnancy announcement, it feels strange. Maybe I am so used to being on the other side, that I can't quite compute what it will mean if I do end up one of those lucky ones.
For tonight and tomorrow night, we sit in the nebulous place of not knowing. Maybe that isn't such a bad place to be. At least for this weekend, we can still believe in the 50/50 shot at a happy ending.
"So Hard" by the Dixie Chicks
I'll be 7 weeks then. There won't be any ambiguity - either we will see a heartbeat or we will know it is over.
It isn't any secret I've been in a bad place while we wait for that day. In the past, I've written about my scars and the ridges are definitely showing. We haven't been pregnant since 2010 and we know how that ended. I can tell KG has come to the end of his rope with trying to soothe me or make me feel more positively about the outcome this time. He isn't angry with me, but he's frustrated that he can't fix me right now. He can't make me assume the best.
I keep playing 2 different scenarios in my mind. The one that ends in joyous tears, and the one that ends in the other kind. If it isn't good news, how am I supposed to live through that again? I think back to the pain of those days and it just seems unimaginable that I could be forced to go through it for a second time. But, it happens. Unfortunately, when you are a part of this community, you are constantly reminded that it happens over and over again.
One decision I did make is this: if we do see a heartbeat on Monday, I'm making some changes. Although there is nothing I can do to avoid being scared between every ultrasound and chance to check on the baby, I refuse to waste my entire pregnancy feeling as petrified as I do right now. Somehow, I will force myself to try and enjoy this time, because I worked so damn hard to get here.
I have read several blog posts about the huge wave of BFPs lately in the blogosphere. They have had an undercurrent of pain in almost every one. It's understandable. I lived through several of those waves in the last 2 years, and they hurt me every time. Simultaneously, I was happy for and upset by those pregnancies.
In my logical mind, I knew those women had often been through hell and back with infertility and deserved those healthy pregnancies. But, I could never shake the feeling that it wasn't fair because it wasn't me. Now that I am one of those with a pregnancy announcement, it feels strange. Maybe I am so used to being on the other side, that I can't quite compute what it will mean if I do end up one of those lucky ones.
For tonight and tomorrow night, we sit in the nebulous place of not knowing. Maybe that isn't such a bad place to be. At least for this weekend, we can still believe in the 50/50 shot at a happy ending.
"So Hard" by the Dixie Chicks
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Top 10 Things I Wish I Could Make Myself Do
10. Go to the gym
9. Finish the novel I have been reading for 2 months
8. Stop Googling "pregnant no symptoms"
7. Not allow the stress of teaching to permeate every minute of my day
6. Resist the urge to call and move Monday's ultrasound to Friday
5. Cease begging SKB and other friends to talk me down off the ledge every day, when I am convinced this pregnancy will end in miscarriage
4. Eat some other food group besides carbs
3. Thoroughly clean my apartment
2. Absorb some of KG's ability to relax and go to a happy place
1. Start believing that this pregnancy will be a happy, healthy one, ending full term with a take-home baby
Big sigh.
9. Finish the novel I have been reading for 2 months
8. Stop Googling "pregnant no symptoms"
7. Not allow the stress of teaching to permeate every minute of my day
6. Resist the urge to call and move Monday's ultrasound to Friday
5. Cease begging SKB and other friends to talk me down off the ledge every day, when I am convinced this pregnancy will end in miscarriage
4. Eat some other food group besides carbs
3. Thoroughly clean my apartment
2. Absorb some of KG's ability to relax and go to a happy place
1. Start believing that this pregnancy will be a happy, healthy one, ending full term with a take-home baby
Big sigh.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
"Why can't you just be happy?"
I know I had good reasons for putting off the ultrasound until 7 weeks. I know I did.
What were they again?
This last week felt never ending. It really did. Although work is totally nuts (5 weeks of the school year left and literally over 20 events and deadlines in the meantime) time seemed to slow down enough to let me freak out about 5 times per day.
The thoughts in my head go something like this:
"I have no symptoms. I know this is another missed miscarriage."
"No, you have a hand picked embryo, high betas, and progesterone. Plus, your due date is New Year's Day! That's good luck! You're good."
"But, this has gone badly before. This will be the same."
