Friday, March 8, 2013

In and Out of the Fog

I'm here. Well, I should say that I'm not "here" (as in on the blog) but I am here, as in alive and breathing.

Where have I been? There are a few different parts to that answer.

1. Little Fab has only been cat-napping for the last month or so. Seriously, this kid is like a timer - 30-45 minutes, and then WIDE AWAKE. That's barely enough time to eat, use the bathroom, and make a phone call or wash dishes. But, if he is in bed with me, I get about 2 hours. Since I can not sleep during the day (did I pass this gene to my son?) I rest and breathe. But, if I move an inch he stirs. So, I've gotten good at surfing the web one-handed from my phone, or reading a book over his shoulder. While this isn't ideal, it is a good excuse to relax. It's also an excuse to cuddle with my boy, which is a kind of closeness I really need right now. After two months of struggling to continue the minimal nursing I was able to do (and yes, I tried EVERYTHING to get my boobs to cooperate), I finally threw in the towel. By the end, LF would only feed for 2-3 minutes at a time before he got so frustrated he would cry, so these naps are some of our only times to cuddle.

2. LF's reflux continues to be incredibly stressful. Although we have seen *some* inconsistent improvement, his feedings involve lots of time, struggle, and tears for him and for me. We have been on two different meds and three different formulas so far. We try different positions for eating and sleeping, singing to him, distracting him, etc. and still he struggles to comfortably eat. To boot, he also has ASTOUNDING gas and that also makes him squirm and cry during feedings. It also interferes with his ability to nap and stay asleep at night. As he gets bigger, we hope this will improve, but in the meantime we made an appointment with a pediatric gastroenterologist for the end of the month. As you can imagine, by the end of the day (especially one of his bad days) I am completely spent. I can barely muster the energy to chat with KG on some days.

3. This PPD thing is very up and down, and completely dependent on how LF is doing. I find his good days are my good days, and his bad ones are my bad ones.

On the upside, LF is beautiful, strong, and healthy (other than the reflux). Above, you'll see a page where I've added a couple of pictures. He really smiles and stares at us now, which makes things a bit easier. I can't tell you what a relief it is to see that little smile after a long, long night. Somehow he knows just when I need to see it.

I won't lie. Right now it is really hard to read blogs of new moms who are in bliss. The ones where babies take long naps, eat peacefully, and can be taken anywhere at any time. Someday I hope that isn't the case, but right now it is. I am deeply grateful for the baby I have, but he is a complicated little man that I'm still working on figuring out.

Off to attempt another 35 minute nap...


  1. I think all those blissful moms are lying, LOL. Seriously though, hang in there and you are doing a great job!

    He is adorable! Not sure if I saw pictures of him before this, but oh my goodness, what a sweet little doll.

    Hoping things start getting a little easier for you.

  2. Hang in there! This will get better. And in the meantime, what a cutie pie you have on your hands there! At least if he won't let you sleep, he'll be cute while doing it. :)

  3. I understand. I've been up since 1am and an completely spent and it's only 10:30 in the morning. Have things improved at all with the formula? I am hopeful that the gastro doc can set you on the right path soon. When is the appointment? I've been hearing from other moms that seeing a specialist can be key when it comes to reflux.

    I am so drained today that BG is working from home to help. But, like you, I can't nap when the sun is up, so all this means is that I've striped the bed, am on the second load of laundry and have had too much time to comfort eat. Pasta and brownies before 9am anyone? (does it count as breakfast if you've been up since 1?)

  4. Do you want to try to get together before you go back to work? I've been trying to work on getting out of the house more.

  5. Reflux is awful!! It takes so much more effort and requires a lot of intervention. I remember working with my niece and nephew when they were in the middle of some awful reflux. Feedings took close to 2 hours and was frustrating for everyone involved. Hang in there. This is certainly a hard part, but I'm glad to hear that LF is improving and hoping that your gastro-doc is able to help you find a solution.

    In the meantime, hang in there. I think of you often and hope that things continue to improve. BTW: I think the moms who are in bliss with newborns that sleep all the time are a myth. Right up there with unicorns that fart rainbows.

  6. oh, yes, the fog.... the Butzerl also is a terrible napper (never ever in his bed or the crib!), and nighttime sleep has also been highly overrated for the past 5 weeks.. I can't imagune going through all of this 'normal' sleep deprivation and having to contend with reflux horror.

    LF is absolutely cute. Hope the gastro doc will at least be able to help with the gas, and that the reflux will get better soon!

  7. HRF: He's beautiful mama! One look at that beautiful smiling little face tells you he's doing well. I hope you do find answers with PedGI, may you have one that works magic and gets you through this hump. Hang in there - know a lot of us are thinking of you and sending best wishes. As my mom always reminds me, this too shall pass.

  8. I could have written this post. Coop's gas is bad too and he really struggles to get through a feeding without straining and squirming like crazy. It is quite the ordeal. He also wakes a lot from naps because of it. I haven't had the energy to get him to see the doctor, but I am sure it will be in our future.
    Like you, I am about done with breastmilk. It is too hard and I have less than a week before I go back to work and pumping becomes rediculous. It's not worth the pain to only get a fraction of the amount he needs to feed him. So frustrating.

    He cries off and on all day when there seems to be no reason and it's hard to imagine having a content baby. I wouldn't say he is colicy but he does have some issues going on.

    I am glad to know I am not the only one barely hanging in there some days.

  9. I am dealing with reflux.. and it has drained me. It has made me question my mother instincts and has been very hard. I totally relate to the wonderful-ness of a smile after so many days of bouncing/rocking/swaying with a crying, fussy infant. Good luck with the GI doctor, we may be headed that route soon. Thank you for your honesty... too many times women are afraid to admit that life with an infant isn't always bliss.

  10. I am a new mom and started to loath the mums with babys sleeping 6 hour stretches at night (my girl gives me two at best) and having the easy babys that could be taken everywhere (mine starts to cry unconsolably in the stroller and in the carrier and the car seat, so I am kind of trapped). Add this to moving to a new city where I new no one, away from family and friends, with a husband away working all day long.
    But - it gets better. It really does. The first 3 months have been the hardest for me. I still have bad days, nights and hours, but they are outnumbered by the good ones. Still, I loath the mums in total bliss. May they be pooped on daily.


  11. I'm also pretty sure the blissful moms are lying. Maybe they're not but I feel like they must be. I also have a hard time reading their blogs and I kind of have stopped reading them for the most part (I do stop by and comment sometimes but most of the time it is too hard for me to read about people with their perfect angels who are just loving life!)

    One of my babies also only cat naps and it just drives me f---ing nuts. I can't stand it. I am going out of my mind. They don't sleep in the bed with me so I just get these stupid freaking nothing naps all day. Not to mention the other baby takes 15 minutes to fall asleep. So she is finally asleep and then my cat-napper wakes up and I have had 15 minutes alone and I am like NO WAY. THIS IS NOT FAIR.

    The only way they nap is if I go on a long walk. But I have to be in constant motion. So I guess that is good for my weight loss (lol) but I don't exactly want to walk for 2 hours every day. Although I do generally feel better on those days, I guess because of the exercise...

  12. So I'm behind the curve (new baby and all) but I just wanted to say how exactly you described our older kid. It was just purely awful for months (she had colic to go with the reflux so she would scream for a few hours a day too unless rocked just so and sung to). Just keep going. You can survive it. It is awful and I'm so sorry you have to deal with it. Hopefully something helps. Eventually it gets better.


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