Pendulum

The summer was beautiful. Not only did New England weather cooperate 90% of the time, but LF and I spent 2+ magical months together.  He was excited, happy, and as cooperative as a toddler can be. Tantrums were few, the days were filled with field trips, and we grew incredibly close. So close, as times, it was to the exclusion of others. I felt almost guilty about how much I ate up all the mommy love.

I also made some new friends, saw some of my old friends, got a small amount of exercise, blogged a bit, got things done, made phone calls, wrote emails, had play dates...you get the idea.

But, like all good things, it had to come to an end.

I knew my return to my classroom would change things. I thought I was prepared for those changes.

I wasn't.

These days I am having a very hard time keeping my head above water with my classroom, my home, and everything in between. Returning communications of all kind takes days (or weeks) and I feel a pretty constant guilt as a result. 

Mostly though, I can not describe how much I miss my boy. I know he is in good hands with his grandparents while I work, but it just isn't the same. Getting daily email updates of his adventures, moods, and meals just isn't the same as being there myself.

But it isn't just missing him that is making me sad.

Somehow in the transition of me going back to work, the mommy love has been dialed down. A lot. It has been replaced with more frequent tantrums and a sudden shift in affection. It seems as though we are firmly in a daddy love phase right now. As much as I am thrilled that LF is back to being attached at the hip with KG, I wish he would make some room for me. I know it is common, probably fleeting, and that I shouldn't take it personally. Still, it stings.

I'm trying hard not to pull the "I was in labor with you for 3 days with over 3 hours of pushing" card here. Okay, I guess I did just pull that card. But really, I just see these days as so fleeting. There will probably be years of LF not wanting anything to do with me (adolescence comes to mind). So, I'm feeling kind of desperate to squeeze every kiss and hug out of this kid right now.

So, I've been going out of my way to make more quality time with him. Trying to make every minute of our drastically reduced time together count.

Slowly, we will all readjust and the pendulum will find the middle, right?

Another summer come and gone

I go back to work in less than a week. Less than a week. How did that happen?

Some consider my summer break (which is NOT 3 months long as critics like to assume) a perk of teaching. I don't consider it a perk. I consider it completely necessary, and anyone who has taught for any length of time knows exactly what I mean.

From the outside, teaching looks like a sweet gig to many people. They assume that teachers start their work day when students enter the classroom, and end it when students exit. They assume we get all our work done within the confines of a school day, and leisurely eat bon bons at home the rest of the time. They would be wrong. Most school days I work 7:30am-5pm, and take work home, as well as answer parent communications. I also chair committees, run student clubs, work on special projects, etc. in addition to all of my lesson planning and instruction. Let's not even start with professional development and summer curriculum work. Plus, let's just say it isn't the kind of job where I can go grab a Starbucks or pick up my dry cleaning mid-day. Sometimes I find I've gone the whole day without peeing!

I say summers (about 10 weeks) are well deserved. And even then, I've tutored 2 days per week (and often during the school year) to supplement my mediocre income.

This summer was very different than any other because of LF. To be honest, I didn't know how I was going to feel about it when the school year ended. My maternity leave was a tough time for LF and I. I was deep in the throws of PPD and desperate for some semblance of my pre-mommy life. Honestly, I was relieved to go back to work at the time. So, when late June came around, I didn't know if I was going to feel as overwhelmed as I did in April.

Little did I know how amazing this summer would be. In just these last 9 weeks, he has developed so, so much. Not only is he doing things like sitting up and army crawling across the floor (hello, baby gates!), but he is constantly babbling with consonant sounds, went from 4(!) catnaps to 2 predictable longer ones, is eating solid foods, is sleeping through the night (mostly), and is generally amazing. Even at those times when he is driving me nuts because he won't cooperate with whatever I want him to do, I am just overflowing with how much I love this baby. He is a person now, and someone I miss desperately when I am away from him.