"It's just too early. You are acting like a crazy person! Some people never get morning sickness."
"I wonder when I should schedule a baby shower in Los Angeles? I have a wedding to attend there in October."
"Don't think too far in the future, you'll jinx it. Don't blog about it, you'll jinx it. Don't be happy, you'll jinx it."
"You'll feel better when you see the heartbeat on the 14th."
"But what if you miscarry after that?"
You get the idea.
I have resorted to stupid, self soothing behavior. For example, I was in CVS looking for a Mother's Day card for my mom, and saw FRERs were on sale. It has been over a week since my betas, confirming I am pregnant. But there they wereon the shelf, three for $11.99 to boot.
Yeah, I bought some. Why?
Even if I did miscarry, I would still have a high enough hcg level right now to give me a BFP. But, it made me feel better for 2 minutes to see a fast, dark test line that came back darker than the control line.
This level of anxiety isn't good. It really isn't. But it feels out of my control, like a primal reaction. I can't seem to get attached, be happy, or focus on the positive. It's almost like an out of body experience. Without any symptoms or additional betas, I have nothing to latch onto. Nothing that makes me feel pregnant.
A friend who is waiting on the results of her recent IUI told me that because several people we know (along with myself) have gotten BFPs, that she feels like she is doomed for a BFN. Like there aren't enough BFPs to go around. I completely understand how she feels.
In the last two weeks, several bloggers (Unaffected, Belle, Miss Conception, Mrs. Rochester, Lanie - did I miss anyone?) have also announced BFPs along with me. I am thrilled for all of us. We all deserve to get our babies after battling infertility and loss for so long. But, that cynical part of my brain kicks in sometimes. Are there enough take-home babies for all of us to be successful?
I really, really hope so.
I also can't help but think of the bloggers whom I know and love that have not yet gotten their BFPs or had a recent loss. It hurts my heart to know my BFP caused them any pain. This blogging community is special, but complicated. I know how it is to feel happy for another blogger and yet to feel disconnected and distant from them at the same time, because the sameness of the shared journey shifted.
I'm really hoping that all of you stick with me anyway.
What were they again?
This last week felt never ending. It really did. Although work is totally nuts (5 weeks of the school year left and literally over 20 events and deadlines in the meantime) time seemed to slow down enough to let me freak out about 5 times per day.
The thoughts in my head go something like this:
"I have no symptoms. I know this is another missed miscarriage."
"No, you have a hand picked embryo, high betas, and progesterone. Plus, your due date is New Year's Day! That's good luck! You're good."
"But, this has gone badly before. This will be the same."
"It's just too early. You are acting like a crazy person! Some people never get morning sickness."
"I wonder when I should schedule a baby shower in Los Angeles? I have a wedding to attend there in October."
"Don't think too far in the future, you'll jinx it. Don't blog about it, you'll jinx it. Don't be happy, you'll jinx it."
"You'll feel better when you see the heartbeat on the 14th."
"But what if you miscarry after that?"
You get the idea.
I have resorted to stupid, self soothing behavior. For example, I was in CVS looking for a Mother's Day card for my mom, and saw FRERs were on sale. It has been over a week since my betas, confirming I am pregnant. But there they wereon the shelf, three for $11.99 to boot.
Yeah, I bought some. Why?
Even if I did miscarry, I would still have a high enough hcg level right now to give me a BFP. But, it made me feel better for 2 minutes to see a fast, dark test line that came back darker than the control line.
This level of anxiety isn't good. It really isn't. But it feels out of my control, like a primal reaction. I can't seem to get attached, be happy, or focus on the positive. It's almost like an out of body experience. Without any symptoms or additional betas, I have nothing to latch onto. Nothing that makes me feel pregnant.
A friend who is waiting on the results of her recent IUI told me that because several people we know (along with myself) have gotten BFPs, that she feels like she is doomed for a BFN. Like there aren't enough BFPs to go around. I completely understand how she feels.
In the last two weeks, several bloggers (Unaffected, Belle, Miss Conception, Mrs. Rochester, Lanie - did I miss anyone?) have also announced BFPs along with me. I am thrilled for all of us. We all deserve to get our babies after battling infertility and loss for so long. But, that cynical part of my brain kicks in sometimes. Are there enough take-home babies for all of us to be successful?
