10. Go to the gym
9. Finish the novel I have been reading for 2 months
8. Stop Googling "pregnant no symptoms"
7. Not allow the stress of teaching to permeate every minute of my day
6. Resist the urge to call and move Monday's ultrasound to Friday
5. Cease begging SKB and other friends to talk me down off the ledge every day, when I am convinced this pregnancy will end in miscarriage
4. Eat some other food group besides carbs
3. Thoroughly clean my apartment
2. Absorb some of KG's ability to relax and go to a happy place
1. Start believing that this pregnancy will be a happy, healthy one, ending full term with a take-home baby
Big sigh.
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Anyone interested in an IVF update?
If you aren't into numbers and nitty-gritty, feel free to skip this post. Sometimes I like analyzing numbers, so you'll have to indulge me.
So last cycle, My med protocol looked like this:
BCP for weeks and weeks
Lupron (10iu to start, then 5iu when stims started)
75iu of Menopur and 150iu of Gonal-F for the first 3 days of stimming
150iu of Menopur and 150iu of Gonal-F for the next 7 days
Pregnyl trigger
23 eggs retrieved, 19 mature
That cycle, my estrogen looked like this:
15 (4th day of stims), 187, 404, 1,085, 1,940 (triggered that night) - 11 days of stims
This cycle, the protocol was nearly identical, except for one thing: she started me at 150/150 of Menopur and Gonal-F right off the bat. As a result, my estrogen rose a bit more quickly.
Here have been my estrogen numbers since Monday:
Mon (4th day of stims): 40, 254, 684, today: 1608
Follicle count: 14 on the right, 4 on the left
Largest follicle today: 16mm
The nurse told me to stop Gonal F tonight (but still do 150u of Menopur - fun!). She thinks tonight will be the last night of stims, trigger tomorrow, and retrieval on Tuesday.
We are nearing the finish line.
So, I'm considering taking off both the day of retrieval and the day after. I have 2 reasons:
1. I was in a lot of pain last time. Seriously, I was not prepared to be in that much pain.
2. If our results are similar to last time, I really, really don't want to have to take that call with children all around me. That was so, so awful in January.
Last thought: Please God, let the ICSI work.
I'm curious for the experts to answer this question: With numbers rising this quickly, how worried should I be about OHSS? I mean, they are reducing my stims tonight, but I went from 684 to 1608 in 24 hours....
Fitting, for the end of a cycle.
So last cycle, My med protocol looked like this:
BCP for weeks and weeks
Lupron (10iu to start, then 5iu when stims started)
75iu of Menopur and 150iu of Gonal-F for the first 3 days of stimming
150iu of Menopur and 150iu of Gonal-F for the next 7 days
Pregnyl trigger
23 eggs retrieved, 19 mature
That cycle, my estrogen looked like this:
15 (4th day of stims), 187, 404, 1,085, 1,940 (triggered that night) - 11 days of stims
This cycle, the protocol was nearly identical, except for one thing: she started me at 150/150 of Menopur and Gonal-F right off the bat. As a result, my estrogen rose a bit more quickly.
Here have been my estrogen numbers since Monday:
Mon (4th day of stims): 40, 254, 684, today: 1608
Follicle count: 14 on the right, 4 on the left
Largest follicle today: 16mm
The nurse told me to stop Gonal F tonight (but still do 150u of Menopur - fun!). She thinks tonight will be the last night of stims, trigger tomorrow, and retrieval on Tuesday.
We are nearing the finish line.
So, I'm considering taking off both the day of retrieval and the day after. I have 2 reasons:
1. I was in a lot of pain last time. Seriously, I was not prepared to be in that much pain.
2. If our results are similar to last time, I really, really don't want to have to take that call with children all around me. That was so, so awful in January.
Last thought: Please God, let the ICSI work.
I'm curious for the experts to answer this question: With numbers rising this quickly, how worried should I be about OHSS? I mean, they are reducing my stims tonight, but I went from 684 to 1608 in 24 hours....
Fitting, for the end of a cycle.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Back to the Grind
Any teachers out there?
