Friday, July 20, 2012

Attachment

No, not attachment parenting. I'm talking about blog attachment. Lately, I've had a difficult relationship with my blog.

I love this space. I am deeply attached to it. I have "met" (actually, I did meet Jen IRL for lunch yesterday! It was awesome!) incredible women through it, poured my heart out on it, ranted, raved, mused, and gained insight from comments. The blog is very important to me.

But.

I've been much less motivated to write lately. The other day, I wrote a post where I was extremely vulnerable. I had a really bad day. As I often do, when I'm struggling with an issue, I bring it here. For the first time ever, I got a nasty anonymous comment that kicked me while I was down. I know this comes with the territory when you write a blog, but it did sting. I have been living in a blogger bubble for the last year or so (never having had a troll before) so I don't have much experience shaking these things off. It made me pause for the first time about what I write here. I don't want that horrible person to have that kind of effect on me, or the blog. I know the more experienced bloggers might be rolling their eyes as they read this. I need to work at building a tougher skin.

Maybe my reluctance to write also has to do with how boring I've been lately. Because I am lucky enough to get to enjoy summer vacation, I've been spending my days running errands, finding day care for after my maternity leave (yup, 9 months early), lunching with friends, and reading. Exciting huh? By the way, the day care thing deserves an entirely separate post. What an education I gained over the last few weeks.

Really I think it comes down to the fact that the best benefit of being pregnant right now is the mental break I am getting from everything infertility related. I spent two and a half years stuck in a vicious cycle of mental anguish, followed by hope, ending with more mental anguish. It was exhausting but it fueled my writing. Now that I am feeling more confident that this baby might actually be born, it has given me an opportunity to actually be happy and spend some time quietly enjoying it. It's a foreign feeling. I even shipped off my leftover meds to a blogger who needed them, giving me a huge sense of relief. By mailing that box, I felt myself letting go of some of the pain that infertility laid on my shoulders.

Don't take any of this to mean that I am going to stop blogging. I am here. I am staying.

But it's taking me some time to accept that my blog is in transition. It's changing the way I am changing. I can't write about all the same things I did, because I'm preoccupied with new topics, as well as some of the old ones.

The truth is, I will always be an infertile. After this baby is born, I will still have PCOS. I will likely still never ovulate. I will need to unfreeze my embryos in order to have another child. None of that changes with the success of this IVF. But, the pregnancy has changed things. I am not strictly an infertile anymore. I'm something else. I'm also stronger, wiser, and have infinitely more gratitude.

This week, I volunteered in the RESOLVE New England offices for the first time. I met with the director and we talked about how one of the things RESOLVE is dealing with is how to keep women who have found success connected to the organization. This rang true for me (and the blog) as well. Volunteering for RESOLVE will continue to help me stay connected to our journey, and not just the result.

I still follow and root for all of the bloggers still struggling. Even if I don't always comment, I am reading and thinking of all of you. I am also thrilled for many of you who have been in the recent wave of BFPs. There sure are a lot right now! But, as expected, I lost a few followers over the last few weeks. I don't know if it is specifically because I am pregnant, or maybe I touched on controversial topics regarding medication and pregnancy (or even working outside the home?). I don't take it personally, but it did make me sad. It seems unavoidable to lose connection with some people once our situations change.

However, I'm hoping many of you will continue to stick with me while I get more comfortable with how I, and the blog, evolve.

26 comments:

  1. First of all I am at a complete loss on why someone would have left a nasty message on your blog. Obviously she is a pathetic, lonely, unhappy person. I am sorry that you had to deal with that. The first time it happened to me I was in complete shock and then realized that this is what those people want and they won't win. I put up comment approvals and then delete their asses. Glad you are staying with us! I love getting updates on your pregnancy :)

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    1. Thanks for being one of my most consistent commenters :)

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  2. I have been checking into your blog fairly regularly for the last couple of months. I consider myself fairly new to IF and very new to the blog world. We have been TTC for 18 cycles with 3 failed IUI's and we are about to start our first IVF with ICSI cycle. For me, I like to follow a couple of newly pregnant blogs that resulted from fertility treatments because it give me hope. Many of you also touch on the complex feelings that come from being an infertile who is now pregnant. I am hopeful that we too will become pregnant with fertility treatments and I worry how that will feel. I also believe it will be very difficult once we do become pregnant to relate to my other pregnant friends who have not experienced IF and it will be nice to share experiences through the blog world. Thanks for continuing to update us...it's nice to hear how your pregnancy is going :)

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  3. I have never understood why people leave nasty comments on other peoples blogs. If you don't agree with them then don't read them! Why must we put each other down? It makes no sense to me.