I really, really hope so.
I also can't help but think of the bloggers whom I know and love that have not yet gotten their BFPs or had a recent loss. It hurts my heart to know my BFP caused them any pain. This blogging community is special, but complicated. I know how it is to feel happy for another blogger and yet to feel disconnected and distant from them at the same time, because the sameness of the shared journey shifted.
I'm really hoping that all of you stick with me anyway.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Loving all the love
Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the love, encouragement, support, and general enthusiasm on my last post. I can feel all the positive energy you guys are sending to me and I can't tell you how much it helps. I am incredibly touched that so many people care about what happens to KG and I. Honestly, it never ceases to amaze me.
I just want to address one issue: we only transferred one embryo (Thanks, SKB!). I know the betas are high, but the nurses didn't even blink. Unless some crazy miracle took place, no twins!
Now, we are looking forward to the ultrasound. They first told me to come in next week, but I shocked them when I requested we wait a little while longer. Reason? When we went in for our first ultrasound in 2010, we went in at 6 weeks 2 days. When they couldn't find a heartbeat, they said, "Maybe it is too early. Let's wait a week and see if one develops." I swear to you, there has never been a longer, more painful week.
So, KG and I made the decision to request that we wait until 7 weeks, just to make 100% sure that we will see a heartbeat. No uncertainty this time, please. This is a double edged sword, giving myself yet another long wait, but worth it I think.
Anyway, that you all so much again for all the love coming our way.
I just want to address one issue: we only transferred one embryo (Thanks, SKB!). I know the betas are high, but the nurses didn't even blink. Unless some crazy miracle took place, no twins!
Now, we are looking forward to the ultrasound. They first told me to come in next week, but I shocked them when I requested we wait a little while longer. Reason? When we went in for our first ultrasound in 2010, we went in at 6 weeks 2 days. When they couldn't find a heartbeat, they said, "Maybe it is too early. Let's wait a week and see if one develops." I swear to you, there has never been a longer, more painful week.
So, KG and I made the decision to request that we wait until 7 weeks, just to make 100% sure that we will see a heartbeat. No uncertainty this time, please. This is a double edged sword, giving myself yet another long wait, but worth it I think.
Anyway, that you all so much again for all the love coming our way.
Monday, April 30, 2012
White Knuckles
This post contains very delicate information. If you know me in my non-blogosphere life, please don't share the information below. We will share as we feel ready.
This week, I felt shy about posting. Maybe it's because I'm extremely superstitious about "jinxing" during the two week wait. Maybe it's because I was trying so hard to distract myself from how crazy I was acting. Maybe I was too busy.
Nah.
I wasn't posting because I was ashamed. Consider this post a confession.
As some of you know, because of my PCOS, I never get natural periods anymore. Since my miscarriage in August 2010, I have had exactly one natural period. So, as you can imagine, KG and I have had very few actual two week waits in our experience with TTC. We've had a few weird Clomid cycles, a couple of failed IUIs, and one failed IVF before now. In all those cases, either my period came quickly (short luteal phase) or we had to cancel the cycle.
So, I've had a lot of time to forget what a real, long TWW is like. And boy this was a doozey. All the lessons I learned when we miscarried went out this window. I swore then that I would remember that early BFPs and good betas do not mean you end up with a baby, so I wouldn't torture myself in the future with POAS. I would be patient. I would just wait for things to happen in time.
However, a year and a half later, I forgot all of that. I hang my head in shame as I write this. Last week, I became a testing addict once again. I was out of control and spent more money than I care to admit.
No kidding - 15 tests between 7dp5dt and 12dp5dt (Friday).
Even worse, I tested using multiple brands, different times of day, and obsessively photographed them, saved them in a Ziplock bag in my bathroom, arranged them in specific ways to analyze them, blah blah blah.
Seriously, it was behavior that was completely beyond me. Some might shake their head and laugh, but until you have been in this position, you don't know how you'll react.
The good news: the reason I kept testing and testing is because I got BFPs all week.
