Saturday, June 16, 2012

What's Left Behind

I've been struggling with writing for the blog lately. I'm going to be totally honest here. For the most part, when I was still struggling to get pregnant, posts about pregnancy were incredibly difficult for me. Yes, I was happy for those women, and it was important for me to see that infertility could have a positive outcome. But, in the moment, it was gut wrenching. The support I needed and wanted was not from those blogs. They were from others still in the trenches with me. I had guilt about that fact, but it was the truth. So, I spent more of my time commenting and reading blogs of women still in the trenches because I felt I had something to contribute to their conversations, and not so much to the others.

Now that I am pregnant, I have been feeling very unsure of my footing. On one hand, I worked damn hard to get here. I endured years of disappointment, physical and emotional pain, and a loss. I deserve to enjoy my pregnancy and am starting to fantasize about sharing the news with more people. We have been giddy as we listen to the heartbeat of our baby on doppler (too often) and I'm even tempting fate by planning a tentative date for a baby shower in Los Angeles, thrown by my mom. These small steps are helping me to begin some attachment.

On the other hand, when reading posts by some fellow pregnant bloggers, it's difficult for me to connect. I'm going to preface my next statements by saying I care about and adore my blogger friends. The way people react to and write about their pregnancies is very personal and there is no right way to do it. So, I mean no disrespect or criticism when I say that while I love reading about  symptoms, belly shots, and nursery plans of other people, it doesn't feel natural yet for me to focus my posts on those subjects. But, that's what I'm supposed to write about. Right?

Maybe it's because I have had very few, and very subtle symptoms. Maybe it's because I'm still incredibly cautious and worried about jinxing my pregnancy. Maybe it's because I'm a fatty and can't really see anything but muffin top yet. Whatever it is, I'm feeling a little alone in bloggie-land because I don't have a whole lot to say right now. There's a voice in my head that it telling me that's wrong. I should be full of excitement and bubbling over with all kinds of details to share. But, they just aren't there. Not yet.

Before my pregnancy, I thought that once I got pregnant, I would be a member of a special club. I expected to feel special and different. But, when all is said and done, I feel like very little has changed for me psychologically. Although I have put a part of my infertile experience behind me, what's left behind is the otherness that infertility creates inside of you. Only now, I don't belong with those still trying to conceive, nor do I feel as though I belong with those who got pregnant around the same time I did. I'm just here, wondering if anyone else is feeling the way I am.

But who knows? Maybe when I am out of the first trimester (in 10 days, but who's counting) it'll feel safer to do some of those more fun updates more often. Maybe then what will be left behind will be more of the original hope and excitement we had before all this began.


  1. I think what you're feeling is normal. I've literally had to force myself to make a post about this pregnancy because I look back on my last pregnancy and realize I didn't document it in any way at all. I don't know how I made it to 28 weeks without documenting anything in my journal or even taking a picture of myself for the entire 28weeks. I look back on it and all I have is an urn full of ashes and I regret not having done more. So for this pregnancy, though its still quite early I'm forcing myself to at least document it. Even though I'm scared to death.
    I think when you're ready to the feeling will come. Don't be hard on yourself, sometimes its hard to go from one side to the other, the transition isn't always easy and we don't always connect with whats all happening right away. Take your time and know you're not alone in what you're feeling.

  2. I think you belong to both clubs and it may take some more time of being pregnant for you to feel more confident in the pregnant club.

    I can only speak for myself and no one else. Still being in the ttc to club, I also love reading about the baby bumps and how big baby is this week etc. I think it truly gives me some sort of hope for the future. If it doesn't, then I know truly deserving woman are experiencing it and that also makes my heart happy.

    Sorry you are struggling with a trying to belong. Just know that regardless, you shouldn't feel guilty. We all started these blogs because we suffer from infertility and we all have the goal of getting pregnant.

    Good luck :)

  3. I feel the exact same way as you. In fact, I have found myself not updating my blog for the past couple of weeks because I just don't know how to. I don't want to seem nonchalant or not happy about my pregnancy, yet I don't want to boast and overshare when I know I have readers still struggling TTC and dealing with losses. I also don't know how to let my fears go and enjoy this time that I've fought so hard to experience. You are definitely not alone in how you feel!

  4. I am posting about symptoms, but mostly because they are all consuming. But i still feel very disconnected from everything. I don't know when it'll change...when/if I can feel the baby move? Or maybe not until I have a real live baby in my arms. Because it still seems kind of like a fantasy.

    I think it's totally normal to be where you are at. You feel what you feel...

  5. I absolutely agree with the others. I think it's natural for you to feel the way you're feeling, and I can very much relate.
    The first trimester especially is so hard psychologically, you're happy and joyful and hoping for the best, yet at the same time full of anxiety.
    While I'm smack in the middle of the second trimester, with viability only a little more than 3 weeks away (boy, does it feel strange to write this!), I still feel a little stuck between both worlds. Though I think I'm finally closer to the "Pregnant Club", especially since starting prenatal yoga this week. Also, it helps having a very noticable baby bump and feeling baby move at least every now and then. Yet the disconnect is still there pretty often.
    I've also had trouble posting, and with my pregnancy already in it's second half, I yet have to do a "bumpdate" post or enclose a bumpshot or US pic in a post instead of putting them on my US-and-bumpshot-page.

  6. Such a totally honest post. And relatable. I think we are all with you with this one - honestly, it doesn't matter what stage in the game we're at, we always will connect best with the people who are sharing the same moments that we are. The same fears, anxiety, heartache and happiness. I'm heading into my first IVF next month, and I've had to let go in some way to some of the people I felt most connected to in bloggerland a few months ago. A few weeks ago. A few days ago. Because everything is constantly evolving, for all of us. No matter where you are on this journey, you are always one step ahead and one step behind and right on pace with someone.