But here I go. About to walk into another school year. And here he goes. Into a daycare/Grandma care split.

I keep thinking of how much I am going to miss during those weekdays, all of the things he will do for the first time when I am not there.

I'm sure once we get into a routine again, I won't feel so despondent about this. The stimulation in daycare and quality time with the grandfolk are big benefits right?  He won't forget I'm his mom, right?

At least we have the summers...

MIA, Back To School madness, and Dr. Seuss

That's me. Ever since I set foot back in school, I've been completely MIA from the blogosphere. I feel incredibly guilty about this, and I miss you all, but something had to give in September.

Every start of school is stressful - the setting up of the classroom, faculty meetings, lesson planning, parent meetings, Back To School Night, and everything else take an incredibly long time to get under way. I knew that this school year would be tough being pregnant. But, the baby isn't even an issue. It is really all those normal factors, combined with the addition of a brand new math curriculum (nothing like making a teacher with 8 years of experience feel like a rookie) and an iPad pilot project in my classroom that makes me feel like I'm drowning. All I can do is make it from work to home, eat, and go to sleep at night. I've been waking up at 6, arriving at school around 7am, leaving around 5pm, and in bed by 9pm. Trying to squeeze in time to cook, keep our place clean, spend SOME time with KG, and you know, breathe, has been tough. I won't get into how much work I'm bringing home and how my Sundays are spent making Smartboard demonstrations for math class. These are the times that people who criticize teachers for having 8 weeks off in the summer can suck it.

In the middle of all that, I flew home to Los Angeles for my first baby shower.

I was thrilled to go, but missing work this close to the start of school just added to my anxiety. Putting that aside, while I was there, I hit 100 degree weather, saw some friends, spent time with my family, and slept like a baby. My best friend, her partner, and my mom hosted this awesome Dr. Seuss themed brunchy shower and it was wonderful. The BFF and partner did all the decorations, delicious food and drinks, and handled the RSVP details. It was intimate (only about 10 people), mellow, and was sans embarrassing taste-the-baby-food games. Just what I requested.

Then, there was the cake. 10 years ago, my mother made my sister's wedding cake, after taking Wilton classes and practicing for months beforehand. Because I got married in Boston, she couldn't do the same for me. But, guess what she did for the baby shower?

Can you believe it?

The Cake Boss would be jealous!

Mom, me, and my sister

While I was gone, KG spent hours starting the process of physical transformation at our place. He scrubbed, labored, sneezed, and moved Mt. Baby (as we are calling the huge collection of baby gear donated to our cause) into the beginnings of our new office so it doesn't take over our living room. Soon, we'll finish cleaning out the old office (aka the future nursery), move our wireless access to the new office, clean the carpet in the nursery, build the crib, pick up the changing table/glider/ottoman/dresser from SIL, organize Mt. Baby, and make a home for this little guy. I know theoretically we have time for all this, but the weeks seem to be flying by, and the to-do list just seems to grow. Have I mentioned we haven't started looking for a pediatrician yet?

Every time I get overwhelmed with these details, I try to take a breath and remind myself of how fortunate we are. If you told me at the beginning of my infertility treatments in January of 2010 that I would be lucky enough to even HAVE a baby shower, I would have laughed in your face. I can't describe the deep feeling of gratitude I have for every single kick, nudge, and flip The Nugget does in my belly. I also ache for my blogger friends who have experienced a recent loss, have ended their journey, or are still trying for a BFP. Belle, Sometimes, Trisha, Toni,  Mo, Sunny, Cristy, Detour, and more. I hold you close ladies and send you whatever support I can.

I leave you with the new Mumford and Sons song that I am obsessed with, "I Will Wait." This song could have been my anthem during treatments. Enjoy.