The bad news: the darkness of the lines on the tests were highly variable by time of day, and scared the crap out of me. (I must be the only weirdo in the world who had darker FRER's (supposedly the most sensitive test) in the afternoon than with first morning urine. This issue deserves a whole separate post. Lesson learned? Internet cheapie tests are way more accurate for me.)
Although I was tempted to jump on the blog and post every picture of every positive test, something held me back. Despite seeing 2 lines on all of these tests, and seeing the word "Pregnant" on a digital test, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. If I said it publicly, maybe it would all disappear. Maybe I would get my period within hours of sharing. Maybe it would be my fault.
Then, Friday (12dp5dt) was beta day. I held out hope for a number around 100. I always get my blood drawn in the morning, and wait for an afternoon phone call. However, I checked my phone around lunch time, and saw I had a voicemail. I was shocked because it was so early, and my stomach was in knots because I didn't know if it was a good or a bad sign.
It was a good sign. The nurse enthusiastically said that our number was 859!
I sat at my desk, replaying the voicemail over and over to make sure I heard the number right. I even called her back, to ask her to repeat the number. I was so prepared for bad news, that I didn't know how to process good news.
Since the call, I've felt really stunned. Muted. Cautious. It really hasn't sunk in yet. How could something go right? KG is with me on this one. He's happy and optimistic, but we both have an undercurrent of white knuckles. Despite this, we did celebrate with a dinner out Friday night, and talked about the future. Superstitions be damned.
My mom has been emailing, encouraging me to see this as a totally new, separate experience from our first pregnancy. She says we should expect it to be a healthy, uneventful pregnancy, one that deserves to be enjoyed. I know she's right. I know we can't spend every day petrified and expecting the worst to happen. It's just so hard.
As I said to a fellow IFer the other day, "Once you've taken the pill and seen the Matrix, there's no going back."
But, unless something changes, I really am pregnant.
We went back in this morning to make sure my number is doubling. We got 3,247! Ultrasound in 2 weeks...
Please stick little one.
*********************
I'm sorry I disappeared. Blogging is a funny thing. I wrote about every intimate detail of this cycle, but when it came to the end of the cycle, I hesitated to put it out there. I've felt guilty about this for a few days. You all have
shown me so much support throughout this IVF cycle (and the other
cycles that have come before it), so it feels strange not to share what's
been going on. Additionally, this is my space. I use the blog to write about whatever feelings or issues I am dealing with. Nothing is a bigger issue for me right now than my efforts to be a mother. So, superstitiousness be damned. Here's what's been happening in the last 9 days.
*******************
This week, I felt shy about posting. Maybe it's because I'm extremely superstitious about "jinxing" during the two week wait. Maybe it's because I was trying so hard to distract myself from how crazy I was acting. Maybe I was too busy.
Nah.
I wasn't posting because I was ashamed. Consider this post a confession.
As some of you know, because of my PCOS, I never get natural periods anymore. Since my miscarriage in August 2010, I have had exactly one natural period. So, as you can imagine, KG and I have had very few actual two week waits in our experience with TTC. We've had a few weird Clomid cycles, a couple of failed IUIs, and one failed IVF before now. In all those cases, either my period came quickly (short luteal phase) or we had to cancel the cycle.
So, I've had a lot of time to forget what a real, long TWW is like. And boy this was a doozey. All the lessons I learned when we miscarried went out this window. I swore then that I would remember that early BFPs and good betas do not mean you end up with a baby, so I wouldn't torture myself in the future with POAS. I would be patient. I would just wait for things to happen in time.
However, a year and a half later, I forgot all of that. I hang my head in shame as I write this. Last week, I became a testing addict once again. I was out of control and spent more money than I care to admit.
No kidding - 15 tests between 7dp5dt and 12dp5dt (Friday).
Even worse, I tested using multiple brands, different times of day, and obsessively photographed them, saved them in a Ziplock bag in my bathroom, arranged them in specific ways to analyze them, blah blah blah.
Seriously, it was behavior that was completely beyond me. Some might shake their head and laugh, but until you have been in this position, you don't know how you'll react.
The good news: the reason I kept testing and testing is because I got BFPs all week.
