Sunday, February 19, 2012

Plan B or C or D

We have established that I am a worrier. I am a planner. In this world where so much is out of my control, somehow making lists of worst case scenarios and creating Plan B's is what brings me comfort. Although some people might find it cynical or negative, I find it extremely comforting to know what our next move will be, when all else fails. I am letting my freak flag fly here -whether you think I am putting my cart before the horse or not, this is just the way I operate.

Lately, His Royal Fabulousness and I have had a lot of these conversations. He constantly shakes his head at my need to know about the "What Ifs?" Because he loves me in all my neurotic-ness, he humors me. I think given what happened with our first IVF cycle, he is far more open to at least entertain the possibility that our TTC efforts could end up being fruitless. This would be devastating for us both, but I would rather have considered that outcome and be somewhat prepared for it, than to have stuck my fingers in my ears and sang, "la la la la la" in denial.

Here is what we have come up with so far:
1. We will keep a positive attitude for IVF #2 with ICSI, and put all of our efforts into hoping for the best result possible - at least 1 healthy embryo.
2. If IVF #2 does not result in a baby, we will continue to try IVF as long as my insurance covers it and my RE advises us to keep going. Of course, this assumes that I haven't gone completely insane from hormones, disappointment, and ovaries the size of grapefruits.
3. When we have exhausted our IVF options, we will switch tracks completely.

For us, it feels right to turn our sights to a totally different goal before we discuss highly expensive and stressful options like adoption: home ownership.

I should backtrack. KG and I met when I was 21, in my last year of college. Although both of us have wonderful families who love us dearly, neither of us have been lucky enough to have much financial support from them since graduation. It just isn't in the cards, as much as they (and we) wish they could help. Instead, we have been on our own to pay for housing, cars, graduate school (por moi), etc. In some ways, this is a good thing. We are completely independent and work as a team to make our financial lives work. However, each of us brought some credit card debt to our relationship, and that debt (in addition to school debt) has grown over the last 10 years. What do you do when your car needs $2000 worth of repairs and you don't have the cash?

A few years ago, we saw a financial planner who helped us create a basic budget and a plan to pay off the credit cards. Although it has taken longer than expected, we have made tremendous progress and have paid off all but 2 cards. However, paying off the debt made it impossible to put away money for a down payment on a house. Without any assistance from family, lottery winnings, or much higher paying jobs, it feels like a far off dream.

Along the way, we needed to make a decision: do we continue to put our hopes of having children on hold until we pay off the debt? Or, do we try to do both at once? We decided on the latter. We subscribe to the idea that there is no perfect time to have children. Although we may not own a house, we have an extremely stable and spacious rental situation and have relatively steady jobs. Emotionally, we are 100% prepared to be parents and feel that the money piece would be a work in progress. Plus, both of our parents rented when they had children, so it doesn't seem so strange. This may not be an ideal plan for everyone, but that's where we are at. I mean seriously, I watch Teen Mom 2. There are way worse circumstances than ours.

But, if IVF proves to be a failure, switching goals seems necessary.

All those people who love to say "just adopt" can suck it. Private adoption is an incredibly lengthy, emotional, and expensive process, as Katie at from If to when (and many, many others) can testify. Not only can it run into the tens of thousands of dollars for medical, attorney's, and agency fees, it is centered on the idea of selling yourself to birth mothers. It is the ultimate case of screaming, "Pick me! Pick me!" Let's say we managed to save those fees. Without being home owners, I have a feeling we would lose when compared with other couples who have that as a part of their resume. Although the foster care system may be less financially stressful, it comes with a whole other set of considerations. Besides, at that point, I am sure KG and I will be ready to put TTC behind us and focus on some other tangible achievement for a while, returning to the idea of adoption if and when the time felt right for us.

Let me reiterate that we are NOT giving up hope. We know we still have a good chance at having our own biological children. But, I have to tell you, I breathe a big sigh of relief now that I know what we will do if the worst happens.

