Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Thank You

The support I got from all of you yesterday was staggering and humbling. Some of you even said how much my blog helps you, and that made me feel extremely grateful. I am so lucky to have you all, as well as my wonderful friends IRL.

There are no words to describe how stunned and disappointed we are. It still seems surreal. I have to say, of all the worries I had about this cycle, I didn't see this one coming. One minute, I was waiting to hear when my transfer would be, the next the ground disappeared beneath me. I was at school when I got the call, and apparently I turned as white as a ghost and staggered out of my classroom. Thank goodness I have a teaching partner who could take over. I apparently drove home (although it's foggy in my memory) and then spent the next 8 hours crying off and on, finally passing out at 8:30.

Biggest lesson learned? Don't go to sleep after crying that long. I woke up this morning looking like a swollen monster - seriously, it looked like I needed an Epipen.

Today, we are trying to regroup and make sense of what happened. This is extremely difficult with so little information.

His Royal Fabulousness and I have the same questions that many of you asked in your comments. Here are some of the things I know:
1. 19 of my 23 eggs were mature and healthy.
2. KG's sperm also all looked good.
3. They expected excellent fertilization and my RE was genuinely shocked.
4. She said they checked for lab error, compared with other ER's that day, and spoke with the embryologist.
5. At this point, there is no explanation for why none of my eggs fertilized. They think this could be why my IUIs didn't work, but they can't point to a specific problem.
6. The RE said we will do ICSI next time, and that they have good success rates. They don't do ICSI unless there are known sperm/egg issues, so therefore we did not plan on it for my first retrieval. I also plan on asking about assisted hatching. I did ask about why they couldn't do ICSI after the fact and her nurse said it was too late.
7. I am at one of the top fertility clinics in the country, seeing one of the top REs, in one of the medical centers of the universe (Boston). I don't think this is a result of a lab error. I think this is just a really fucked up, rare, horrible outcome to an otherwise promising IVF cycle.

Where do we go from here? For now, we are on hold. I stopped all meds and now have to wait for AF. Then I'll go back on the pill for a while. Then, we'll see how my ovaries are looking, and start over. We are also compiling a list of questions for our WTF?! appointment with the RE in a couple of weeks.

I'm still pretty uncomfortable from ER, and generally feel pretty shitty. Hiding out with a bottle of wine (thanks Smoon) sounds like a good plan for now.

KG made me promise that we won't give up yet. But, with his big blue eyes, he did admit that he's, "...tired of being in the 1%." Amen.

Edited to add: If you or someone you know has had zero fertilization, please comment.

29 comments:

  1. Too bad being part of this 1% doesn't come with oodles and oodles of money and power.

    I cannot believe this outcome. I wish more than anything that I could make it different for you.

    I've been thinking of you all day.

    xoxoxoxo

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  2. Again, I'm so very sorry for this news. It sucks in a way no one should have to experience. I'm sending you lots of love and hugs.

    I only know of one story where a couple at my clinic opted not to do ICSI (it's standard protocol for my clinic for every IVF cycle). Also a promising cycle with many eggs and not a one fertilized. The next round they did ICSI and now have a beautiful little girl.

    Thinking of you.

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    1. Apparently a lot of clinics do ICSI as part of the protocol. Not mine. I'm hoping it will help us next time. Thanks for the love.

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  3. Ditto on Sometimes comment. How did we end up in the wrong 1%?

    The unknowns of this process are the hardest part for me to handle. It leaves so much room for doubting the medical professionals and yourself, which I do (especially the latter) at every opportunity.

    I'm so glad that you're not giving up hope. I wish you all the best of luck for your next cycle, and hope you get to take advantage of this time to enjoy lots of wine.

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  4. If only there were ever answers that would suffice...

    A friend of mine had IVF with her fist child (ICSI) and got pregnant the first try. Then for her second, she wanted to wait and save $$, the doctor told her she had a 1% change of conceiving naturally. Her 1% chance is now 4yrs old.

    hang in there, while it doesnt seem like it now, there is light at the end of the tunnel!

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  5. I still am in shock over this, I can't even imagine how you feel. You sound so strong and I am glad that he won't let you give up hope, you can't yet. Being the 1% is miserable, but I have to believe that some day you will be in the 99%.

    Thinking of you! Xoxo!

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  6. I was a different kind of 1% with recurrent losses, but I know how bad it sucks to be there. I am so sorry you were so blindsided and I will keep you in my prayers. (((hugs)))

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  7. I think you are awesome and have an amazing attitude. Hoping you can get some answers so that your next go-round is successful.