Crossing Over

As a part of my work as a teacher, we are required to do professional development several times a year. These workshops vary in content and quality. Sometimes they are technology workshops about how to better utilize Smartboards or software. Lately, there have been several related to curriculum design, mostly focusing on STEM/STEAM. My favorites though focus on inclusiveness and diversity in education. Yesterday, we did a three-hour workshop on majority and minority groups, exploring what it feels like to be in both.

During the workshop, we all (about 60 of us) stood on one side of the room. Then, as a scenario was posed, you crossed the room to the empty side, if the scenario applied to you. Some of them were innocuous, such as "Cross over if you grew up outside of New England." Once you got to the other side, you could choose to give more information about your crossing, or not.

This sounds simple, but it was really emotionally challenging at times. The feeling of standing on the side of the room with fewer or no other people with you was really outside my comfort zone. As we worked through the scenarios, they got more and more personal. Some other interesting ones posed were things like, "Cross if you:
- have been the only one of your culture or race within a workplace
- have ever been targeted by police simply because of who you are
- have ever felt targeted by a stranger because of who you are
- have felt embarrassed to tell people whether you went to college or where you attended
- lost a job opportunity because of something about your background
- have suffered from a life-threatening disease or injury
- are adopted
- been a single parent
- married to someone of another culture or race"

Then it got really interesting. The facilitator asked:
- "Cross over if you have ever had feelings of discrimination or discomfort around the question of why you don't have children, or your plans to do so."

I thought about whether to cross the room for a few seconds. As I quickly had to make the decision whether to "come out" to my colleagues, my inner voice became clear. I had to do it. I had to be honest with myself and stop hiding, even if I had to do it by myself. It was a little scary, but I've learned from personal experience that exposing myself in this way can often open a door to incredible conversation with someone else, who might also be struggling. So, I forced my feet to move into the empty space, with lots and lots of eyes on me. Luckily, as I glanced up, those eyes were full of warmth, support, and a little bit of shock.

Then, I got lucky. Within my school, I'm close with three other women who are either currently or have gone through infertility treatment in the past. One is pregnant, due a month after me (after seeing my RE!) and two are still in treatment. The other woman who is pregnant smiled at me, and then crossed over to stand at my side. The other two still TTC stayed where they were.

A second later, another co-worker came to stand near us, one I hadn't expected. This woman is a teacher I have worked with for several years, and over last year became quite unpredictable with some angry outbursts and general aggression. It suddenly dawned on me why there had been such a change in her personality.

All three of us took the opportunity to speak about why we crossed over. I said that I crossed over because it took us a lot of effort to attain this pregnancy, after years of being asked when I would have children. I spoke to the pain of people assuming that if you are young and married, that children are an assumed inevitability.  My pregnant friend spoke to not only how difficult it was to watch co-workers get pregnant while she was still struggling, but also the guilt of currently being pregnant, knowing people close to you are still struggling. We both ended with how strange it feels to be on the other side.

The third woman spoke too. She talked about how she is unable to have children and watching us be pregnant is very painful for her. Instead of being hurt by her words, I felt tremendous empathy for her. How many times have I been in her shoes? How many times did I wish I could say the exact same thing?

After the workshop, I wrote to her and expressed my support. I gave her a bit more background of my situation and offered to speak to her about her process if she ever wanted to or felt comfortable doing so. About 30 seconds after sending my email, she responded in a really appreciative way. We made a date to take a walk after the first week of school and discuss her situation.

If I've learned nothing else from my infertility experience, it's that if you are willing to make yourself vulnerable and exposed to others, the payoff can be huge. Crossing that room may have been hard for me, but maybe it will make her journey just a teeny, tiny bit easier.

My To-Do Lists have To-Do Lists

I don't know where the summer went. One minute, I was wrapping up end-of-year meetings at school, and the next I'm preparing to return on Monday. Although every summer goes quickly for me, this one really seemed jam packed. Between taking a few small trips, searching for day care, doctor's appointments, projects, tutoring, a week in Maine, and working on some curriculum material, it just flew.