Although it is no consolation prize, maybe we could even grab a spot on HGTV's House Hunters. That obsession deserves a whole other post.
__________________________________
These lyrics from Grouplove's "Colours" spoke to me when writing this post. If you haven't heard it on the radio, listen up now.

It's the colors you have
No need to be sad.
It really ain't that bad.

It's the colors you have

No need to be sad.
You've still got your hand



25 comments:

  1. I think your plans sound good! While it's not possible to plan for everything, and life has its own ways to show us what our plans are worth, it is comforting to have a wider look at things and some alternative's up one's sleeve.
    I wish you the best of luck for both your IVF plans and your house hunt!

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  2. I think its good to have a plan. I'm a bit of a planner as well. I have to know the next move or have some next plan thought out. It makes me feel safe. Comforted. I do agree there is no right time to have children. And parents helping financially? What's that? For my borther and I once we hit 18 you're on you're own....well for me it was 16 but that was my choice. But I get where you're coming from of having to be independent. There are many of us in that boat and you are strong and a planner. It'll work out. I say make your plans A, B, C and D. Its comforting and gives you a sense of ease and do what's right for you. Good luck with IVF #2!! I'll be keeping fingers crossed for you.

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  3. Hiya. Yep, I have plans too. If IVF #1 doesn't work out we have a free one in August, and if that one doesn't work out we have 1 frostie from IVF #1, and hopefully an addition or two from IVF #2. If that doesn't work out we are all set to foster (in NZ adoption is pretty rare, but we can do 'home for life' which ends up being essentially the same thing), and if that doesn't work I am going to get back into horse riding hard out. So, for me, what you are doing is completely normal! Best of luck on the TTC!

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  4. Hubby and I have talked about quitting everything and doing Peace Corps if this doesn't work out. Or at least teaching English abroad.

    I love your plans. I am a planner, too.

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  5. I'm pretty sure we could be related. I could have written this post! We have a very very similar plan for many of the same reasons (worrier, planner, paying down student loans and credit card debt), with the exception of the house part... because we have two. We each had our own townhouses before we met, both bought before the bubble burst, both underwater, both unsellable at the moment. So now we live in his and rent mine. So far so good, but we are always waiting for the other shoe to drop and we are stuck in this house for a loooooong time. In the current environment, we both agree that home ownership is over-rated. Maybe it will turn around again, but the point of my rambling is for now, don't sweat the house issue. I'd totally rent right now if I were in your shoes and not even sweat it.

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    1. Thanks so much for the encouragement and for commenting. :)

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    2. I'm ALL about planning and then making back up plans to my back up plans. I don't think it's a bad thing at all. For me, it just requires knowing that when I get to plan B or C or D, things may not look the same as they did when I made the plan ahead of time. So I always give myself permission to change the plan (e.g., we just transferred our own embryos back, when we were planning to test things out first with a donor egg cycle...). I don't think you sound neurotic; I think you sound smart. Wishing with everything I've got that the next IVF cycle does the trick and you don't have to go to any contingency plans beyond that!

      Mo

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  6. I'm a worrier and a planner, too! I don't understand why people say it's cynical to always have a Plan B (, C, D, etc). It's called being prepared. And then in a crisis people look to me because - guess what - I am prepared..!!

    Your Plan B sounds great. Focused, still working towards the same ultimate goal, but a different route.

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  7. I think this is a great plan! And what better time to be thinking about homeownership (seriously, I'm currently a homeowner and wish that we had waited until now to jump into this step instead of getting sucked in during the hype in the mid-2000s). In addition, having a plan gives you something to work towards. And I think you're more than realistic about the whole adoption situation. As much as we'd like to believe that adoption is an easy option, it really is it's own roller coaster. So being somewhat prepared is always a good idea.

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  8. Making plans is absolutely essential for this process. There is nothing freaky about it! Well done for being so strong. :-)

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  9. I agree that adoption feels very much like 'pick me pick me' ... it's one the reasons we went with international. Great job paying off credit cards and setting future goals!

