My blog hit 10,000 hits and it just made my morning. Thanks guys. I am feeling all "Aww, shucks" about it. I love blogging and all of your support keeps me motivated.
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I have been thinking a lot about change lately. Yesterday, on the playground, another teacher and I were chatting about the idea of resiliency in children. As teachers, we see it as one of the most valuable skills a child can have: the ability to recover from some kind of setback (emotional, physical, whatever). It is also a trait that is very difficult to teach. When we see it naturally occur in children, we know that kid will have an advantage over others who get stuck in their frustration or pain.
When I think about it, I actually did not have resiliency as a child. Or, let's face it, until my 30s. I was the kid who would curl up and cry in my bedroom when some social disaster happened. I would refuse to go to school and would rerun the scenario over and over again in my mind, obsessing on it for far too long.
Now, I will not claim that I am cured of this issue. I still tend to overthink, overanalyze, and generally make myself crazy. I'm sure KG would agree. But, as an adult, I have had no choice but to develop resiliency that I lacked as a kid. Besides infertility, there are painful life experiences that forced me to find ways to leave my bed, put my feet on the floor, and keep moving through my life. Illness, relationships, the death of friends and family, financial stress and all the other fun shit that happens, often without warning. What else can you do? You keep moving.
The last few days, I began feel like myself again. Smiles aren't as forced. Tears have abated. KG and I can kid around or watch "Two Broke Girls" and actually laugh. I haven't forgotten what happened. I think I have just processed it and decided to not let my failed IVF cycle rule every second of my day. Seeing my therapist helped. Working some stuff out with my mom helped. Lots of hugs and support from my friends and KG helped. All in all, I'm feeling pretty proud of myself.
1 week of mourning? Not so bad.
And now, a song about hard times and resiliency.
The best verse from Change by Blind Melon:
When you feel your life ain't worth living
you've got to stand up and
take a look around you then a look way up to the sky.
And when your deepest thoughts are broken,
keep on dreaming boy, cause when you stop dreamin' it's time to die.
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A few random thoughts for this morning
• AF arrived yesterday. Back on the pill tomorrow. Step one of IVF #2 complete.
• I have been drinking this Green Monster smoothie (as blogged by Cornfed Feminist and Sunny at Cease and Decyst) and it is life changing! I have been eating like crap lately and this gives me a fast yummy way to get in a bunch of greens first thing in the morning. I swear to you, I can't taste the spinach.
• I slept 11 hours last night. A.MAZ.ING.
• Anyone have cats? We have 2 (for the last 9 years) and they drive us insane because they always hiss and growl at each other. Anyone know any kitty psychiatry?
I love this post. I can very much relate to playing things over and over in your mind, and trying to become more resilient as I get older.
ReplyDeleteAlso, we have 2 cats. Originally we had 1 and adopted 2 kittens and everything was wonderful cat-wise, until our older cat died. Then our 2 other cats started fighting all the time. Eventually we realized that the trigger was our fat, asthmatic cat becoming scared by something outside. Then our thin agile cat would somehow interpret this as his opportunity to pounce, and fighting would ensue. Things improved when we blocked their view to the outside and separated them when necessary.
Since our move east we've lived on the 11th floor, and there are no more scary things in our window :) They hardly fight at all now - unless they want food.
Glad to hear your feeling better! Great song :-)
ReplyDeleteHugs
I think I was the same way as a child, especially during my early teens. Though I wore being an outsider as a badge of pride, it did bother me that I have very few friends while I was growing up (only a handful instead of the large group most had). Graduate school taught me how to get out of bed in the morning and continue pushing for what I wanted even though everything hurt; infertility is teaching me how to do it with a smile.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for the events of this last month. My heart still aches from the news. But, I'm hopeful for the future for both of us. You are an amazing woman and will be an amazing mother. This journey is only making you that much more awesome.
I am so glad you are coming back to a more peaceful place. It's hard to pull yourself up after being beaten down. It says a lot that you are already focusing on your future and have some hope that things can be different.
ReplyDeleteI am proud of you.
1. I'm so glad to hear you are bouncing back. Perhaps you can post some tips for those of us who don't bounce back quickly? (ahem, myself included!)
ReplyDelete2. Children are amazing to watch. I believe we can all learn a lot about how to better ourselves by observing how they move through tragedy and adventure. I think you are so lucky to spend your days with them!
3. I'm going to have to breakdown and try this Green Monster Smoothie. I have heard tons of people give it rave reviews.
4. I have four cats and they always growl at each other! We have reduced growling, though by doing the following: all cats eat together at the same time each day (or as close as our schedules permit) and in the same place. They like the routine. Communal playtime has helped tremendously. My cat is much older than Mr. Husband's three so she does not play as much or for as long, but she does enjoy watching the lazer pointer and toys. When she is getting "only/old cat time" upstairs she also gets some solo play time. This helps relieve pent-up energy. And finally, HUGS. Every cat gets hugged at least once a day, preferably more. Wether it is an actual pick the cat up and hug her, or just a stop by to scratch her ears, taking the time to personally visit each cat lets everyone feel loved.
This concludes one of the longest comments ever from a crazy cat lady :)
We def get lazy about playtime. Maybe we need to do that more. They already get fed at the same time and place. The smaller one just keeps trying to play with the bigger one and it always ends in kitty drama!
DeleteYou are going into another IVF right off? As for the cats, yeah mine used to fight around 2am every day. They used my stomach as a spring board!
ReplyDeleteYou sound alot better. More positive and looking forward to the future. We never forget what we lose, but we can learn from this and grow stronger..xx
ReplyDeleteI am so happy that you are finding hope and finding a way to move forward from this. Well done - You are so brave!
ReplyDeleteSo glad to have found your blog (it's to pretty, I need to get more creative). Also, struggling with PCOS - lookign for others out there who can relate since all my friends pretty much don't get it.
ReplyDeleteSo glad you found me! :) I just followed your blog.
DeleteNICE! I saw the comment WOOT WOOT!
DeleteWhenever I need some cheering up I have started watching "idiot abroad" on science channel - I don't know what it is, but I get a really good Hee HAW out of it.... totally changes my mood.
So glad you are doing better. Your strength gives me hope.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you're in a good place...or at least well on your way. The teacher in me has always been intrigued by resiliency. I honestly think that it might be an innate characteristic. I think that I'm pretty resilient when it comes to sadness, but I dwell a lot on stuff and worry about things. So maybe half and half.
ReplyDeleteAnd green smoothies seriously are life-changing! My favourite combo is mango (or orange) juice, frozen mango chunks and spinach. So good!