Sunday!

I got the call this morning that we will transfer on Sunday. When I asked how my embies were doing the nurse said almost all of them were great and that, "You sure have a lot of them!"

So excited!

Suspense

So, I ended up going to work today, because my students had a couple of big events going on. Actually, it is better than being at home. At least at work, I'm distracted. Well, somewhat distracted.

All morning, I have been watching my phone.

Tick, tock. Tick, tock. As the time got closer and closer to noon, I got more and more panicked. Why were they taking so long to call with my fertilization results? Was it bad news again? Last time, my doctor called me with the bad news close to lunchtime...is that why she is waiting? Until she has a break?

I literally felt like I was going to have a panic attack, I became so stressed. 

Then, the call came. I knew it was going to be okay, the minute I saw that the nurses were the ones calling.

So, here's the good news:

Out of the 26 eggs retrieved yesterday, 23 were mature. Out of those 23, 20 fertilized normally.

That's right folks, 20.

We hear Friday morning whether we will do a 3 or a 5 day transfer. Here's hoping the little embies keep on keepin' on.

Looks like all the prayers, vibes, fertility socks, and crossed fingers and toes did the trick.

Do me a favor...keep 'em coming?

"You're an egg machine."

...or so SKB told me via text when I told her they got 26 eggs today. I beat my record.

On the way home, KG and I even treated ourselves to outrageously good doughnuts at our local bakery. Seriously, they are AMAZING.

I'm sore, groggy, and relieved it's over.

Pins and needles until I get the fertilization results tomorrow! In the meantime, DVR and Powerade.

Lucky 100th post

At least I'm hoping it's lucky.

Just got the call from my nurse. Looks like I am in the safe zone with my estrogen levels (2,238 - phew) with lots of follicles on both sides now (still way more on the right - the tech counted 19 on the right and 5 on the left this morning), and "nice, thick lining."

Tonight we trigger.
Tomorrow I channel every positive thought I have.
Retrieval is at 7am Tuesday morning.

Thank you for all your support, comments, and cyber love this week. I really feel all of you holding me up.

Crossing eyes, fingers, and toes.

Anyone interested in an IVF update?

If you aren't into numbers and nitty-gritty, feel free to skip this post. Sometimes I like analyzing numbers, so you'll have to indulge me.

So last cycle, My med protocol looked like this:
BCP for weeks and weeks
Lupron (10iu to start, then 5iu when stims started)
75iu of Menopur and 150iu of Gonal-F for the first 3 days of stimming
150iu of Menopur and 150iu of Gonal-F for the next 7 days
Pregnyl trigger
23 eggs retrieved, 19 mature

That cycle, my estrogen looked like this:
15 (4th day of stims), 187, 404, 1,085, 1,940 (triggered that night) - 11 days of stims

This cycle, the protocol was nearly identical, except for one thing: she started me at 150/150 of Menopur and Gonal-F right off the bat. As a result, my estrogen rose a bit more quickly.

Here have been my estrogen numbers since Monday:
Mon (4th day of stims): 40, 254, 684, today: 1608
Follicle count: 14 on the right, 4 on the left
Largest follicle today: 16mm

The nurse told me to stop Gonal F tonight (but still do 150u of Menopur - fun!). She thinks tonight will be the last night of stims, trigger tomorrow, and retrieval on Tuesday.

We are nearing the finish line.

So, I'm considering taking off both the day of retrieval and the day after. I have 2 reasons:
1. I was in a lot of pain last time. Seriously, I was not prepared to be in that much pain.
2. If our results are similar to last time, I really, really don't want to have to take that call with children all around me. That was so, so awful in January.

Last thought: Please God, let the ICSI work.

I'm curious for the experts to answer this question: With numbers rising this quickly, how worried should I be about OHSS? I mean, they are reducing my stims tonight, but I went from 684 to 1608 in 24 hours.... 
 



Fitting, for the end of a cycle.

The one thing you aren't doing

I've been a little pissed lately. Actually, this issue has been bothering me since I was diagnosed with PCOS. I actually don't write much about my PCOS, because other than taking Metformin, I haven't treated it as an issue separate from my infertility. But, you'll see where this is going.