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  10. Plan your little heart out. Go for both, plan for both! We house hunted on Saturday and found a perfect 4 bedroom home, perfect for a growing family the agent said.. Ok so maybe we will settle for trying to grow a family! I think I can, I think I can attitude.

    It's a special trait for IF sufferers, to have back up plans for back up plans..

    Best wishes on both events..

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  11. I think having a plan is important. I thought about some things a while back before I got pregnant and think that it's better to have the possibilities in the back of your head. If this next IVF doesn't take, hubby and I will be making some plans for the future. Some plans will involve trying again and others might mean paying off debt and traveling.
    I have hope for you (especially since insurance pays for some of this!), but I admire your outlook on having options.

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  12. I think having extra plans is totally OK! Hey, you could add an even extra plan, where I adopt you and I can take you around the world with me! :) love you bunches.

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  13. I'm totally with you. Having a plan or multiple plans are a good idea. I personally think it really helps keep you moving forward when you don't feel like it.

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  14. Adoption is always expensive and being a military spouse its almost impossible sine I never know how long I'll be at one duty station. I'm glad that you are planning. We are too. Our next WTF appointment is almost here. I'm hoping for some good news. I'm hoping that your next IVF with ICSI will prove fruitful. Thinking of you.

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  15. That sounds like a fantastic well thought out plan. I, like you, also always need a plan.

    I like the House Hunters idea too. Hubby and I can't get enough HGTV. :)

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  16. I don't think people necessarily mean "oh just adopt" in a care-free way (at least that's not EVER how I've meant it when I've brought up the subject). I think it is meant to say, or ask, if you want children so badly and cycles upon cycles of IVF fail (which in your case I hope to all holy hell they don't), would you stop there when there is another option to bring a baby into your life? The ultimate goal is to have a child. If there are loans, something at all, well, at least it's a possibility.

    And any BM would be THRILLED to pick you, please give your life with HRH more credit, you two are amazing people :)

    And I love you, but get in line, I'm ALL over Candice Olsen's Divine Design and Dear Genevive.....if HGTV comes to Boston, they are coming to my house!!!! ;)

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    1. I definitely never took it that way from you, but it has been said to me many times (by other people) with the implication that it was a no-brainer, instead of a totally separate, thoughtful decision. Also, it is often thought that the process is quick, free, and painless. I just don't like the assumption that every IF woman is going to automatically adopt without knowing everything that is involved. You know what I mean?

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  17. Hey! Did you know that on House Hunters they've already chosen the house when they tour the other two? That's why their comments sound like bullshit so much of the time. Because they're either making shit up or not having genuine reactions. I hope this doesn't negatively impact your obsession. I just knew a couple who was on it and they spoiled the fairy tale for me! :)

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    1. You are kidding me?! You must email me with more info. Are they compensated for going on the show?! They never even considered the other 2 homes?!

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  18. WHY is it that babies are so stinking hard to plan? I mean...my ovaries never got the memo. "Two children by 35". Is that REALLY so difficult? Ummm...apparently, yes. It sounds like you've got a really clear view of where you're going...I hope that everything works out for you!

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  19. I'm totally a planner too! Which makes IF crazy difficult to deal with because I can't ever plan what I'll be doing in 9 months. I've also had the IVF/adoption/house debate in my head (especially since my insurance doesn't cover IVF). It's so frustrating that most people won't ever have to make a choice between a house and a child, but we do.

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  20. I find tremendous joy in owning our house, and have found so much comfort making it a home for us during infertility.

    I think it sounds like a GREAT plan.

    You know I love me some HGTV, so I'm all in support of that. :)

    I am just like you and have all my plans in place. If barbados IVF dosen't work out, we're coming back, saving our money and making that dumpy office into a beautiful gender neutral nursery NOW (instead of waiting) and getting on the adoption and waiting train. I think I will be in a much better place knowing I'm ready for my baby anytime, and in the meantime, just making it a happy home for a baby to come into.

    But while your insurance keeps paying for it, GO FOR IT! :)

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