The bad news: the darkness of the lines on the tests were highly variable by time of day, and scared the crap out of me. (I must be the only weirdo in the world who had darker FRER's (supposedly the most sensitive test) in the afternoon than with first morning urine. This issue deserves a whole separate post. Lesson learned? Internet cheapie tests are way more accurate for me.)
Although I was tempted to jump on the blog and post every picture of every positive test, something held me back. Despite seeing 2 lines on all of these tests, and seeing the word "Pregnant" on a digital test, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. If I said it publicly, maybe it would all disappear. Maybe I would get my period within hours of sharing. Maybe it would be my fault.
Then, Friday (12dp5dt) was beta day. I held out hope for a number around 100. I always get my blood drawn in the morning, and wait for an afternoon phone call. However, I checked my phone around lunch time, and saw I had a voicemail. I was shocked because it was so early, and my stomach was in knots because I didn't know if it was a good or a bad sign.
It was a good sign. The nurse enthusiastically said that our number was 859!
I sat at my desk, replaying the voicemail over and over to make sure I heard the number right. I even called her back, to ask her to repeat the number. I was so prepared for bad news, that I didn't know how to process good news.
Since the call, I've felt really stunned. Muted. Cautious. It really hasn't sunk in yet. How could something go right? KG is with me on this one. He's happy and optimistic, but we both have an undercurrent of white knuckles. Despite this, we did celebrate with a dinner out Friday night, and talked about the future. Superstitions be damned.
My mom has been emailing, encouraging me to see this as a totally new, separate experience from our first pregnancy. She says we should expect it to be a healthy, uneventful pregnancy, one that deserves to be enjoyed. I know she's right. I know we can't spend every day petrified and expecting the worst to happen. It's just so hard.
As I said to a fellow IFer the other day, "Once you've taken the pill and seen the Matrix, there's no going back."
But, unless something changes, I really am pregnant.
We went back in this morning to make sure my number is doubling. We got 3,247! Ultrasound in 2 weeks...
Please stick little one.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
I'm here...
...trying to expose only a few people to the level of crazy that is happening in my head this week.
Trust me, you'd thank me if you knew.
The RE's office wouldn't let me come in early to do the beta, so I am still waiting until Friday to see what's what.
Let's just say, the Fabulousness household should have rubber walls right now. I'll post more about the details of this week in a few days. Seriously, I forgot what the effect of the TWW is like, because I really haven't had the opportunity to have a true TWW in a very, very long time.
Oh, and so much for how well PIO shots were going. The shots have now created MAJOR knots at my injection sites. Not only are they painful, they freak me out a little. Yes, I am using heat and massage, but it looks like I'm just lucky that way. I mentioned the pain to my acupuncturist, who quickly fit me in today. That woman worked some magic, because they are quite a bit smaller this evening than they were this morning. This is the closest I've ever come to being able to "prove" the value of the money I'm spending on treatment.
Only another day and a half to go.
By the way, a big, big congrats to Belle on her BFP. Congrats lady!
Now, back to the Bruins playoffs.
Trust me, you'd thank me if you knew.
The RE's office wouldn't let me come in early to do the beta, so I am still waiting until Friday to see what's what.
Let's just say, the Fabulousness household should have rubber walls right now. I'll post more about the details of this week in a few days. Seriously, I forgot what the effect of the TWW is like, because I really haven't had the opportunity to have a true TWW in a very, very long time.
Oh, and so much for how well PIO shots were going. The shots have now created MAJOR knots at my injection sites. Not only are they painful, they freak me out a little. Yes, I am using heat and massage, but it looks like I'm just lucky that way. I mentioned the pain to my acupuncturist, who quickly fit me in today. That woman worked some magic, because they are quite a bit smaller this evening than they were this morning. This is the closest I've ever come to being able to "prove" the value of the money I'm spending on treatment.
Only another day and a half to go.
By the way, a big, big congrats to Belle on her BFP. Congrats lady!
Now, back to the Bruins playoffs.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Don't Ignore The Woman Underneath the Label/NIAW
RESOLVE and RESOLVE New England are sponsoring National Infertility Awareness Week between April 22-28th. This week has been on my mind for some time. Infertility has become such an ingrained part of who I am, and there is such misunderstanding, ignorance, and silence around the topic. I really feel like the only way to give infertility the understanding and attention it deserves is for the women affected by it to own it - to publicly say, "This is a disease that affects millions of women - probably your friends, family members, and co-workers included. It affects women like me."