    I'm glad you shared this, because I think this is something we all feel inside. Happiness and hope for everyone around us and for ourselves. Anxiety and angst at others' successes in the face of our own failure. Feeling guilt for our own successes. It's such a roller coaster ride.

    I think it's absolutely 100% ok to feel how you're feeling. Don't discount the journey you've been through and the journey you're on, and all the emotions (and hormones) that you've been put through. You are doing great and we are so excited to see you grow into a lovely new mama. Looking forward to the baby bump pics very soon. Hugs.

  7. I've been quietly reading along with you. After IVF, I'm about one week behind where you are. There's part of me that hopes you won't become the cheerleading saccharine pregnant lady, I think I wouldn't be able to relate anymore. I think after years of trying to conceive, pregnancy can't feel like planning a big wedding, or some kind of party. We lost that simple pleasure.

    For me, I also think that IVF makes the whole baby journey so public. Your body goes to science, the magic becomes more a science experiment than a night of oops romance. For me, the IVF blogs have helped me cope, have helped me find an outlet for something that would be otherwise bottled up. But the thing is, now that I'm actually pregnant, it's like I want to try and recover as much of my privacy as I can. I want the intimacy back. It's the only way to make up for what I gave up in trying to get here and any 'publicity' seems to trivialize this baby. It may be unfair, but I think we will never feel like regular pregnant women, even if now we are. And that's our prerogative for all that we have done to be here. When someone says to me 'was it an accident' my response will always be more fierce. When someone says ooh you must be so excited, I think they have no idea how grateful I am. ooh you must be so proud- I am not sure what that means anymore. I am proud in a way that only those like yourself could ever understand.

    That all said, it is nice to know someone is in the in between with me. Here's to the end of first trimester.

  8. I agree with what's been said above: after years on this journey, what you're feeling is completely normal. Lady, unfortunately you know now too much about what can go wrong! And you know how much it can hurt to desire a baby and yet what everyone and their mother go on to become pregnant while you struggle. Something I wish on no one.

    Many a IF blogger has had to come to the crossroads of what to do with their blog. Some blog happily about their pregnancy and transition into mommy bloggers. Other's chose to continue to focus on infertility, talking openly about being pregnant infertiles and how being in this stage is affecting them. And some do crazy interesting things with their blogs that completely fit their personalities. The post is, this is your space and you need to do with it what fits best for you. Just know that, no matter what you do, I fully intend on following and commenting on every post.

    Congratulations on hitting this milestone and hoping the second trimester is one filled with many wonderful memories!

  9. I could have written this post too. You are not alone.

  10. I think how you are feeling is totally normal. You might not want to, but I feel you still belong. Maybe it's just me, but I enjoy reading when the IF community crosses into the pregnant blogger. It makes me happy and gives me hope. All I know is whatever you write about I enjoy and will be here reading and waiting for updates and pics if you want to do them.

  11. I agree with everyone. Do whatever you are comfortable with and whenever you are comfortable with it.

    From my perspective, going through my journey gave me the right to complain about the negatives of pregnancy, even as I was grateful for it and didn't want to take it for granted. I also totally respect that others don't feel that way; that they want to project gratitude over any other emotion.

    Also, becoming mommy has totally eaten my blogging mojo so while I transitioned to mommy blog, there's not much going on as my LO comes up on 2.

    One thing I do wish, unrelated to blogging, is that I had taken belly profile pictures more regularly, and thought to take one before we headed to the hospital (in my defense it was 3AM, and I was only at 33.5 weeks so I was panicking that something had gone terribly wrong, but no, LO was just ready to meet the world. Frankly, she keeps doing things on her own time/terms now; I should have known that was going to be the way it went after the way she was conceived).

  12. I can relate. I have started documenting the progress of this pregnancy more for my baby, than myself. It feels surreal to write about and I am not super comfortable with it yet...even though I have been here before. My symptoms are subtle also, so I feel like I am reaching for things some days.
    Just write about whatever you feel like. Perhaps the preggo blog posts will come.

  13. I loved this post - so honest as always. Still love reading your blog so please don't stop writing! xxx

  14. You are not 'meant' to write about anything. Write what comes from your heart.

  15. I'm not sure why this post brought tears to my eyes but it did. I think it is a combination of 2 things...I'm really happy for you. That you are almost out of the 1st trimester, it is important for me to see that things can work out...but at the same time I'm not where you are even though I should be.

    I hope that doesn't make you feel bad because it is not meant too. I'm just relating to what you have said. I am happy for all my girls...but sad for me. I can only hope that one day I am right where you the mean time please keep writing. Write for you, not for the community. This is an exciting time for you and you should share every bit of it because you DESERVE this happiness.

  16. Even if you do transition to being a mommy bloger, and post less often, I think the # of responses here is a great indication as to how many people love your writing - how many people feel exactly the way you do, and how people enjoy reading what you have to say. That's a great compliment! So as you are feeling unsettled in these days, know that you are not alone at all.

    All that being said, I think you are funny as heck, and I bet once the nugget gets here you will have lots of funny and brutally honest things to blog about. Parenthood is scary and my perception is that people get it wrong all the time, but over-all, they are getting it right and are happy raising lots of little nuggets.

    My friend from college I talk about often, she transitioned to a light-hearted mommy blog after her adoptions, and it's a great place for me to feel like I'm more in touch with her and her family even though I'm far away. Could prove great to you with your LA family. Also, she (as I assume many do) does really great letters every 6 months or so (milestones) to her daughters as to what they are doing in their little lives - someone above mentioned this - keeping the blog for your nugget to one day read. I think that is AWESOME, cause as we get older, we forget so many things, and wouldn't it be a shame to forget some of the little things?

    Much love.


Shout it, shout it, shout it out loud!