The trying not to be cliche Thanksgiving post

I know I've been absent. I know that many of you must think that my absence is because I'm pregnant. I know that it's easy to make excuses.

But, the real deal is that my work life took over my personal life, and I've been nothing but exhausted. No big excuses. I just gave in to that fatigue and gave up one of the things I love most for the last month: blogging. I feel terrible about it and miss it so, so much. I hope to get back to regular blogging soon.

I knew I had to get back here today though. Although I feel grateful every single day, I did turn into a sappy mess this morning. Something about Thanksgiving gave me that extra push to say hello again to the blogosphere and express my deep, deep gratitude to all those who have supported me since my journey began several years ago. Not for one moment do I take for granted all of the love, encouragement, and advice you all gave and continue to give me. It gave me strength when I had none and grounds me to remember where I am here and now. For that, I thank you. I may not be as present here, but I am reading. I send love to every one of you.

I am also thankful for every flip, turn, and kick The Nugget gives me. So many times I was a crumpled, crying mess - never for a second believing I could be this lucky. The infertile in me still winces when I hear complaints about normal pregnancy symptoms from any woman. I have to restrain myself from screaming, "Do you know how lucky you are?! Stop worrying about heartburn and backaches." I've said it before and I'll say it again - I am incredibly fortunate to be where I am, and I would do it again in a heartbeat. Not for one second do I take any of it for granted.

Mostly, I am thankful for His Royal Fabulousness and the amazing strength he shows every single day. He is the one constant in my life and without such a completely committed and steadfast partner, I would have been lost long before we had a miscarriage, 2 failed Clomid cycles, 2 failed IUIs, cysts, and failed fertilization on IVF #1.

So there it is. I'm one happy, thankful, sappy, exhausted woman these days.

I'm not big on pregnancy updates, but here are some bullets for those who like such things:
• My low-lying placenta moved up on it's own. Score!
• The Nugget continues to grow well and measure about a week ahead.
• At yesterday's doctor's appointment it seemed like he had finally turned head down. We'll double check in 2 weeks.
• I had my Boston baby shower about 2 weeks ago. I had friends come in from NY, NJ and even Washington DC for it. It was low-key and so, so fun.
• We completed childbirth class last weekend. We feel much more prepared, or at least not as clueless.
• The nursery is coming together. Compared to some of the AMAZING nurseries you all are building, mine seems downright lame by comparison! But it is warm, cozy, and will work just fine for us. My mom made the amazing curtains and we still have a wall decal to put up, as well as some other decorative pieces. We are still figuring out storage for books and toys. But, here is a peek:

Dr. Seuss theme - Seuss lamp, clock on the wall, and curtains!

My awesome SIL gave us the changing table, dresser, and glider. The crib just happens to match!

Close-up of Seuss fabric. It has a very cute blue border.

I hope you all have an enjoyable Thanksgiving. I know, for some of you, getting through the holidays is really tough. It was for me. Just keep your chin up and hug people close to you.

Emotional Bookends Today

I'm at the end of day two of parent conferences. 16 down, 10 to go. I'm exhausted, but I have to share this.

In the span of one day, I had two experiences that I just can't stop thinking about.

My first conference of the day was for a kid I love. My teaching partner and I sat for a while going through the usual list of topics - social, work habits, math, reading, social studies...you know the deal. Near the end of the meeting the mom shared with us that they are going through the adoption process. In that second, every fiber of my infertile being started to explode with emotion. I was so happy to hear that this wonderful family was opening their home (to an older child!), and so warmed by the excitement on their faces when they discussed it. Then, it dawned on me that this might very well be a situation of secondary infertility. I would never ask that directly. Instead, I asked them whether they knew about RESOLVE's adoption seminars and support groups. Just as I said it, the mom and I had a moment of understanding. She said she hadn't heard about that and wrote down the information, but I swear, I realized right then that she very well might be one of us.

