The summer was beautiful. Not only did New England weather cooperate 90% of the time, but LF and I spent 2+ magical months together. He was excited, happy, and as cooperative as a toddler can be. Tantrums were few, the days were filled with field trips, and we grew incredibly close. So close, as times, it was to the exclusion of others. I felt almost guilty about how much I ate up all the mommy love.
I also made some new friends, saw some of my old friends, got a small amount of exercise, blogged a bit, got things done, made phone calls, wrote emails, had play dates...you get the idea.
But, like all good things, it had to come to an end.
I knew my return to my classroom would change things. I thought I was prepared for those changes.
I wasn't.
These days I am having a very hard time keeping my head above water with my classroom, my home, and everything in between. Returning communications of all kind takes days (or weeks) and I feel a pretty constant guilt as a result.
Mostly though, I can not describe how much I miss my boy. I know he is in good hands with his grandparents while I work, but it just isn't the same. Getting daily email updates of his adventures, moods, and meals just isn't the same as being there myself.
But it isn't just missing him that is making me sad.
Somehow in the transition of me going back to work, the mommy love has been dialed down. A lot. It has been replaced with more frequent tantrums and a sudden shift in affection. It seems as though we are firmly in a daddy love phase right now. As much as I am thrilled that LF is back to being attached at the hip with KG, I wish he would make some room for me. I know it is common, probably fleeting, and that I shouldn't take it personally. Still, it stings.
I'm trying hard not to pull the "I was in labor with you for 3 days with over 3 hours of pushing" card here. Okay, I guess I did just pull that card. But really, I just see these days as so fleeting. There will probably be years of LF not wanting anything to do with me (adolescence comes to mind). So, I'm feeling kind of desperate to squeeze every kiss and hug out of this kid right now.
So, I've been going out of my way to make more quality time with him. Trying to make every minute of our drastically reduced time together count.
Slowly, we will all readjust and the pendulum will find the middle, right?
I'm finding it hard to adjust with school starting too. I miss my kids immensely most days and hate that I miss those moments that I get pictures of. What is helping is a couple of things. One is family day, which is one work-free day that we all spend together. Another is remembering the long-term goals for our family, which requires me to continue building my career.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. This too will pass and you will find the middle again.
I hear you friend. I am not so lucky as to have a chunk of time off with C, but I do know what it is to miss him and the good times you share. These kids of ours really know how to hurt our feelings don't they? Coop doesn't obviously choose either me or M right now, but he does aim his negativity and tantrums at me. He will act so naughty with me and is fine with M. You know I have told you about my many break downs, it happens to a lot of parents. This too shall pass. Hang in there my friend and call whenever you need to.
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