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  8. Still thinking of you, I hear you, this is a curveball nobody expects, a whole new thing to worry about. So so shitty. We too are our own 1%. Shitty place to be. It does make you wonder though if this has been your issue, maybe gives a little insight - not that there is any "upside". But if that's your issue (because clearly you have fantastic eggs/sperm), that should mean a perfect child first try through IcsI - right? So sorry. I hope this is the end of the shit for you. And that from this point on you can be in that 60+% that your clinic probably gets pregnant each month.

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  9. I'm still so sorry. I wish you could have gotten SOMETHING out of that cycle. I suppose you have some more information to process that will add to your diagnosis even if you don't know the reason they didn't fertilize.

    I really really wish you luck in your next cycle. At least I'll have someone to hang with while I wait for mine.

    Hang in there friend.

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  10. :( i love the dixie chicks. Perfect song for the moment. I love your song posts. I think youve got a lot of potential hun. 23 eggs and good sperm. Maybe it was the culture fluid. Next time you could do half in one type of culture and half in another with icsi assisted hatching and pgd. I know so crazy but thats what im looking at too. Xoxoxo

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    1. The culture medium just got added to my list of questions. Thank you.

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  11. I'm sorry to hear the bad news. :( Girl you got more in you than most! So disappointing, but you still have options it seems. I love you and I am thinking about you. Smoon's always good for a some wine... ;)

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    1. hey, what are you saying Lacey?!?!?! lol, funny, I dropped wine and chocolate off the other night for her royal fabulousness.

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  12. I hope they are able to provide some answers at your WTF appt. I wish I could lend any advice but I can't sorry. I'm also new to this and have never heard of zero fertilization with that many eggs. Great song choice. Keeping you in my thoughts {Hugs}

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  13. I am so very sorry for you and feel your pain and frustration.
    I went through IVF and ICSI with having both my boys and the second time around it took us nearly a year to get pregnant with many disappointments (a failed frozen cycle, a cancelled cycle, a failed fresh cycle after transferring grade A embryos).
    As hard as this is for you right now...try to stay positive and believe that it will happen for you. The journey just may be longer and different from what you imagined. You are so young....and that is on your side.
    Sending hugs

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  14. I'm still dumbfounded that this even happened. I'm angry that this happened to you too. Sorry is all that I can say. Enjoy your wine, try to take it easy on yourself and remember that you are still going to be a bit sore from the retrieval. Just know that I'm thinking of you.

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  15. I'm just now catching up, and I'm so saddened to read about your fert report. You will be in my thoughts <3

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  16. More hugs for you!

    I know of 2 girls on my message board who had zero fertilization rates on their IVF cycles. One of them even with regular ICSI, they are now moving on to something called "H-ICSI". The other now had good fertilization with ICSI , but unfortunately suffered a bio-chemical. However, I don't know if their infertility diagnoses are male-factor or not, or how many eggs they each had.

    Hope you'll get answers soon!

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  17. I am both mad and sad for your news. I wish this was an easier experience for you and KG. I don't know what else to say other than I am so sorry. Treat yourself well my friend, love that dear man of yours and know that there are a lot of people praying and hoping for you.

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  18. It's not fair. I am so, so sorry. My thoughts and love are with you.

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  19. I am so sorry this happened. I am completely shocked! Keeping you and your Hubby in my thoughts and prayers and hoping you get some answers. Hugz!

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  20. I'm so sorry, HRF. I hate that you're going through this. I'm so sorry you also have to deal with very sore ovaries and general hormonalness at a time like this. AGH. Know I'm thinking of you and sending a hug.

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  21. Oh I am so sorry to hear this!! I know there's nothing else to say except that it sucks and it's awful. Times like this I wish we all lived close and we could all show up at your house with pizza and ice cream and cry with you.

    You're in my thoughts and prayers. I'm sending you a huge hug from Cincy to Boston. xoxo

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  22. You are being so strong - I really admire you for that. Hang in there, give yourself time to grieve and be gentle on yourself during these next few weeks.

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  23. Hi there,

    This is actually the first time I've ever commented on a blog. You have done an amazing job expressing the full range of emotions one feels while trudging along through IVF. I am 31, have an amazing 2 year old and just had my first IVF cycle this week. My story is similar, we went in, there were 13 eggs retrieved, everything looked perfect and then BAM- total fertilization failure. My doc was at a complete loss and did a rescue ICSI procedure, they were able to salvage 4 eggs and I had two transferred yesterday. It's a "day 4" transfer, one 8 cell and one 9 cell with zero fragmentation. I am obviously on edge and feel like a total nut because I can't get off the computer. Your story is so encouraging, thank you for sharing with the world! You seem like such a normal, every-day gal and I can't wait to read the part where you get pregnant and have your little one. It's a great experience! Sleep-depriving, but awesome and I promise they do eventually sleep.

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