Thank You

The support I got from all of you yesterday was staggering and humbling. Some of you even said how much my blog helps you, and that made me feel extremely grateful. I am so lucky to have you all, as well as my wonderful friends IRL.

There are no words to describe how stunned and disappointed we are. It still seems surreal. I have to say, of all the worries I had about this cycle, I didn't see this one coming. One minute, I was waiting to hear when my transfer would be, the next the ground disappeared beneath me. I was at school when I got the call, and apparently I turned as white as a ghost and staggered out of my classroom. Thank goodness I have a teaching partner who could take over. I apparently drove home (although it's foggy in my memory) and then spent the next 8 hours crying off and on, finally passing out at 8:30.

Biggest lesson learned? Don't go to sleep after crying that long. I woke up this morning looking like a swollen monster - seriously, it looked like I needed an Epipen.

Today, we are trying to regroup and make sense of what happened. This is extremely difficult with so little information.

His Royal Fabulousness and I have the same questions that many of you asked in your comments. Here are some of the things I know:
1. 19 of my 23 eggs were mature and healthy.
2. KG's sperm also all looked good.
3. They expected excellent fertilization and my RE was genuinely shocked.
4. She said they checked for lab error, compared with other ER's that day, and spoke with the embryologist.
5. At this point, there is no explanation for why none of my eggs fertilized. They think this could be why my IUIs didn't work, but they can't point to a specific problem.
6. The RE said we will do ICSI next time, and that they have good success rates. They don't do ICSI unless there are known sperm/egg issues, so therefore we did not plan on it for my first retrieval. I also plan on asking about assisted hatching. I did ask about why they couldn't do ICSI after the fact and her nurse said it was too late.
7. I am at one of the top fertility clinics in the country, seeing one of the top REs, in one of the medical centers of the universe (Boston). I don't think this is a result of a lab error. I think this is just a really fucked up, rare, horrible outcome to an otherwise promising IVF cycle.

Where do we go from here? For now, we are on hold. I stopped all meds and now have to wait for AF. Then I'll go back on the pill for a while. Then, we'll see how my ovaries are looking, and start over. We are also compiling a list of questions for our WTF?! appointment with the RE in a couple of weeks.

I'm still pretty uncomfortable from ER, and generally feel pretty shitty. Hiding out with a bottle of wine (thanks Smoon) sounds like a good plan for now.

KG made me promise that we won't give up yet. But, with his big blue eyes, he did admit that he's, "...tired of being in the 1%." Amen.

Edited to add: If you or someone you know has had zero fertilization, please comment.