Monday, I'll be back at school. Once again, I'll turn into "Mrs. HRF." It's a little known fact that teachers get just as nervous about the new school year as students do. I always get some nerves during this last week of summer, but this year I'm even more anxious. The truth is, I'm really going to have to dig deep to give my normal 100% at school this fall. Not only am I preoccupied with The Nugget but there will also be two other brand spanking new curriculum initiatives in my classroom, which puts me pretty far out of my comfort zone. After eight years of teaching, I'm having to completely change the way I teach. It's a lot to handle, knowing I'll miss 12 weeks of it. 

The best way I know to handle anxiety is to talk about it and write things down. So, this week, I made a pretty comprehensive Baby To-Do list for KG and I to tackle. Holy crap. By the end, the list is at least 20 items long, including cleaning tasks, nursery prep, appointments, phone calls, and more. Then I realized some items on the list necessitated another list, and a post-it.

What I worry about most is how there is going to be enough of me to go around. Logically, I know KG will help me get through the list of practicalities. He will help me clean out our office, move it to another room, and create a nursery. We will rent a truck and pick up the furniture we are receiving from friends and family. We will scrub this place down before the shower. The carpet will get shampooed. Somehow, by the time this baby arrives, the tedious stuff will happen, even though it feels daunting.

I'm more worried about how to accomplish all that, AND be a good teacher, good wife, good friend, and a prepared mama. Then that snowballs into worrying about how I'm going to handle training a maternity leave sub and going back to work in April, after my leave. There almost isn't room right now to be concerned with things like actual parenting and infant care!

I know a lot of my anxiety is purely the anticipation. Once I start again, I'll have to figure out how to manage it all. KG also made a good point the other day. He said I might need to learn how to be okay with not being able to do everything I did before. I'll need to learn how to say no to certain duties, admit when I'm tired, and get my work ego in check. All true.

Thank goodness, just when I'm near meltdown, The Nugget reminds me of the real priority with a kick, nudge, or push.
_______________________________
PSA: RESOLVE is asking for video submissions for this campaign. I am considering making one, and you should too.

Distraction is a Good Thing

May is the absolute busiest time of the school year for me. Right about now, we are squeezing in loads of curriculum, field trips, school events, and various other mandatory items with a very distinct deadline. Need an example? While most of my friends are planning barbeques and picnics for Memorial Day weekend, I'll be writing 13 progress reports, each of which takes 2-3 hours. Yup, it's just me and my laptop this weekend.

Although all of this is exhausting, the distraction is probably a good thing right now. I have been thinking of sweet Belle's loss a lot, but all of this action at work leaves me very little time to think about my own upcoming ultrasound on Wednesday. I'll be a little over 9 weeks then, and am praying I'll see that same healthy heartbeat. I've been having a symptom or two here and there, but nothing remarkable. I'm just trying not to read too much into it.

Work stress has also left me a bit uninspired when it comes to blogging this week. But, I know that as soon as my last report is written and the last day with my students gets a bit closer, I'll start to reclaim some creativity 'round these parts.

In the meantime, I'll close my eyes and visualize summer.

DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince, "Summertime"

Top 10 Things I Wish I Could Make Myself Do

10. Go to the gym
9. Finish the novel I have been reading for 2 months
8. Stop Googling "pregnant no symptoms"
7. Not allow the stress of teaching to permeate every minute of my day
6. Resist the urge to call and move Monday's ultrasound to Friday
5. Cease begging SKB and other friends to talk me down off the ledge every day, when I am convinced this pregnancy will end in miscarriage
4. Eat some other food group besides carbs
3. Thoroughly clean my apartment
2. Absorb some of KG's ability to relax and go to a happy place
1. Start believing that this pregnancy will be a happy, healthy one, ending full term with a take-home baby

Big sigh.