Then, during my last conference of the day, I had the polar opposite explosion of emotions. I sat across from a mother, trying to talk about her son's behavior in class, and all I could think about was the fact that she had a full term still birth two years ago. I remember hearing the announcement from my Head of School vividly. I knew her son casually then, and had only met her in passing. Still, the thought of carrying a baby all the way to delivery and then losing it is just too overwhelming. As we carried out the conference, I realized that I wasn't worried about that happening to me. Instead, I was more worried about how difficult it might be to sit across from me during the conference, with my big belly. I wondered if she was okay with it, or if it hurt her to be in my presence. I wondered how she was doing. I wondered if she would ever try to have another baby. Somehow I resisted the urge to ask her all of those questions, hug her, and tell her that I was so sorry for her loss.

What a day.

The Art of Enjoying the Moment

My dad: "Have you bought yourself a massage yet?"
Me: "No. There is too much else to spend money on. Besides, they are over too quickly."

I have a love/hate relationship with massage. This relationship is indicative of my personality as a whole.  Whenever I am on the table about to start a 60, 90, or even 120 minute massage, I get consumed with the thought that it will be over soon. Even though I am paying serious bucks to enjoy my muscles being worked into submission, my brain takes over and knows that soon it will be done and disappointment sets in. It's almost like I feel the minutes tick by, and therefore the relaxation piece is diminished. This begs the question, what's the point? Why spend the money? Why can't I just enjoy the moment, and focus on the glorious feeling as it happens? Because I get in my own way, once again.

I have had several moments of feeling this way about the pregnancy. I am 30 weeks on Tuesday. 30 weeks already, and I'm kind of sad about it. Even though the whole idea of getting pregnant is to have a healthy baby in my arms at the end, I can't help but feel some sense of loss that the pregnancy itself will soon be over. Granted, I have had it easy: no complications and really very few unpleasant effects. This kid made it easy to enjoy every second. I'm sure that would be different if I had felt ill, been in pain, or had scary events take place that made me end up on bed rest and such. But, none of that happened and therefore I don't want it to end.

I keep getting into a somewhat negative head space that I'm trying to work through. The pace of this fall hasn't helped matters. Work has been more stressful than it's ever been in all my years of teaching. Days blend together, linked by school events: field trips, progress reports, class play, and next week's conferences. Plus, in the last two months, I've flown to Los Angeles twice for my first baby shower and a wedding. Already, we are near Halloween and I've barely had time to breathe, let alone blog, reflect, take belly shots, or do any nursery preparation. Many days, after working for 10 hours or more (anyone who calls teachers lazy is ignorant), I realize I haven't had time to think about the baby once. Then, I stare at our to-do list (like meeting 2 pediatricians next week and getting our carpet cleaned) and know that somehow we have to get these things done, yet as we check each thing off the list, The Nugget is that much closer to being outside of me. I had a vivid dream about how it would feel to no longer be pregnant, and I woke up nearly in tears. How could this all have gone by so quickly?

I just get angry at how my brain works. Why can't I just be happy and focus on the now? Why do I let my anxiety and psyche take over, eclipsing the joy in the moment? Why can't I just enjoy the massage, without anticipating its end? I don't think I'll ever really understand this part of my personality, but I sure wish I could make it stop.

I keep trying to tell myself that the next step will feel as special as having him in my belly. That although I won't feel his kicks during a stressful workday, I'll get to hug and kiss him. Even though KG won't rub my belly and look at me like I'm the prettiest pregnant woman on earth, he'll see me as a pretty hot mom. Even though we won't have these quiet moments just the two of us, three will make it even better. Anything to make it seem like I haven't wasted these precious moments, which may or may not ever happen again.

After all, as an infertile, we don't take these things for granted. I am grateful every day for where I am, and know how easily it could have gone another way. We could still be waiting for a BFP. I could still be stuck in treatment hell. We could have given up altogether by now, and chosen to be child free. But instead, we were blessed and have managed to get to the third trimester. We just spent so much time and effort to get to this point, I would hate to think I let it pass me by in the blink of an eye. I just don't know how to slow the clock.

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I put the latest ultrasound pic up on The Nugget's page, along with an infant pic of KG. Check out the resemblance. It's uncanny.

Suspense over!

