Monday, July 29, 2013

Head Over Heels

As always, please take care of yourself if you are in a bad place with TTC. You may not want to read this entry.

I was looking at LF the other day and something hit me. Something that I wish had hit me the day he was born. I have fallen completely head over heels in love with this child. I have always loved him. I mean, he's my baby. Of course I love him. But this whole "in love" thing is more recent, and I'm not afraid to say it.

I am sure this post might not sit well with some people, but I am going to be 100% honest here. It took me a while to say with certainty that I am absolutely, completely happy about being a mom. If you've been reading for the past seven months, you know I got hit with a pretty bad bout of postpartum depression. The transition from pregnancy to motherhood was tough in a way I didn't expect. It has taken me a long time to get my feet back under me and REALLY start to enjoy our new life. I feel like I was in survival mode for many months, and then, all of a sudden, I look forward to every moment with my little man. Even on the tough days, he makes me smile and melts my heart.

Sometimes I feel incredible guilt about the fact that it took so long to adjust. Did I waste all that time before? Am I a bad mother because I didn't hear violins and feel soft music in the recovery room at the hospital? I don't know. But what I do know is that I am catching up quickly, and that is a great feeling.

Something similar happened with KG. BAM. One day, I was in love with him. Completely smitten. 12 years later, I still feel those flutters when I see him. Perhaps it just is part of who I am. I need some time to feel the sledgehammer. But once I do, look out. There's no stopping it.

Happy seven months, little man. Mama loves you and is IN LOVE with you. And I mean it.


  1. He's so sweet!

    And no, you didn't waste that time... You made it through a very difficult time. I think having experienced PPD will provide a benchmark for the happiness you feel now that you have overcome it.

    Your little man is adorable! Congrats on all the happiness you are feeling at 7 months!

  2. How did our babies get so big!?!? He's a cutie pie! Look at those socks! Hee hee.

    I appreciate your honesty. I love my daughter and want to eat her up I am so in love with her, but sometimes I still get nervous. The responsibility of parenting is just so huge and overwhelming at times. But it sure has the greatest rewards of anything else I've ever taken on in life!

  3. I really am the same way. I didn't nearly cry when looking at him right away. But every once in awhile, there's a moment that just completely melts my heart. And I didn't really know what that felt like before. I think in a lot of ways it makes sense that the love keeps getting stronger and stronger because you know him so much better. Seeing personality is jut amazing!

  4. I keep thinking that I am weird because I am not in love with my 22 week old baby in my belly...but I don't even know him or her yet. I'm sure that it will happen eventually....

  5. Thanks for being honest. I had ppd with both my kids and similarly I was in survival mode for the first few month. The head over heels part didn't come til about 6-7 months.

  6. He's such a cutie!
    I don't think you're a bad mother for not hearing those violins the second he was born. Actually, I think it's pretty normal. Even without suffering from PPD, it took me a while to actually fall in love with my Butzerl.

  7. We've talked about this, but I understand what you mean exactly. I wrote about it and continue to talk about it because NO ONE does. I know multiple people now who, even if they didn't get PPD, didn't feel IN love with their baby until they really began to show who they were.
    I felt like I didn't really know C for the longest time. I knew I loved him and would be completely there for his needs, but I didn't feel like I thought I would. And the guilt of being an infertile who didn't feel in love with her baby was harsh. It didn't help the blues I had.
    It was maybe at about 5 months that the sledgehammer hit me in the face. I freaking LOVED my son with every crazy mommy feeling I was capable. And yes, it's the best feeling in the world to be where I am now.
    Thank you for continuing to be honest here, it helps us all feel less alone.

  8. I also appreciate the honesty. I went through the same thing, though only for a couple of weeks. D was a job to me, I loved him because I was supposed to. Now, I look at my almost-6 month old and can't imagine NOT loving him. I think it's so interesting that our society believes in living together before marriage to make sure that we REALLY love someone...but then you're SUPPOSED to love this baby right away. Seems like a double standard to me.

    I felt so guilty for the way I was feeling and I felt like I had no one to turn to who wouldn't judge me. I think sharing this is powerful for others.


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