    Anyways though, I get having a hard time posting. I will think of posts I want to right and then chicken out for fear of upsetting someone who is still in the trenches. Yet I'm afraid to let my blog go, it has been a source of strength for me in the past year. I'm selfish enough that I don't want to not be part of the community anymore.

    I hope you stay though. I know in time blogs have to change and adapt over time but I will be there anxiously awaiting your next post.

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  4. First off, I am so sorry to hear about The One Who Posted the Nasty Comment. I'm new to blogging, so I have no idea how to deal with that, except to say that there are clearly so many people who love and support you and the meanies just don't deserve your time and energy. Regardless of my situation, I will continue to enjoy and read your blog. I'm one of the few in a unique situation right now -- I beat infertility once (hence, my daughter) and am here for the second go-around -- so I can relate to both the pregnant bloggers and the ones still in the trenches. But you're right...even after you have your baby, you'll still be an infertile. That doesn't change and it doesn't stop hurting. But I can only hope your little blessing will make everything ahead a bit easier to handle. Wishing you all the best!

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  5. Ugh. I don't understand the troll thing. My feelings would have been very hurt, too--I'm definitely in a bubble.

    I imagine it would be difficult to figure out where your blog is going once you're pregnant. I feel like I'm having a blog identity crisis all the time and I'm not even pg.

    I'm so glad to hear that you're feeling more and more positive about the pregnancy!

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  6. I'm sticking around! :) And I completely understand the limbo regarding the blog you are feeling now. I'm there, too. Just not as much to write about, it seems.

    With infertility, it dominated my whole life. So almost every day, I had something to share. This pregnancy, however, does not dominate my whole life. I do not spend as much time thinking, obsessing, and stressing over it. There are times I even forget I am pregnant (that will change in the coming weeks, I'm sure!).

    Perhaps that sounds bad. I think there are plenty of women, mainly who did not struggle with IF, who could easily blog every single day about their pregnancy. I just am not one of them. I really think it has a lot to do with still holding back, somewhat. Not letting myself become fully invested. Guarding myself.

    Anyway, <3

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  7. I usually just delete nasty comments and keep it moving, lol. Since it's YOUR space, you control what people can say here, ya know? Yeah I know, it's the internet but if people can't act right, we can pretend they don't exist ;-)... So that's my advice, delete their comments and smile as you do it because you have the final say! :)

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  8. I think your struggle is a universal one in the IF blogging community and everyone addresses it differently but I for one respect the way you've gone about it. That's not to say I don't respect the way others have gone about it, but I appreciate that it hasn't been the easiest journey for you. In some ways, it stings a little to see other bloggers get pregnant and then leap right into writing a pregnancy blog, without even a hint of apprehension or confusion or hesitation. I will of course keep reading and will hope to take a page out of your book when I get pregnant one day.

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  9. I feel exactly the same way about my blog. I just wasn't able to put it into words like you just did. But yes, I'm enjoying the mental break from IF, so don't have a lot to blog about right now. Summer is too beautiful to think about blogging indoors. :)

    But can you PLEASE write a blog about daycare and what you've learned? I skyped with my best friend who is a preschool/daycare director and mentioned you looking already and she said, I am LATE and to get on it NOW. Noooo! I'm not even ready to face GOING back to work, I"m totally in denial. She gave me a lot of helpful tips, but if you have some too, please share with the rest of us "late" people! Stressful!! :)

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  10. HRF - you have nothing, absolutely nothing, to apologize for. It's really strange, I don't think anyone starts writing a blog while they're struggling with infertility and says to themselves, "I am doing this so I satisfy the whims of some anonymous readers, so I'd better stick to approved topics!" We write because we want to write, or because we need to write, about our own lives and our own struggles and triumphs - nobody else's, and sometimes our stories take expected or unexpected turns. I'm so sorry that you were trolled and I'm glad to hear that you're staying. I, for one, will happily keep reading anything you care to share with us!