If so, you know how it goes when you return to school after winter break. Any hopes I had of slowly readjusting were dashed within a few minutes of the kids walking in the room! My teaching partner and I quickly got overwhelmed as we looked at our plan books and realized that we needed to quickly plan in a ton of assessments for upcoming progress reports and get several major curriculum projects kicked off. To those not in the classroom, this may sound like minor issues. But, when the tasks involve 26 children, it is daunting.
You know those progress reports I mentioned? I teach in a private school, so those progress reports involve very long narratives, bulleted strengths and goals in every subject, and checklists of skills. Altogether, I write between 12,000-15,000 words when all is said and done. The parents are paying major bucks for tuition, so they expect lengthy and detailed information on their kids. Although I feel like writing the reports is a major strength of mine, it takes at least five days of writing, spending 5-6 hours at a time at my laptop, on top of the prep time to review my notes and samples of their work. Not to mention correcting new work as it comes in.
All of this, on top of actually teaching my classes, tutoring, and doing normal administrative duties.
Needless to say, even in my seventh year of teaching, I get really stressed in January.
I suggested to my dad that he buy me a massage, to alleviate said stress. He agreed! I go in at noon for a 90 minute massage.
I. Can't. Wait.
Needless to say, my blog might be neglected over the next 10 days or so.
___________________________________
So, in IVF #1 news - here is the latest:
• His Royal Fabulousness (aka KG, because I am lazy) and I met with my RE's nurse for a lesson in all my meds. It was really helpful to watch her mix meds and such in front of us. She commented on what a relaxed, non-squeamish guy he is, and I had to agree. I don't know what I would do without him giving me these shots.
• I start Lupron tomorrow morning. On days I am home, KG will do the shots. On school days, my school nurse will do them. She has three sons from IVF herself! I stay on Lupron through the last several days of BCP (last pill on Jan. 12th) and then get a period while on Lupron.
• On Jan. 17th, I have a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork scheduled, then I start Gonal-F and Menopur the next day. I wish I had asked why I can't do an ultrasound now, to make sure the cysts are gone, before I start Lupron. Anyone know the answer to why they have me start Lupron first?
• I do stims and Lupron until my hcg trigger (aka BIG ASS NEEDLE #1).
• Egg retrieval is the day after, with embryo transfer either 3 or 5 days later, depending on how the little suckers fertilize. Can't wait for transfer. Transfer = valium.
• Fun progesterone in oil (PIO) injections start after transfer, along with estrogen patches, antibiotics, steroids, and other fun stuff.
__________________________________________
KG said the sweetest thing the afternoon of our meds lesson. In the most earnest way, he thanked me for being willing to go through all of this to make our baby. I'm telling you, that boy melts my heart sometimes. You should have heard the sweetness in his voice.
Now, if that sweetness could include him giving up alcohol with me this cycle, THAT would be something.
So, although I am not excited, I am feeling like it is time to get this show on the road. I'm as ready as I will ever be.
If so, you know how it goes when you return to school after winter break. Any hopes I had of slowly readjusting were dashed within a few minutes of the kids walking in the room! My teaching partner and I quickly got overwhelmed as we looked at our plan books and realized that we needed to quickly plan in a ton of assessments for upcoming progress reports and get several major curriculum projects kicked off. To those not in the classroom, this may sound like minor issues. But, when the tasks involve 26 children, it is daunting.
You know those progress reports I mentioned? I teach in a private school, so those progress reports involve very long narratives, bulleted strengths and goals in every subject, and checklists of skills. Altogether, I write between 12,000-15,000 words when all is said and done. The parents are paying major bucks for tuition, so they expect lengthy and detailed information on their kids. Although I feel like writing the reports is a major strength of mine, it takes at least five days of writing, spending 5-6 hours at a time at my laptop, on top of the prep time to review my notes and samples of their work. Not to mention correcting new work as it comes in.
All of this, on top of actually teaching my classes, tutoring, and doing normal administrative duties.
Needless to say, even in my seventh year of teaching, I get really stressed in January.