Bouncing back

My blog hit 10,000 hits and it just made my morning. Thanks guys. I am feeling all "Aww, shucks" about it. I love blogging and all of your support keeps me motivated.
_______________________________

I have been thinking a lot about change lately. Yesterday, on the playground, another teacher and I were chatting about the idea of resiliency in children. As teachers, we see it as one of the most valuable skills a child can have: the ability to recover from some kind of setback (emotional, physical, whatever). It is also a trait that is very difficult to teach. When we see it naturally occur in children, we know that kid will have an advantage over others who get stuck in their frustration or pain.

When I think about it, I actually did not have resiliency as a child. Or, let's face it, until my 30s. I was the kid who would curl up and cry in my bedroom when some social disaster happened. I would refuse to go to school and would rerun the scenario over and over again in my mind, obsessing on it for far too long.

Now, I will not claim that I am cured of this issue. I still tend to overthink, overanalyze, and generally make myself crazy. I'm sure KG would agree. But, as an adult, I have had no choice but to develop resiliency that I lacked as a kid. Besides infertility, there are painful life experiences that forced me to find ways to leave my bed, put my feet on the floor, and keep moving through my life. Illness, relationships, the death of friends and family, financial stress and all the other fun shit that happens, often without warning. What else can you do? You keep moving.

The last few days, I began feel like myself again. Smiles aren't as forced. Tears have abated. KG and I can kid around or watch "Two Broke Girls" and actually laugh. I haven't forgotten what happened. I think I have just processed it and decided to not let my failed IVF cycle rule every second of my day.  Seeing my therapist helped. Working some stuff out with my mom helped. Lots of hugs and support from my friends and KG helped. All in all, I'm feeling pretty proud of myself.

1 week of mourning? Not so bad.

And now, a song about hard times and resiliency.

The best verse from Change by Blind Melon:

When you feel your life ain't worth living
you've got to stand up and
take a look around you then a look way up to the sky.
And when your deepest thoughts are broken,
keep on dreaming boy, cause when you stop dreamin' it's time to die.




______________________________________
A few random thoughts for this morning
• AF arrived yesterday. Back on the pill tomorrow. Step one of IVF #2 complete.
• I have been drinking this Green Monster smoothie (as blogged by Cornfed Feminist and Sunny at Cease and Decyst) and it is life changing! I have been eating like crap lately and this gives me a fast yummy way to get in a bunch of greens first thing in the morning. I swear to you, I can't taste the spinach.
• I slept 11 hours last night. A.MAZ.ING.
• Anyone have cats? We have 2 (for the last 9 years) and they drive us insane because they always hiss and growl at each other. Anyone know any kitty psychiatry?

Big Girls...You are Beautiful!

14,306 words written this weekend. Yup, that's right. My progress reports are all drafted.

I can't emphasize enough what a huge undertaking these are, especially at a private school.

My timeline looked like this:
Last Sunday - 3 hours spent on one report that needed to be completed early
Over the course of last week: gathering assessment data, compiling notes, looking through portfolios, and beginning skills checklists
Friday - 3 hours of work after a full school day
Saturday-Monday: worked 5-6 hours per day, only stopping for lunch and pee breaks
Tomorrow: after dildocam in the morning, will edit and proofread all of them
Wednesday: trade reports with teaching partner, making any subsequent changes
Friday: get edits from Head of School

Then, we get to wait for emails and phone calls from parents, questioning each and every statement we wrote about their children. Oy.

So...
To celebrate my victory over my progress reports, I played some Just Dance 2 (which I am starting to prefer to Just Dance 3...yup) on our Wii. Because this is the only exercise I can seem to force myself to do these days, I look pretty spastic trying to break a sweat. But, man is it fun. Somehow I forget while I'm playing about my muffin top and jiggly thighs, for a little while.

For this reason, one of the songs on the soundtrack by Mika gives me a total ego boost, being a big girl myself.

Enjoy this tribute to all us girls with a booty!

