Thursday, April 11, 2013

Days are running out

Since I last wrote, lots of changes have been under way. Bullets seem like the most efficient way to summarize the last month of my life:

• Little Fab's reflux FINALLY improved. After a consult with a pediatric gastroenterologist, we found that his dosage of medication was too low, and the way it was compounded affected the potency of the medication dramatically. So, after changing both, and over two weeks of waiting, LF can finally eat comfortably. It has only been in the last week or so that we've seen this dramatic change, which means I can feel okay about daycare being able to feed him. More on this below. I can not emphasize how horrible his feedings were before now. For all of March I was the only person who could feed him, because of his screams, back arching, writhing, etc. and I could not feed him in public. I felt so isolated and hopeless. I am beyond ecstatic that he is doing so much better. I'm praying it continues.

• I can't believe it but I head back to work on Tuesday. All of a sudden, the reality of balancing parenthood, marriage, and teaching is hitting me like a ton of bricks.

• We did two half days and one full day of daycare this week, in order to prepare for next week, when he will attend full-time. I managed to get less emotional about it than I thought I would. But, it still kills me to leave him, and I miss him when he's gone. The test days went well, so here's hoping it stays that way.

• My PPD hit a pretty bad low during March. After weekly sessions with my therapist, some medication adjustments, and LF's improvement, I am finally feeling better. I must admit though, I feel a bit resentful (of myself I suppose) that so much of my leave was emotionally difficult for me. I won't dwell on this, but it seems as though as soon as I started to really enjoy motherhood, I'm back to work.

• My parents are moving here, cross country, to be closer to LF! I haven't lived in the same city as my parents since I was 18! Holy sh*t!

• For some reason the email notifications about comments went to my spam folder for my last entry! I'm sorry it took me so long to approve them. They are all set now.

• New LF pics are up! Enjoy!

I hope to be back to blogging more regularly, once I'm in a rhythm at work. I have a lot on my mind, and have had no chance to work it through here. I miss writing and have made a vow to myself to get back to it, one way or another. 


  1. What an angelic little face! Oh my god. Well I'm sorry your maternity leave was so difficult and is now ending. :( I'm sure that's no fun and that I'm going to be in your exact same shoes come late August! If only we lived in Europe and got a full year or more. I can't even think about that whole thing without getting really sad.

  2. That is such great news about your parents moving closer! That will be a big help, and will be such a privilege for LF. :)

    On the PPD front - do NOT beat yourself up about this. Motherhood is a lifelong journey and you will have so much time to heal and love and move forward. Shit happens and let's face it, infertility + delivery + newborn + lack of sleep + crazy hormones = disaster. You made it through and you're seeing light at the end of the tunnel. This is a celebration.

    We are so hard on ourselves ... I sometimes surprise myself with the crap I realize I am telling myself. I would never be friends with someone who said this sort of stuff to me or had these unreasonable expectations. You're doing great. You're a great mom and LF is one freaking cute kid!!!

  3. If it makes you feel any better, I can enjoy motherhood so much more being back at work. It makes me so appreciative of the time I have with little one and not take anything for granted. I dearly love her little smiles and cuddles when I get home and I am SO her person and I know that SHE knows it too, so my life feels really full now.

    I'm not the best stay at home person, although I did way better than I thought I would, I love my routine and being busy. When I went back to work, I looked at it more like going back to "real life" and integrating my family and daughter into life, which was really exciting. Also, I totally congratulated myself that I made it through the 4th trimester, because newborness is hard!! :)

  4. Glad to see this post! I'm so glad that you were able to get LF's reflux under control. Poor guy and poor you and KG! No one is happy when eating is painful.

    I'm going to second Alicia and emphasize that you shouldn't be beating yourself up. PPD (PAD and PD) are hard things to manage. The fact that you sought help is wonderful and something to celebrate. Though I do understand that it's frustrating to finally be at a point where you're enjoying motherhood only to be back at work.

    And woohoo on the parents moving!! So exciting!

    Be well lady. Sending love.

  5. Oh what a relief. I was praying that you would finally have improvement on feedings. I know it must be so nice for LF to eat comfortably.

    I have the same resentment about my leave. The first two months I wasn't able to fully enjoy my time off and make it count. I wish i could have that time back now. If it weren't for healing physically, I would tell people to do half their leave after delivering and the other half later on when baby and mommy are bonded.

    Good luck with work. It's tough at first, but when things become routine, it's much easier.

  6. Great update. Don't know what I would do if I lived in the same city as my parents. Good luck:-)

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