I suggested to my dad that he buy me a massage, to alleviate said stress. He agreed! I go in at noon for a 90 minute massage.
I. Can't. Wait.
Needless to say, my blog might be neglected over the next 10 days or so.
___________________________________
So, in IVF #1 news - here is the latest:
• His Royal Fabulousness (aka KG, because I am lazy) and I met with my RE's nurse for a lesson in all my meds. It was really helpful to watch her mix meds and such in front of us. She commented on what a relaxed, non-squeamish guy he is, and I had to agree. I don't know what I would do without him giving me these shots.
• I start Lupron tomorrow morning. On days I am home, KG will do the shots. On school days, my school nurse will do them. She has three sons from IVF herself! I stay on Lupron through the last several days of BCP (last pill on Jan. 12th) and then get a period while on Lupron.
• On Jan. 17th, I have a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork scheduled, then I start Gonal-F and Menopur the next day. I wish I had asked why I can't do an ultrasound now, to make sure the cysts are gone, before I start Lupron. Anyone know the answer to why they have me start Lupron first?
• I do stims and Lupron until my hcg trigger (aka BIG ASS NEEDLE #1).
• Egg retrieval is the day after, with embryo transfer either 3 or 5 days later, depending on how the little suckers fertilize. Can't wait for transfer. Transfer = valium.
• Fun progesterone in oil (PIO) injections start after transfer, along with estrogen patches, antibiotics, steroids, and other fun stuff.
__________________________________________
KG said the sweetest thing the afternoon of our meds lesson. In the most earnest way, he thanked me for being willing to go through all of this to make our baby. I'm telling you, that boy melts my heart sometimes. You should have heard the sweetness in his voice.
Now, if that sweetness could include him giving up alcohol with me this cycle, THAT would be something.
So, although I am not excited, I am feeling like it is time to get this show on the road. I'm as ready as I will ever be.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
The curse of knowledge
I have never had more pure fascination with those who subscribe to the "Let go, Let God" way of life. How is it possible? How do they put their fate in the hands of something unknown, and unseen? I have a hard enough time trusting real, breathing people wearing lab coats and name tags.
There is a point when you know too much. I think I have hit that point with infertility. This past week was IUI #2 and I am once again thrown into a cycle of insecurity, fear, and doubt, with just a touch of hope. I wish it was different. I wish I could blindly trust every medical decision made and every medication injected.
This comes down to a tension between old school methods of tracking fertility (I learned from the fertility bible, Taking Charge of Your Fertility) and the perspective of modern, western medicine. The old school way includes tracking your basal body temperature, cervical fluid, cervical position, and symptoms (in addition, I usually chart OPK results, medication, exercise, acupuncture, ultrasounds, blood work, etc.) in order to predict and confirm ovulation. I have done this since January 2010 and it has been very helpful for me to see patterns in my cycles (short luteal phase) and to figure out my long periods of anovulation. Plus, as I have stated before, I am a message board junkie and constantly read forum posts from women who also chart and are in infertility treatment. I feel like there is a lot to be learned from the real experience of these women, even if they don't have MDs.
However, doctors tend to poo-poo charting as "antiquated," despite the practice being around for at least 50 years. I'm sure we all know how they feel about internet medical educations as well. They put their trust in the medication and lab tests, which does have it's merits. On the other hand, charting is trusted by women from all over the world and both of my acupuncturists have encouraged me to continue. It can be an addictive practice though, and for me, can become too obsessive.
Right now, for example, I am charting through this medicated cycle, despite knowing that the medications can throw off my normal (or, let's be honest, abnormal) patterns. So, my chart is causing me a lot of stress. Basically, it boils down to the fact that ovulation usually looks a certain way on my charts, and this cycle (and the last IUI cycle) my chart isn't showing a clear indication of ovulation. It scares the piss out of me, which in turn, makes me call my RE's office with a lot of questions. Again, it all comes down to the fact that I have read such an overload of information, that sometimes conflicts with the protocols the doctor has in place. Subsequently, I get a lot of condescending and impatient tones on the phone from the nurses answering my questions. I don't mean to be a pain in the ass. I just feel like I have been failed by so many medical professionals before (not necessarily this one) that I fiercely advocate for myself. But their message is, "We know what we are doing."