Cocoon

No, not the movie. Although that would go so nicely with my post about how much I love the eighties. No, here I refer to the cocoon of report-writing I am about to enter for the next 4 days. I usually write for about 5-6 hours per day, and then turn into a puddle of exhausted mess on my couch.

So, today's song is in honor of my students, and in honor of how little I like my job on weekends like this. I know, I know, this is what I get paid the medium-sized bucks for.

Hopefully, there are some other Pink Floyd fans out there.



In other news:
• did anyone notice that in Blogger you can now reply to comments!? Like instead of doing a whole other comment, you can just reply?! Am I an idiot, or is this new?

• still wearing the big girl panties with my Lupron shots!
• yesterday was the last day of the BCP/Lupron overlap - could it have been my last pill ever?!
• hopefully AF comes tomorrow
• baseline ultrasound and bloodwork on Tuesday
• stims should start Wednesday

KG and I are SO READY to get this show on the road for reals.

Bloating, follicles, and dildocams, here we come.

Back to the Grind

Any teachers out there?

If so, you know how it goes when you return to school after winter break. Any hopes I had of slowly readjusting were dashed within a few minutes of the kids walking in the room! My teaching partner and I quickly got overwhelmed as we looked at our plan books and realized that we needed to quickly plan in a ton of assessments for upcoming progress reports and get several major curriculum projects kicked off. To those not in the classroom, this may sound like minor issues. But, when the tasks involve 26 children, it is daunting.

You know those progress reports I mentioned? I teach in a private school, so those progress reports involve very long narratives, bulleted strengths and goals in every subject, and checklists of skills. Altogether, I write between 12,000-15,000 words when all is said and done. The parents are paying major bucks for tuition, so they expect lengthy and detailed information on their kids. Although I feel like writing the reports is a major strength of mine, it takes at least five days of writing, spending 5-6 hours at a time at my laptop, on top of the prep time to review my notes and samples of their work. Not to mention correcting new work as it comes in.

All of this, on top of actually teaching my classes, tutoring, and doing normal administrative duties.

Needless to say, even in my seventh year of teaching, I get really stressed in January.

I suggested to my dad that he buy me a massage, to alleviate said stress. He agreed! I go in at noon for a 90 minute massage.

I. Can't. Wait.

Needless to say, my blog might be neglected over the next 10 days or so.
___________________________________
So, in IVF #1 news - here is the latest:
• His Royal Fabulousness (aka KG, because I am lazy) and I met with my RE's nurse for a lesson in all my meds. It was really helpful to watch her mix meds and such in front of us. She commented on what a relaxed, non-squeamish guy he is, and I had to agree. I don't know what I would do without him giving me these shots.

• I start Lupron tomorrow morning. On days I am home, KG will do the shots. On school days, my school nurse will do them. She has three sons from IVF herself! I stay on Lupron through the last several days of BCP (last pill on Jan. 12th) and then get a period while on Lupron.

• On Jan. 17th, I have a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork scheduled, then I start Gonal-F and Menopur the next day. I wish I had asked why I can't do an ultrasound now, to make sure the cysts are gone, before I start Lupron. Anyone know the answer to why they have me start Lupron first?


• I do stims and Lupron until my hcg trigger (aka BIG ASS NEEDLE #1).

• Egg retrieval is the day after, with embryo transfer either 3 or 5 days later, depending on how the little suckers fertilize. Can't wait for transfer. Transfer = valium.

• Fun progesterone in oil (PIO) injections start after transfer, along with estrogen patches, antibiotics, steroids, and other fun stuff.

__________________________________________
KG said the sweetest thing the afternoon of our meds lesson. In the most earnest way, he thanked me for being willing to go through all of this to make our baby. I'm telling you, that boy melts my heart sometimes. You should have heard the sweetness in his voice.

Now, if that sweetness could include him giving up alcohol with me this cycle, THAT would be something.

So, although I am not excited, I am feeling like it is time to get this show on the road. I'm as ready as I will ever be.