"Couldn't be more perfect."

This is the single, perfect embryo we transferred today. The whole staff was really enthusiastic with how great it looked. To me, it looks somewhat like the moon, but what do I know?

Better news? We have at least 3 to freeze, maybe more over the next day or two. They do grade embryos but I didn't ask for all the letters and numbers. I just went with the emphatic, "Everything looks perfect," that was said to us several times about embryos, my lining, and ease of transfer.

Then came the waterworks. I was so relieved that I cried, right there on the table and in the recovery room. This was the first really good thing that has happened TTC-wise since July of 2010, when we found out we were pregnant. I just couldn't help myself.

We celebrated with burritos and ice cream. Now to enjoy my Valium haze.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for the constant love and support. You have no idea the difference it makes. This is going to be a long two weeks until the beta, so I'll need you all to stick with me.

Scar Tissue

I have a lot of tattoos. I started young and have accumulated 9 of them, although I wish it was more. Each one of them, for better or for worse, reminds me of a different time in my life. Some of them are beautiful. Some of them I can't believe I actually chose to put on my body. Some I have covered with new ink, and some I want to elaborate on. People who don't love tattoos don't understand why I would subject myself to intense physical pain to put a permanent mark on my body. They don't see the payoff. They have a point - technically, tattoos are scars. Occasionally, when I am in the shower or scratching an itch, I run my fingers over my tattoos, and can often feel tiny ridges of scar tissue. But mostly, when I look at my tattoos, I see the pretty and not the ugly ridges underneath.

KG has had a couple of minor surgeries to remove basal cell and suspected basal cell spots. Some scars are bigger than others, but the one on his face is barely perceptible. This tiny line that marks the spot of something that was harmful that is now gone. But, the one on his belly is considerable. It wasn't as carefully done, so it kept a purple color and rough edges. The scars are different shapes and sizes, all garnered with considerable pain. But, when I look at KG's scars, I am more grateful that they removed the cancerous cells than I am upset about them leaving such a mark.

Unfortunately, KG and I have accumulated a lot of new scars over the last couple of years. These are the kind that don't show on the surface. These scars become visible at specific times. Years of frustration, pain, sadness, and disillusionment caused the ridges to build. They have built up so much that we can't see past them. Over the last week, KG remarked to me that we are more prepared for bad news than good news. Every time the phone rang with excellent news of the retrieval, embryo reports, and the transfer date, our hearts were in our throats. We were certain the news would be bad. We knew we were going to be disappointed again. Scars.

In a few hours, we have our embryo transfer. Once again, I am up before 7am, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Scars.

Do scars ever really disappear? Or do they just become less and less noticeable with time?

We are hoping one of these days we can focus on the pretty and stop running our fingers on the ridges.

Random IVF questions for my bloggie buddies

Since I have never made it to transfer before, you'll have to excuse all these really practical, boring, detail oriented posts I've had going on the last few days. This one is no exception! :)

Could IVF veterans answer these for me please?

1. When we do the PIO shots (KG is a pro - these haven't been bad for me), I get a little bit of oil that leaks out...are we doing something wrong?
2. Do I really need to drink 32 ounces of water for transfer? Would 20 do? I'm afraid I'll burst before the procedure!
3. How many of you transferred 1 embryo? The doctor is emphatic that if we have any to freeze, we should only transfer 1. This makes sense to me because I am not prepared for twins at all and multiples carry a higher risk of preterm labor. But, as many of you know, it is a difficult choice.
_________________________________
As of today, 15 of our embies are 6-8 cell, and "perfect" according to my doctor. This is exceptionally great news.

So, why am I still so scared something bad will happen?

Sunday!

I got the call this morning that we will transfer on Sunday. When I asked how my embies were doing the nurse said almost all of them were great and that, "You sure have a lot of them!"

So excited!