This is a quickie because it is a crazy week for us, so here are bullets:

Good News

• Okay...enough suspense. I am incredibly excited and proud to announce that I participated in Episode 7 of the Bitter Infertiles! I had an incredible time taking part in the discussion and you should all go listen. Even better, subscribe on iTunes!

• I passed my 1 hour glucose test with flying colors yay!

Bad News

• My placenta is still low. It isn't previa, but it's close. There is still a chance that it will move up, but they are talking about a possible c-section. I know the most important thing is a healthy Nugget but I have to tell you, it's bumming me out. Still, I'm trying to keep some hope about resolution and they are checking it again in 4 weeks.

We are off to Los Angeles one last time tonight for my cousin's wedding. What a whirlwind month October has turned out to be!

Giddy

I'm really, really excited about an opportunity I was given today. I'll post again soon with specifics, but let's just say I had the chance to connect with two other bloggers whom I respect and admire. It was an amazing experience. More details to come!

In the meantime, please:
1. Go join Cristy's fall sock exchange. It's an uplifting experience that I have participated in a lot, and am happy to do again.
2. Please give some support to Mrs. Green Grass. She could use all the love and hugs she can get.
3. Go congratulate Shelly on her BFP. I'm completely thrilled for her!

Tuesday I go for my 1 hour glucose testing and 28 week ultrasound, to see if my placenta moved up on it's own. Wish me luck on both!

"So, will you stay home?"

I have been asked this question a lot lately, mostly at work. For reference, my school is in a very wealthy suburb of Boston, and for the most part, women (although we have a couple of stay at home fathers) stay home when they have children. Not to say there aren't any working moms, but even those women usually stayed home for some extended period of time when they had babies. Additionally, there has been a series of teachers at school who quit after their maternity leave. So, I get it. They are asking a logical question. Often, it is even followed by a heartfelt expression of how disappointing it would be if I did stay home. It is meant to be an earnest question and one that is even a compliment.

But, here's the rub.

It's starting to become a painful topic, and one that brings regret and guilt to the surface. For KG and I, it is just not an option for one of us to stay home. Financially, it would be disastrous. I've discussed here before how we have been on our own (money-wise) since we were 18 and each brought some debt to our relationship. In the 11+ years we have been together, our debt grew. We have spent the last several years chipping away at it with moderate success, both working full-time, medium-ish income jobs. But, there is still a long way to go, and that isn't even touching my education debt, which I'm pretty sure I'll have until I'm 80.

We are not lazy, careless, or extravagant people. We rent, we have taken one major vacation in over a decade, KG drives a '97 Camry, and I'm in an '03 CRV. High rollers over here. But, it seems like no matter how conservative we are, we can only get so far. There is no possibility of family help with things like a house, etc. It's just us, trying to make it work. So, living on one income just isn't an option. Do I regret not being more careful with money in my late teens and early/mid twenties? Yes. Do I wish one of us made a lot more money (i.e. went into a more lucrative career path?) Yes. But, we are where we are.

Even when I fantasize about being able to stay home, I get a crushing blow of reality. For example, I was in the car trying to imagine a scenario where it might work, i.e. "What if I never ate out again? What if we rented for another 5 years?" Then, it hit me. ALL of our benefits (medical, dental, retirement) are through my job. KG works for a small company that offers none of these. So, even if we figured out some hypothetical way to make being a stay at home parent work, it would not be me that got that opportunity. That brought a wave of sadness. This is a done deal.

The kicker is that BOTH of us would kill for the CHOICE to be a stay-at-home parent for any significant length of time. I've mentioned how head-over-heels in love with this baby KG is, and I'm pretty sure he would carry the baby and give birth himself if he could. He would be an incredible stay-at-home dad. And I have no idea how I'll feel during my maternity leave. Maybe I'll be dying to go back to work, or maybe I'll feel crushed at the thought. There is no way to predict that now, with no experience in this area. But given the current economy, and the lack of governmental support for new parents, this is the way it is. There is no choice for us.

Sometimes I think people (those I work with, and even some commenters on this blog) assume everyone has this choice. Some have even insinuated that I am selfish or strange for going back to work and leaving The Nugget in daycare (and with my father-in-law 2 days per week) this spring. I get those questions like, "Are you sure you want to do that? I would never leave my baby with strangers," and my heart sinks. They just don't know how lucky they are to be able to make that decision purely based on preference, and not on survival.