I was talking to a good friend, who we shall refer to as Armchair RE, about the level of stress the chart and my back and forth with the doctor has been causing me. This poor friend (who is currently very pregnant with a healthy baby, via IVF) has had to put up with A LOT of questions from me and she provides a ton of support, sharing her vast wealth of knowledge constantly. Having been through the ringer of infertility treatments, she really gets what I am feeling. We came to the conclusion that I need to stop charting during these cycles, because it is driving me crazy, more than giving me new information.
One way or another, I have to figure out ways to relax and "trust in the science" as Armchair RE says. Another friend, whom we shall refer to as Yogi Mama, also recommended some meditations on fertility and motherhood. Maybe getting back to the gym (which I haven't done in 2 months) would be a good idea as well. Seriously though, Hubby and I have done all we can do this cycle, and that needs to be enough for me.
There is a point when you know too much. I think I have hit that point with infertility. This past week was IUI #2 and I am once again thrown into a cycle of insecurity, fear, and doubt, with just a touch of hope. I wish it was different. I wish I could blindly trust every medical decision made and every medication injected.
This comes down to a tension between old school methods of tracking fertility (I learned from the fertility bible, Taking Charge of Your Fertility) and the perspective of modern, western medicine. The old school way includes tracking your basal body temperature, cervical fluid, cervical position, and symptoms (in addition, I usually chart OPK results, medication, exercise, acupuncture, ultrasounds, blood work, etc.) in order to predict and confirm ovulation. I have done this since January 2010 and it has been very helpful for me to see patterns in my cycles (short luteal phase) and to figure out my long periods of anovulation. Plus, as I have stated before, I am a message board junkie and constantly read forum posts from women who also chart and are in infertility treatment. I feel like there is a lot to be learned from the real experience of these women, even if they don't have MDs.
However, doctors tend to poo-poo charting as "antiquated," despite the practice being around for at least 50 years. I'm sure we all know how they feel about internet medical educations as well. They put their trust in the medication and lab tests, which does have it's merits. On the other hand, charting is trusted by women from all over the world and both of my acupuncturists have encouraged me to continue. It can be an addictive practice though, and for me, can become too obsessive.
Right now, for example, I am charting through this medicated cycle, despite knowing that the medications can throw off my normal (or, let's be honest, abnormal) patterns. So, my chart is causing me a lot of stress. Basically, it boils down to the fact that ovulation usually looks a certain way on my charts, and this cycle (and the last IUI cycle) my chart isn't showing a clear indication of ovulation. It scares the piss out of me, which in turn, makes me call my RE's office with a lot of questions. Again, it all comes down to the fact that I have read such an overload of information, that sometimes conflicts with the protocols the doctor has in place. Subsequently, I get a lot of condescending and impatient tones on the phone from the nurses answering my questions. I don't mean to be a pain in the ass. I just feel like I have been failed by so many medical professionals before (not necessarily this one) that I fiercely advocate for myself. But their message is, "We know what we are doing."
I was talking to a good friend, who we shall refer to as Armchair RE, about the level of stress the chart and my back and forth with the doctor has been causing me. This poor friend (who is currently very pregnant with a healthy baby, via IVF) has had to put up with A LOT of questions from me and she provides a ton of support, sharing her vast wealth of knowledge constantly. Having been through the ringer of infertility treatments, she really gets what I am feeling. We came to the conclusion that I need to stop charting during these cycles, because it is driving me crazy, more than giving me new information.
One way or another, I have to figure out ways to relax and "trust in the science" as Armchair RE says. Another friend, whom we shall refer to as Yogi Mama, also recommended some meditations on fertility and motherhood. Maybe getting back to the gym (which I haven't done in 2 months) would be a good idea as well. Seriously though, Hubby and I have done all we can do this cycle, and that needs to be enough for me.
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