I've been struggling with writing for the blog lately. I'm going to be totally honest here. For the most part, when I was still struggling to get pregnant, posts about pregnancy were incredibly difficult for me. Yes, I was happy for those women, and it was important for me to see that infertility could have a positive outcome. But, in the moment, it was gut wrenching. The support I needed and wanted was not from those blogs. They were from others still in the trenches with me. I had guilt about that fact, but it was the truth. So, I spent more of my time commenting and reading blogs of women still in the trenches because I felt I had something to contribute to their conversations, and not so much to the others.
Now that I am pregnant, I have been feeling very unsure of my footing. On one hand, I worked damn hard to get here. I endured years of disappointment, physical and emotional pain, and a loss. I deserve to enjoy my pregnancy and am starting to fantasize about sharing the news with more people. We have been giddy as we listen to the heartbeat of our baby on doppler (too often) and I'm even tempting fate by planning a tentative date for a baby shower in Los Angeles, thrown by my mom. These small steps are helping me to begin some attachment.
On the other hand, when reading posts by some fellow pregnant bloggers, it's difficult for me to connect. I'm going to preface my next statements by saying I care about and adore my blogger friends. The way people react to and write about their pregnancies is very personal and there is no right way to do it. So, I mean no disrespect or criticism when I say that while I love reading about symptoms, belly shots, and nursery plans of other people, it doesn't feel natural yet for me to focus my posts on those subjects. But, that's what I'm supposed to write about. Right?
Maybe it's because I have had very few, and very subtle symptoms. Maybe it's because I'm still incredibly cautious and worried about jinxing my pregnancy. Maybe it's because I'm a fatty and can't really see anything but muffin top yet. Whatever it is, I'm feeling a little alone in bloggie-land because I don't have a whole lot to say right now. There's a voice in my head that it telling me that's wrong. I should be full of excitement and bubbling over with all kinds of details to share. But, they just aren't there. Not yet.
Before my pregnancy, I thought that once I got pregnant, I would be a member of a special club. I expected to feel special and different. But, when all is said and done, I feel like very little has changed for me psychologically. Although I have put a part of my infertile experience behind me, what's left behind is the otherness that infertility creates inside of you. Only now, I don't belong with those still trying to conceive, nor do I feel as though I belong with those who got pregnant around the same time I did. I'm just here, wondering if anyone else is feeling the way I am.
But who knows? Maybe when I am out of the first trimester (in 10 days, but who's counting) it'll feel safer to do some of those more fun updates more often. Maybe then what will be left behind will be more of the original hope and excitement we had before all this began.