"Why can't you just be happy?"

I know I had good reasons for putting off the ultrasound until 7 weeks. I know I did.

What were they again?

This last week felt never ending. It really did. Although work is totally nuts (5 weeks of the school year left and literally over 20 events and deadlines in the meantime) time seemed to slow down enough to let me freak out about 5 times per day.

The thoughts in my head go something like this:
"I have no symptoms. I know this is another missed miscarriage."
"No, you have a hand picked embryo, high betas, and progesterone. Plus, your due date is New Year's Day! That's good luck! You're good."
"But, this has gone badly before. This will be the same."
"It's just too early. You are acting like a crazy person! Some people never get morning sickness."
"I wonder when I should schedule a baby shower in Los Angeles? I have a wedding to attend there in October."
"Don't think too far in the future, you'll jinx it. Don't blog about it, you'll jinx it. Don't be happy, you'll jinx it."
"You'll feel better when you see the heartbeat on the 14th."
"But what if you miscarry after that?"

You get the idea.

I have resorted to stupid, self soothing behavior. For example, I was in CVS looking for a Mother's Day card for my mom, and saw FRERs were on sale. It has been over a week since my betas, confirming I am pregnant. But there they wereon the shelf, three for $11.99 to boot.

Yeah, I bought some. Why?

Even if I did miscarry, I would still have a high enough hcg level right now to give me a BFP. But, it made me feel better for 2 minutes to see a fast, dark test line that came back darker than the control line.

This level of anxiety isn't good. It really isn't. But it feels out of my control, like a primal reaction. I can't seem to get attached, be happy, or focus on the positive. It's almost like an out of body experience. Without any symptoms or additional betas, I have nothing to latch onto. Nothing that makes me feel pregnant.

A friend who is waiting on the results of her recent IUI told me that because several people we know (along with myself) have gotten BFPs, that she feels like she is doomed for a BFN. Like there aren't enough BFPs to go around. I completely understand how she feels.

In the last two weeks, several bloggers (Unaffected, Belle, Miss Conception, Mrs. Rochester, Lanie -  did I miss anyone?) have also announced BFPs along with me. I am thrilled for all of us. We all deserve to get our babies after battling infertility and loss for so long. But, that cynical part of my brain kicks in sometimes. Are there enough take-home babies for all of us to be successful?

I really, really hope so.

I also can't help but think of the bloggers whom I know and love that have not yet gotten their BFPs or had a recent loss. It hurts my heart to know my BFP caused them any pain. This blogging community is special, but complicated. I know how it is to feel happy for another blogger and yet to feel disconnected and distant from them at the same time, because the sameness of the shared journey shifted.

I'm really hoping that all of you stick with me anyway.

White Knuckles

 This post contains very delicate information. If you know me in my non-blogosphere life, please don't share the information below. We will share as we feel ready.

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I'm sorry I disappeared. Blogging is a funny thing. I wrote about every intimate detail of this cycle, but when it came to the end of the cycle, I hesitated to put it out there. I've felt guilty about this for a few days. You all have shown me so much support throughout this IVF cycle (and the other cycles that have come before it), so it feels strange not to share what's been going on. Additionally, this is my space. I use the blog to write about whatever feelings or issues I am dealing with. Nothing is a bigger issue for me right now than my efforts to be a mother. So, superstitiousness be damned. Here's what's been happening in the last 9 days.

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This week, I felt shy about posting. Maybe it's because I'm extremely superstitious about "jinxing" during the two week wait. Maybe it's because I was trying so hard to distract myself from how crazy I was acting. Maybe I was too busy.

Nah.

I wasn't posting because I was ashamed. Consider this post a confession.

As some of you know, because of my PCOS, I never get natural periods anymore. Since my miscarriage in August 2010, I have had exactly one natural period. So, as you can imagine, KG and I have had very few actual two week waits in our experience with TTC. We've had a few weird Clomid cycles, a couple of failed IUIs, and one failed IVF before now. In all those cases, either my period came quickly (short luteal phase) or we had to cancel the cycle.

So, I've had a lot of time to forget what a real, long TWW is like. And boy this was a doozey. All the lessons I learned when we miscarried went out this window. I swore then that I would remember that early BFPs and good betas do not mean you end up with a baby, so I wouldn't torture myself in the future with POAS. I would be patient. I would just wait for things to happen in time.

However, a year and a half later, I forgot all of that. I hang my head in shame as I write this. Last week, I became a testing addict once again. I was out of control and spent more money than I care to admit.

No kidding - 15 tests between 7dp5dt and 12dp5dt (Friday).