RESOLVE challenged bloggers to write on the topic, "Don't ignore..." as it relates to their infertility journey, for NIAW. For me, this was the first thing that came to mind.
Don't ignore the woman underneath the label of "infertile."
Although I was diagnosed infertile in January of 2011, after a year of trying and a miscarriage, it took me a long time before that word really sank in. As it became more real for me, I became overwhelmed by the word itself. For a while, I obsessively researched my own issue (PCOS) and tried every possible "cure" to escape the weight of the label. It began to define me. It occupied my every thought, feeling, and activity. It took a while before I was able to get through an hour, evening, or day without being consumed by everything related to infertility. How could there be room for anything but charts, thermometers, and ovulation tests? Where was there room for me - my real self that existed before trying to have a baby?
If I could go back in time and tell myself (or any other women going through this experience) one thing, it would be this: don't lose sight of the person you are beyond the label. Underneath the diagnosis, you are a warm, breathing, person with so much at stake. Don't ignore the part of yourself that needs nurturing while in a crisis. Don't isolate, torture, or neglect yourself. Fight against the crushing anxiety, sadness, and feelings of failure that are so common among us. Fight against all of those who believe infertility treatment to be an easy choice. This is a marathon, not a sprint. You must conserve your strength for the obstacles to come.
Instead, seek support. Talk to people. Pursue your hobbies. Spend quality time with your spouse. Seek out a promotion at work. Spark your interest in something new. Read good books. See funny movies. Do whatever keeps you present in your own life.
It is the hardest thing in the world to do these things, but consider this:
If you don't care for the woman peeking out from under the label, what will be left when your TTC journey is over?
For more information:
http://www.resolve.org/infertility101
http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html
RESOLVE challenged bloggers to write on the topic, "Don't ignore..." as it relates to their infertility journey, for NIAW. For me, this was the first thing that came to mind.
Don't ignore the woman underneath the label of "infertile."
Although I was diagnosed infertile in January of 2011, after a year of trying and a miscarriage, it took me a long time before that word really sank in. As it became more real for me, I became overwhelmed by the word itself. For a while, I obsessively researched my own issue (PCOS) and tried every possible "cure" to escape the weight of the label. It began to define me. It occupied my every thought, feeling, and activity. It took a while before I was able to get through an hour, evening, or day without being consumed by everything related to infertility. How could there be room for anything but charts, thermometers, and ovulation tests? Where was there room for me - my real self that existed before trying to have a baby?
If I could go back in time and tell myself (or any other women going through this experience) one thing, it would be this: don't lose sight of the person you are beyond the label. Underneath the diagnosis, you are a warm, breathing, person with so much at stake. Don't ignore the part of yourself that needs nurturing while in a crisis. Don't isolate, torture, or neglect yourself. Fight against the crushing anxiety, sadness, and feelings of failure that are so common among us. Fight against all of those who believe infertility treatment to be an easy choice. This is a marathon, not a sprint. You must conserve your strength for the obstacles to come.
Instead, seek support. Talk to people. Pursue your hobbies. Spend quality time with your spouse. Seek out a promotion at work. Spark your interest in something new. Read good books. See funny movies. Do whatever keeps you present in your own life.
It is the hardest thing in the world to do these things, but consider this:
If you don't care for the woman peeking out from under the label, what will be left when your TTC journey is over?
For more information:
http://www.resolve.org/infertility101
http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html
Saturday, April 21, 2012
In case you were wondering, I also like to torture myself
Why, oh why, do I engage in self-defeating behavior?
Last night, I had a vivid dream about a BFP. I woke up from the dream at about 6:30am and couldn't go back to sleep because I thought it was a sign I should test at 6dp5dt. 6 days. Really, really early. The half-asleep optimistic part of my brain convinced the more logical part of my brain that this was a great idea. I proceeded to get out of bed and POAS.