To start, the problem with PCOS is that it is a moving target. It is different for every patient and it can change over time. For example, my sister and I both have PCOS. Of the many, many symptoms that can exist with PCOS, she had some of the worst ones: cystic ovaries, irregular periods, hair growth, weight gain, thinning hair, hormone imbalance, and more. For me, my symptoms are much fewer: mainly non-existent periods, cystic ovaries, elevated LH, and very minor acne/hairs on my chin. However, I tend to do very PCOSy things in treatment - like develop huge amounts of follicles and cysts after injectables. (As of this morning, I have 14 follicles on my right and 3 on my left, with several more days until trigger. That means I'll probably have a whole lot more than that. Holy shit. It feels like I'm carrying around a grapefruit on that side.)

Because of the wide spectrum of symptoms, PCOS can be widely misunderstood and difficult to treat. The tension always exists with PCOS - do you treat the symptoms, or try to get at the underlying (unknown) issues that cause it? My sister has spent decades researching this crap. Workshops, conferences, books, doctors, message boards - she's done it all. I've done a bit too, and I have to tell you, I'm frustrated. Every single source I read adds more layers of confusion for me. It gets even worse when you compare Eastern Medicine and Western medicine's different perspectives on the subject. Then, try adding in all the supposed "cures" for infertility in general, and you've got a real clusterfuck. I won't bore you with the list...we all know how many different dietary, supplement, and treatment recommendations that exist out there. But lately, I am getting way more heated on this issue.

I have been reading a lot on Twitter, fertility boards, blogs, and the news about how everything I am doing or not doing is the thing that's holding me back from getting pregnant. Whether it is eating organically, being a vegetarian, cutting dairy (or soy, or gluten, or red meat) or eating more of it, taking fish oil, not taking fish oil, losing weight, gaining weight, loading on antioxidants, eliminating caffeine, or indulging in modest amounts of caffeine, apparently it is my fault I'm not pregnant. My gut reaction is to get angry - angry at the fact that I can't seem to find the magic bullet that is keeping me from getting pregnant. Then, my anger turns to self-hatred and disgust when I read about women successfully making some of these very dramatic changes, ending up with babies. How do I know which one? Do I do all of them and never eat a comfort food again? Do I force KG to make these changes too?

Is it just me? Does everyone find these recommendations completely overwhelming?

The hardest recommendation for me though continues to be, "Have a positive attitude."

Mo summed up my own feelings on this beautifully: 
How did I not come up with this on my own? Of course! That’s the magic solution! Think positive thoughts! I’m sure all of the crap that has happened to me is entirely my fault because I didn’t think positively!
Don’t you all just love that little gem of advice? Useless and guilt-inducing all at once! It’s the whole package.

As I near the end of this IVF cycle, I don't know what I'll do if it fails. I feel really lost when I think about it. So for now, I guess I'll try to follow Mo's lead again:

Attempting to “think positively” and the inevitable failure of that attempt will only lead to wallowing and guilt.
So I either think negatively or I don’t think. Period.
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Appropriately, Lost? by Coldplay played on my iPod this morning. This version is gorgeous.

In no particular order...

I am a big jumble of thoughts today. Perhaps it is the hormones. Perhaps it is the effect of 26 ten year olds for 8 hours a day. Who knows? Do you mind if this is a little stream of consciousness?

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I'm injecting away over here. I had my first monitoring appointment on Monday after 3 days on stims, but nothing exciting was happening yet. I get monitored again Wednesday morning. Here's hoping my follicles are waking up a bit in there.

In case you were wondering, Menopur still sucks. Whoever made that medication was a complete masochist.
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I had an amazing conversation with the executive director at Resolve New England this week. We discussed opportunities to volunteer and get involved with advocacy efforts this summer, when I have more time to devote to the cause. This is really exciting for me, and I'm looking forward to it.
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I have been thinking about how easy it is to be hard on ourselves. My first instinct is always to look in the mirror and criticize, insult, and pick myself apart. I would never say the things I say to myself to another person. They are just too mean. What is even worse is how easy it is to fall into patterns like these, then it becomes an ongoing habit. So negative. So harsh.

I think it's time to make a more active effort to be kinder, softer, and more supportive of myself. I started today, by taking myself to the gym, and trying to be proud of myself for putting in a couple of miles on the treadmill. It may not have been a spin class as it might have been a year ago, but it was something.
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If you haven't yet, go over to Searching For Our Silver Lining and give Cristy a big, huge cyber hug. She experienced her second loss this week and could use some love. She is an AMAZING person, who buys the best fertility socks a girl could ask for.

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Mel wrote an excellent post on validation. At the end of her post, she thanked her readers for making her feel as though her words matter. For making her feel as if she matters. She said it more eloquently than I can, but the feeling is the same.

Thank you to everyone who reads this blog, takes a moment to comment, and sends me so much support during all this madness.