Saturday, October 20, 2012

The Art of Enjoying the Moment

My dad: "Have you bought yourself a massage yet?"
Me: "No. There is too much else to spend money on. Besides, they are over too quickly."

I have a love/hate relationship with massage. This relationship is indicative of my personality as a whole.  Whenever I am on the table about to start a 60, 90, or even 120 minute massage, I get consumed with the thought that it will be over soon. Even though I am paying serious bucks to enjoy my muscles being worked into submission, my brain takes over and knows that soon it will be done and disappointment sets in. It's almost like I feel the minutes tick by, and therefore the relaxation piece is diminished. This begs the question, what's the point? Why spend the money? Why can't I just enjoy the moment, and focus on the glorious feeling as it happens? Because I get in my own way, once again.

I have had several moments of feeling this way about the pregnancy. I am 30 weeks on Tuesday. 30 weeks already, and I'm kind of sad about it. Even though the whole idea of getting pregnant is to have a healthy baby in my arms at the end, I can't help but feel some sense of loss that the pregnancy itself will soon be over. Granted, I have had it easy: no complications and really very few unpleasant effects. This kid made it easy to enjoy every second. I'm sure that would be different if I had felt ill, been in pain, or had scary events take place that made me end up on bed rest and such. But, none of that happened and therefore I don't want it to end.

I keep getting into a somewhat negative head space that I'm trying to work through. The pace of this fall hasn't helped matters. Work has been more stressful than it's ever been in all my years of teaching. Days blend together, linked by school events: field trips, progress reports, class play, and next week's conferences. Plus, in the last two months, I've flown to Los Angeles twice for my first baby shower and a wedding. Already, we are near Halloween and I've barely had time to breathe, let alone blog, reflect, take belly shots, or do any nursery preparation. Many days, after working for 10 hours or more (anyone who calls teachers lazy is ignorant), I realize I haven't had time to think about the baby once. Then, I stare at our to-do list (like meeting 2 pediatricians next week and getting our carpet cleaned) and know that somehow we have to get these things done, yet as we check each thing off the list, The Nugget is that much closer to being outside of me. I had a vivid dream about how it would feel to no longer be pregnant, and I woke up nearly in tears. How could this all have gone by so quickly?

I just get angry at how my brain works. Why can't I just be happy and focus on the now? Why do I let my anxiety and psyche take over, eclipsing the joy in the moment? Why can't I just enjoy the massage, without anticipating its end? I don't think I'll ever really understand this part of my personality, but I sure wish I could make it stop.

I keep trying to tell myself that the next step will feel as special as having him in my belly. That although I won't feel his kicks during a stressful workday, I'll get to hug and kiss him. Even though KG won't rub my belly and look at me like I'm the prettiest pregnant woman on earth, he'll see me as a pretty hot mom. Even though we won't have these quiet moments just the two of us, three will make it even better. Anything to make it seem like I haven't wasted these precious moments, which may or may not ever happen again.

After all, as an infertile, we don't take these things for granted. I am grateful every day for where I am, and know how easily it could have gone another way. We could still be waiting for a BFP. I could still be stuck in treatment hell. We could have given up altogether by now, and chosen to be child free. But instead, we were blessed and have managed to get to the third trimester. We just spent so much time and effort to get to this point, I would hate to think I let it pass me by in the blink of an eye. I just don't know how to slow the clock.

I put the latest ultrasound pic up on The Nugget's page, along with an infant pic of KG. Check out the resemblance. It's uncanny.


  1. I definitely understand the teaching stress - I feel it all the time. I inderstand how you feel about the massage and I am definitely not a live in the moment person - ALWAYS have to be thinking of the next thing. Hope you can fin some time in your hectic schedule to just sit and enjoy xox

  2. I know what you mean. This pregnancy is going by so fast, and although I'm uncomfortable, i love being pregnant and having the opportunity to be pregnant. I cant believe in just 8 weeks, it will be over. I see people getting bfp and even though i had terrible morning sickness all day long, i long to see two pink lines again someday. There is SO much to look forward to, but you are so right, these quiet grateful moments are so wonderful right now.

    Good luck finding a ped! Still on my list of to dos! :)

  3. I remember feeling the same way...wanting everything to slow down. Sorry to say it feels the same once they are here, like: Stop growing already! (even with my delayed girl!) I did a daily meditation with my pregnancy that helped...xo

  4. So...I do the same thing, but I did (impulsively) make an appointment for a massage recently. Afterward, the massage therapist said that many of her prenatal clients return every 3 weeks or so. I smiled, knowing that will never happen.

    But...if you ever need a partner-in-pampering-crime, let me know!

  5. I totally am the same way when getting a massage! You can only do your best to slow things down, live in the moment and appreciate the NOW. Enjoy as much as you can, but know that you'll still probably miss some things when they're gone and that's okay too. I think once the baby comes you'll be in such a wonderful whirlwind, you'll find there's s o much more to appreciate.

  6. OMG, I was thinking all of this just yesterday! I think we are twins...honestly. I am the same way about massages, which is why I get the longest ones I can. I also have had such a great pregnancy that I don't want it to be over!

    And we are only days apart. If only we could slow time down...I would love another 6 months. Thank goodness someone else is feeling all these things. I thought I was crazy to want to prolong pregnancy and wait a bit longer to see baby boy.

  7. I had written this comment much more thoughtfully yesterday from my phone, and then it didn't post. I'll see if I can recreate it.

    I so know that anxious feeling. I had an entire conversation with myself the other morning, feeling sad that my husband's paternity leave is nearing an end, and that we had one less day together at home as a family. It's an ongoing struggle to remind myself to focus on how wonderful the days we've already had as a family have been, to really enjoy each and every moment, instead of focusing on time running out. If you ever figure out how to do it, please share!

    I can tell you though, that as much as I miss feeling Luigi's little kicks, and hiccups inside my belly, being able to cuddle him, look into his eyes, and hear his little grunts and coos are a completely sufficient replacement.

    And, if you do decide you want a massage, I found a great woman in Waltham who is also a doula, though she herself is in her third trimester, so I'm not sure how much longer she'll be working.

  8. I really feel like I could've written this post. I'm the same way about massages. And vacations. And time off of work. I have a hard time enjoying things because I'm worried about when they will end. I too am anxious about not being pregnant. I really can't wait to meet our little boy, but I'm anxious and not really even for motherhood. I'm anxious about what I will be like NOT pregnant. I really enjoy it, and it's funny, but I already think about the next time, if I'm blessed enough to get a next time. I'm not sure what to do or if anything can be done to change this part of who I am, but I'm pretty sure a post-baby therapy session will be in my future.

    You're not alone :)

  9. Oh funny bc I just scheduled a massage for tomorrow! I love them so much! I do find myself worrying about things being over when it comes to events or time with my family. My husband teases me about it and I know I need to just live in the moment...but it's hard!

  10. Living in the moment is hard to do. I think it must be a human thing. I know at least that my husband comments about it to me often. snce my pregnancy and now with me little one here, I've been trying to be in the present and enjoy what is going on right now. Sometimes I'm successful, other times no so much.

    Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy! I know I thoroughly enjoyed mine (except for the 41st week. *grin*).


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