Results? No shocker. Stark white BFN on a FRER. My chin then dropped to my chest and positivity went in the trash with the test. When KG woke up, I sheepishly confessed my sin and he just shook his head. Was he surprised I did this? Not. One. Bit.
I can't believe I did this to myself. I have one FRER left and a bunch of Wondfos and I feel like someone should remove them from my house. Clearly, I can't be trusted.
So, today KG and I have decided to get out of house and go downtown, near the site of our wedding to the Boston Aquarium. Outside the aquarium, they have a huge seal tank. Every time we feel sad, this is where we head to perk up our spirits. It never fails.
On that note, I leave you with the Alabama Shakes, "Hold On."
Last night, I had a vivid dream about a BFP. I woke up from the dream at about 6:30am and couldn't go back to sleep because I thought it was a sign I should test at 6dp5dt. 6 days. Really, really early. The half-asleep optimistic part of my brain convinced the more logical part of my brain that this was a great idea. I proceeded to get out of bed and POAS.
Results? No shocker. Stark white BFN on a FRER. My chin then dropped to my chest and positivity went in the trash with the test. When KG woke up, I sheepishly confessed my sin and he just shook his head. Was he surprised I did this? Not. One. Bit.
I can't believe I did this to myself. I have one FRER left and a bunch of Wondfos and I feel like someone should remove them from my house. Clearly, I can't be trusted.
So, today KG and I have decided to get out of house and go downtown, near the site of our wedding to the Boston Aquarium. Outside the aquarium, they have a huge seal tank. Every time we feel sad, this is where we head to perk up our spirits. It never fails.
On that note, I leave you with the Alabama Shakes, "Hold On."
Thursday, April 19, 2012
In case you were wondering, I have no patience
It is a bullet kind of day.
• Someone said to me this week that, because I did IVF, this wasn't a "real two week wait." I beg to differ. This one is worse than any other I've had.
• I believe my clinic is being especially cruel making me wait until the 27th for my beta.
• While I am trying not to obsess on every single sensation in my body right now, it is almost harder not to obsess on the lack of anything significant going on in my body.
• I started my Vivelle dots today.
• We found out the lab froze 6 embryos! We are thrilled we got so many, especially considering the outcome of IVF#1.
And now for a non-bullet. I'm wondering what you guys think of something that has been on my mind.
I keep reading about all of these amazing ritual type things some cycle buddies are doing during their TWW - things like meditation, conversations with the embies, visualization, etc. Those are amazing, positive things.
But...am I a bad person because other than not drinking alcohol or caffeine, eating good food, and taking it easy, I am doing nothing related to this embryo?
I have been thinking about this the last few days. Other than getting acupuncture a few days before and one day after transfer, DH giving my belly a kiss each day, and reiterating to each other how much we hope this works, I am finding it more comfortable to maintain some kind of emotional distance from the fact that I am technically PUPO. Don't get me wrong, I am trying hard to be positive and hopeful. But, for me, it just feels safer to not start seeing this as a real pregnancy until it feels safe to do so. Does that make sense? I'm feeling kind of guilty.
Who am I kidding? I won't feel "safe" about any pregnancy until I have a screaming baby in my arms.
• Someone said to me this week that, because I did IVF, this wasn't a "real two week wait." I beg to differ. This one is worse than any other I've had.
• I believe my clinic is being especially cruel making me wait until the 27th for my beta.
• While I am trying not to obsess on every single sensation in my body right now, it is almost harder not to obsess on the lack of anything significant going on in my body.
• I started my Vivelle dots today.
• We found out the lab froze 6 embryos! We are thrilled we got so many, especially considering the outcome of IVF#1.
And now for a non-bullet. I'm wondering what you guys think of something that has been on my mind.
I keep reading about all of these amazing ritual type things some cycle buddies are doing during their TWW - things like meditation, conversations with the embies, visualization, etc. Those are amazing, positive things.
But...am I a bad person because other than not drinking alcohol or caffeine, eating good food, and taking it easy, I am doing nothing related to this embryo?