Is their perspective skewed? Don't most people have to work when they have kids? 

There's another layer to this. The infertile layer. I had to work for years to have this baby. We went through so much pain and disappointment to get this far. And yet, because of our financial situation, I am sacrificing some really important time with the baby. I suppose I am luckier than most - I get 8 to 10 weeks off in the summer to be with The Nugget. But still, it feels like after all we've been through, it feels like a loss to not get to be with him 100% of the time.

These are the times when I wish I had a rewind button and could make different choices at ages 20, 21, 22... which might have left us with more options. But, instead, I've got to come to terms with the place we are in, which compared to many isn't so bad. Right?

MIA, Back To School madness, and Dr. Seuss

That's me. Ever since I set foot back in school, I've been completely MIA from the blogosphere. I feel incredibly guilty about this, and I miss you all, but something had to give in September.

Every start of school is stressful - the setting up of the classroom, faculty meetings, lesson planning, parent meetings, Back To School Night, and everything else take an incredibly long time to get under way. I knew that this school year would be tough being pregnant. But, the baby isn't even an issue. It is really all those normal factors, combined with the addition of a brand new math curriculum (nothing like making a teacher with 8 years of experience feel like a rookie) and an iPad pilot project in my classroom that makes me feel like I'm drowning. All I can do is make it from work to home, eat, and go to sleep at night. I've been waking up at 6, arriving at school around 7am, leaving around 5pm, and in bed by 9pm. Trying to squeeze in time to cook, keep our place clean, spend SOME time with KG, and you know, breathe, has been tough. I won't get into how much work I'm bringing home and how my Sundays are spent making Smartboard demonstrations for math class. These are the times that people who criticize teachers for having 8 weeks off in the summer can suck it.

In the middle of all that, I flew home to Los Angeles for my first baby shower.

I was thrilled to go, but missing work this close to the start of school just added to my anxiety. Putting that aside, while I was there, I hit 100 degree weather, saw some friends, spent time with my family, and slept like a baby. My best friend, her partner, and my mom hosted this awesome Dr. Seuss themed brunchy shower and it was wonderful. The BFF and partner did all the decorations, delicious food and drinks, and handled the RSVP details. It was intimate (only about 10 people), mellow, and was sans embarrassing taste-the-baby-food games. Just what I requested.

Then, there was the cake. 10 years ago, my mother made my sister's wedding cake, after taking Wilton classes and practicing for months beforehand. Because I got married in Boston, she couldn't do the same for me. But, guess what she did for the baby shower?

Can you believe it?

The Cake Boss would be jealous!

Mom, me, and my sister

While I was gone, KG spent hours starting the process of physical transformation at our place. He scrubbed, labored, sneezed, and moved Mt. Baby (as we are calling the huge collection of baby gear donated to our cause) into the beginnings of our new office so it doesn't take over our living room. Soon, we'll finish cleaning out the old office (aka the future nursery), move our wireless access to the new office, clean the carpet in the nursery, build the crib, pick up the changing table/glider/ottoman/dresser from SIL, organize Mt. Baby, and make a home for this little guy. I know theoretically we have time for all this, but the weeks seem to be flying by, and the to-do list just seems to grow. Have I mentioned we haven't started looking for a pediatrician yet?

Every time I get overwhelmed with these details, I try to take a breath and remind myself of how fortunate we are. If you told me at the beginning of my infertility treatments in January of 2010 that I would be lucky enough to even HAVE a baby shower, I would have laughed in your face. I can't describe the deep feeling of gratitude I have for every single kick, nudge, and flip The Nugget does in my belly. I also ache for my blogger friends who have experienced a recent loss, have ended their journey, or are still trying for a BFP. Belle, Sometimes, Trisha, Toni,  Mo, Sunny, Cristy, Detour, and more. I hold you close ladies and send you whatever support I can.

I leave you with the new Mumford and Sons song that I am obsessed with, "I Will Wait." This song could have been my anthem during treatments. Enjoy.