Saturday, November 26, 2011

My Punk-Rock-17-Year-Old-Self

I was responding to this post on Stirrup Queens (which, if you haven't ever read it, is an AMAZING site for IFers) when I got my inspiration for this post.
I have had several versions of myself over the years:
There was my stuck-to-my-mother's-hip-self as a young child.
There was my I'm-a-fat-girl-who-is-too-insecure-to-face-the-mean-girls-at-school-self when I was a 'tween.
There was my (trying to be) punk-rock-riot-grrl-Doc-Marten-wearing-poetry-writing--teenage-self
There was my overacheiver-study-most-of-the-time-and-build-a-new-life-3,000-miles-from-home-college-self
There was the I-like-kids-I-think-teaching-is-my-next-move/graduate-school-self
There was my oh-my-God-I'm-married-and-semi-midlife-crisis-self
There was the all-of-a-sudden-I-am-dying-to-have-a-baby-self
There was the oh-crap-I'm-infertile-and-lost-a-baby-self
Now, there is the I-might-be-barren-but-I-am-rediscovering-my-talent-as-a-writer-self

I think I have a particular fondness for the punk-rock-teenage-self years. This period of time included lots of dyed hair, piercings, tattoos (first of many to come), tickets to see bands (like Sleater-Kinney, Chokebore, Weezer, Hole, Ani DiFranco, etc.) and generally lots of angst. I became much more in tune with who I was, became fiercely independent, and generally felt like I kicked some ass. I wanted to move somewhere far away from my Los Angeles home (check), go to a good college (check), and make some kind of writing career for myself (no check, yet).

Also, I was never one of those women who dreamed of her wedding day. Until I met the hubby, it was sort of something I had as an open possibility, but nothing I had my heart set on. I had a lot of other goals in my life and a man could, or could not, fit into it if I happened to meet someone. Of course, all that changed pretty quickly, once K sucked me in with his big baby blues.

So it clearly follows that I certainly never really seriously thought about having children until I was in my late twenties. I actually went through a brief period of absolutely NOT wanting children. But then, bam. Tick.  Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. The cliche biological clock started and I haven't been able to shut it off since.

But, as I look at my life now (which I think is a pretty damned good one) I think my punk-rock-teenage-self would be shocked at how domestic my goals have become.

She would say, "Making a baby your #1 goal for 2012? Really? Putting your body through IUIs, IVF, etc.? You really want to be changing dirty diapers and giving up sleeping at night? What about jetting off to Paris at a moment's notice? What about becoming a (semi-famous) author?"

The truth is, we never can fly off to Paris at a moment's notice because of work and lack of money. We spent a lot of years sleeping in, drinking too much, being selfish with our time, and generally being young. Right about now, being with K and trying to finally conceive this child feels much more right than wearing my old Doc Martens (which are still in my bedroom, at home in Los Angeles). Plus, as I was recently reminded, the author gig could still happen, if I put my mind to it.

So, my punk-rock-self with have to accept me the way I am, at 31 - a more domestic, blogging, and infertile version of who I used to be. But, I still might have some Manic Panic around here somewhere.

I can't help but toot my own horn for a second here. I was so excited when I saw that Mel at Stirrup Queens gave my post about my grandmother a major shout out in her Friday Blog Round Up.  It is so gratifying to have my writing recognized in the IF community. This made me incredibly happy.


  1. I love this post! I was the same way as a teenager, except I wanted to move to some place like Los Angeles.

    The last couple of paragraphs really hit home with me. I too was completely blind-sided by my biological clock and have been actively pursuing fertility treatments in hopes that something will work. Thanks for sharing.

  2. Awww, man... one the best shows I saw in high school was Weezer at the Roxy. Absolute best. Still love them. I grew up in LA too :)

    So when does your IVF start? I am smack dab in the middle. Lots of luck!

  3. My BCP pack starts December 17th and injections will start in early January I think. Congrats on your cycle! I send you lots of luck.

    The Roxy is awesome, but the Palladium was my fav. Lots of shows there in high school.

    If you ever want to chat about growing up in L.A. email me via my profile :)

  4. Lovely post. I sometimes think about what previous iterations of my persona would think of the baby-starved IFer I've become. I feel like if I could I'd tell myself to go easier on myself, yet it's hard to do that now.

  5. I must say, if you had the same life and priorities that you did when you were a teenager, people might ask some questions. :) I know a few "yous" and incarnations, but I have to say they all kick major ASS. And THAT is something punk-rock-you would be very proud of!

  6. I love hearing about the earlier versions of you! We have a lot in common. What's Paris compared to a baby, anyway?

    I love that Mel gave you a shout-out. Thank you for adding my post to the mix!

  7. I recall a couple of those selves, all very lovable and hug-able! You're awesome. xo

  8. Yeah for people actually reading what we write, right? Isn't it crazy the progression our lives take. Even crazier to think about where we'll be in the next few years!

  9. hey - just wanted to say thanks for stopping by my blog and for your offer of wine and hugs(both a good thing!. I added you to my blogroll and will be rooting you on!

  10. Thank you! I added you to mine as well. Wine is good for aaaaaaaaaaaalmost everything.

  11. Thanks for commenting on my blog! I am your newest follower. I gotta say I just love your writing so far. I think we have a LOT in common. I'll be checkin' in on you. :)

  12. I love this post! I could have written it! I was totally a teenage punk rock riot grrrl and pink Manic Panic was the best! I can't imagine what that younger me would have said when we recently received a big grant to do an amazing project at work and I told my friend "I can't tell you how much I don't care. I just want to have a baby."


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