Even worse, I tested using multiple brands, different times of day, and obsessively photographed them, saved them in a Ziplock bag in my bathroom, arranged them in specific ways to analyze them, blah blah blah.

Seriously, it was behavior that was completely beyond me. Some might shake their head and laugh, but until you have been in this position, you don't know how you'll react. 

The good news: the reason I kept testing and testing is because I got BFPs all week.
The bad news: the darkness of the lines on the tests were highly variable by time of day, and scared the crap out of me. (I must be the only weirdo in the world who had darker FRER's (supposedly the most sensitive test) in the afternoon than with first morning urine. This issue deserves a whole separate post. Lesson learned? Internet cheapie tests are way more accurate for me.)

Although I was tempted to jump on the blog and post every picture of every positive test, something held me back. Despite seeing 2 lines on all of these tests, and seeing the word "Pregnant" on a digital test, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. If I said it publicly, maybe it would all disappear. Maybe I would get my period within hours of sharing. Maybe it would be my fault.

Then, Friday (12dp5dt) was beta day. I held out hope for a number around 100. I always get my blood drawn in the morning, and wait for an afternoon phone call. However, I checked my phone around lunch time, and saw I had a voicemail. I was shocked because it was so early, and my stomach was in knots because I didn't know if it was a good or a bad sign.

It was a good sign. The nurse enthusiastically said that our number was 859!

I sat at my desk, replaying the voicemail over and over to make sure I heard the number right. I even called her back, to ask her to repeat the number. I was so prepared for bad news, that I didn't know how to process good news.

Since the call, I've felt really stunned. Muted. Cautious. It really hasn't sunk in yet. How could something go right? KG is with me on this one. He's happy and optimistic, but we both have an undercurrent of white knuckles. Despite this, we did celebrate with a dinner out Friday night, and talked about the future. Superstitions be damned.

My mom has been emailing, encouraging me to see this as a totally new, separate experience from our first pregnancy. She says we should expect it to be a healthy, uneventful pregnancy, one that deserves to be enjoyed. I know she's right. I know we can't spend every day petrified and expecting the worst to happen. It's just so hard.

As I said to a fellow IFer the other day, "Once you've taken the pill and seen the Matrix, there's no going back."

But, unless something changes, I really am pregnant.

We went back in this morning to make sure my number is doubling. We got 3,247! Ultrasound in 2 weeks...

Please stick little one.

Glutton for punishment

I just fell into a classic TTC trap and I just thought I would share the insanity with you all. So, as you know, the TTW is total torture. The patience involved is totally beyond me and it pushes me to my limit. A friend suggested that the second week is worse than the first, and I must agree. It is during the second week that my resolve always falters, and I end up wasting expensive pregnancy tests, because I am so desperate to catch sight of the elusive double line ASAP.

The strategy behind choosing your testing day is pretty simple: choose a day that is far enough out from your ovulation date to have some possibility of showing a positive result, but early enough that you aren't going insane waiting for it to be TESTING DAY. Some bionic women with super embryos have shown a +HPT as early as 7DPO (days past ovulation) or 8 DPO with first morning urine. When I was pregnant last summer, I showed a +HPT at 10DPO (faint, but visible). Many women don't get a positive result until 13-14DPO. It is very individual.

But, even with this in mind, I have been known to test on 6DPO. 6... I haven't done that for a long time, but still. Somewhere in my brain, it made sense to do that.

This cycle, because I did a trigger shot, I had to wait for that medication to clear out of my system, because it will give a false positive test. It is concentrated hCG (pregnancy hormone) and that is the hormone that home tests pick up. So, using super cheapie tests, I used those for several days watching the line get fainter and fainter. 2 days ago the test was finally stark white, so I know now that if I do get a BFP, it is for real. So, I chose 10DPO (this coming Thursday) to be my first testing day. This sounds reasonable to me because that is when I got a +HPT last July. Good. Done. Decision made.

Then WHY did I decide, in my infinite wisdom, to use an expensive First Response test this morning (8DPO) at 8am when I had already peed at like 5:30am?! Wrong day AND wrong time. Of course the result was negative. Now I am just left embarrassed and disappointed with myself.

There is a compulsion there that is difficult to understand. Imagine you have chocolate in your cupboard and you are trying to lose weight. You have told yourself, "I am saving that chocolate for Thursday. It will taste so much better if I work out for a few days to earn it. I won't touch it until then." But, you can HEAR the chocolate calling to you. You can't think of much else. You are powerless against it, and you sneak it before you can even really taste it.

I need someone to come to my house and remove all HPTs. I am a danger to myself and others. Please, call Candy Finnigan.