I have been thinking about this the last few days. Other than getting acupuncture a few days before and one day after transfer, DH giving my belly a kiss each day, and reiterating to each other how much we hope this works, I am finding it more comfortable to maintain some kind of emotional distance from the fact that I am technically PUPO. Don't get me wrong, I am trying hard to be positive and hopeful. But, for me, it just feels safer to not start seeing this as a real pregnancy until it feels safe to do so. Does that make sense? I'm feeling kind of guilty.
Who am I kidding? I won't feel "safe" about any pregnancy until I have a screaming baby in my arms.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
"Couldn't be more perfect."
Better news? We have at least 3 to freeze, maybe more over the next day or two. They do grade embryos but I didn't ask for all the letters and numbers. I just went with the emphatic, "Everything looks perfect," that was said to us several times about embryos, my lining, and ease of transfer.
Then came the waterworks. I was so relieved that I cried, right there on the table and in the recovery room. This was the first really good thing that has happened TTC-wise since July of 2010, when we found out we were pregnant. I just couldn't help myself.
We celebrated with burritos and ice cream. Now to enjoy my Valium haze.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for the constant love and support. You have no idea the difference it makes. This is going to be a long two weeks until the beta, so I'll need you all to stick with me.
Scar Tissue
I have a lot of tattoos. I started young and have accumulated 9 of them, although I wish it was more. Each one of them, for better or for worse, reminds me of a different time in my life. Some of them are beautiful. Some of them I can't believe I actually chose to put on my body. Some I have covered with new ink, and some I want to elaborate on. People who don't love tattoos don't understand why I would subject myself to intense physical pain to put a permanent mark on my body. They don't see the payoff. They have a point - technically, tattoos are scars. Occasionally, when I am in the shower or scratching an itch, I run my fingers over my tattoos, and can often feel tiny ridges of scar tissue. But mostly, when I look at my tattoos, I see the pretty and not the ugly ridges underneath.
KG has had a couple of minor surgeries to remove basal cell and suspected basal cell spots. Some scars are bigger than others, but the one on his face is barely perceptible. This tiny line that marks the spot of something that was harmful that is now gone. But, the one on his belly is considerable. It wasn't as carefully done, so it kept a purple color and rough edges. The scars are different shapes and sizes, all garnered with considerable pain. But, when I look at KG's scars, I am more grateful that they removed the cancerous cells than I am upset about them leaving such a mark.
Unfortunately, KG and I have accumulated a lot of new scars over the last couple of years. These are the kind that don't show on the surface. These scars become visible at specific times. Years of frustration, pain, sadness, and disillusionment caused the ridges to build. They have built up so much that we can't see past them. Over the last week, KG remarked to me that we are more prepared for bad news than good news. Every time the phone rang with excellent news of the retrieval, embryo reports, and the transfer date, our hearts were in our throats. We were certain the news would be bad. We knew we were going to be disappointed again. Scars.
In a few hours, we have our embryo transfer. Once again, I am up before 7am, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Scars.
Do scars ever really disappear? Or do they just become less and less noticeable with time?
We are hoping one of these days we can focus on the pretty and stop running our fingers on the ridges.
KG has had a couple of minor surgeries to remove basal cell and suspected basal cell spots. Some scars are bigger than others, but the one on his face is barely perceptible. This tiny line that marks the spot of something that was harmful that is now gone. But, the one on his belly is considerable. It wasn't as carefully done, so it kept a purple color and rough edges. The scars are different shapes and sizes, all garnered with considerable pain. But, when I look at KG's scars, I am more grateful that they removed the cancerous cells than I am upset about them leaving such a mark.
Unfortunately, KG and I have accumulated a lot of new scars over the last couple of years. These are the kind that don't show on the surface. These scars become visible at specific times. Years of frustration, pain, sadness, and disillusionment caused the ridges to build. They have built up so much that we can't see past them. Over the last week, KG remarked to me that we are more prepared for bad news than good news. Every time the phone rang with excellent news of the retrieval, embryo reports, and the transfer date, our hearts were in our throats. We were certain the news would be bad. We knew we were going to be disappointed again. Scars.
In a few hours, we have our embryo transfer. Once again, I am up before 7am, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Scars.
Do scars ever really disappear? Or do they just become less and less noticeable with time?
We are hoping one of these days we can focus on the pretty and stop running our fingers on the ridges.
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