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  11. One of the things that consistently drives me crazy is how people turn on fellow IFers who are finally pregnant. Pain olympics ensues big time. Look, you've worked your butt off to get to the place you are. And pregnancy is a scary time, especially for someone who's been in this world for any amount of time. So write about it. Share it, because this needs to be shared.

    BTW: I think the anonymous troll is some crazy trolling the IF community (who's sick enough to do that anyway?!?!). More likely than not, it's some pathetic asshole who lives in their mom/dad/sibling's basement and is grasping for ways to feel better about themselves. I know it doesn't take away the sting of the comment, but please know that anyone who actually matters (i.e. has a soul) would not attack you in such a way. Remember that there's a reason trolls live under bridges.

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  12. I just got my first nasty blog comment, too! I wonder if it was the same person, trolling around the infertility blog world. :( :(

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  13. I'm not going anywhere. There are many of us that are transitioning right now and dealing with it in a variety of ways and for me its just another teaching/learning experience in this road that we all have in common this road we all endured that brought us to this transitioning point.

    I've been reading several other blogs who have gotten nasty commentors and you know what I just don't understand it. If you don't like something on someone's blog keep it moving. Don't spread negativity and bring the person down. I always tend to think these negative people can't possibly be from within the infertility community because those within the community of all understand the struggles. But in some cases it has been and I'm just really appalled and dismayed by how low people can be.

    I hope you continue to write even through this transition. Trust me when I say that someone out there reading is going through the same thing they may just be too scared or too confused to voice it, but through your voice they find solace, through your blog they can find some clarity.

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  14. Enjoy your happy time! When you feel inspired to write, you will. Something really GOOD has happened to you, and for a lot of people that's hard to swallow. It's disappointing that someone felt like taking their own misfortune and negativity out on you. Hang tough and enjoy this pregnancy!

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  15. I am still here too. Just been enjoying the amazing New England summer we are having. I haven't been in the mood to read in months (except blogs) and lately haven't been in the mood to comment on any blog. Not really sure why. I was going to start blogging following my guest blog for Resolve NE, but that hasn't really happened either. I want to, this weekend especially, as it is the 1 year anniversary of my diagnosis. I guess I have until tomorrow.


    I am definitely cheering you on, so keep writing.

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  16. I am still here too. Just been enjoying the amazing New England summer we are having. I haven't been in the mood to read in months (except blogs) and lately haven't been in the mood to comment on any blog. Not really sure why. I was going to start blogging following my guest blog for Resolve NE, but that hasn't really happened either. I want to, this weekend especially, as it is the 1 year anniversary of my diagnosis. I guess I have until tomorrow.


    I am definitely cheering you on, so keep writing.

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  17. I agree with what everyone has said here.... I LOVE your blog and I don't understand how someone could be so heartless. I'm also so glad to know that you are in that quiet, peaceful place simply enjoying your pregnancy. You deserve it SO MUCH!! don't let anyone take that away from you... Please do keep writing but also just enjoy this time. I'm thinking of you! xx

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  18. First of all, so glad we finally got to meet up in person! An hour for lunch just wasn't long enough to talk about everything. We must do it again. And let me know if you want to talk more about OBs. I'm also looking forward to your daycare post (I still haven't made any more progress!!)

    Secondly, grrr to negative commentors.

    And lastly, I feel you on the motivation. It's all I can do to keep up with my weekly notes to Luigi. I feel like I've gotten boring, and I'm getting fewer and fewer comments these days, which I understand. I still read a ton, but mostly on my phone while waiting for a file to open at work or something, and commenting there is just not the easiest. There are things I want to write about, but finding the time and energy has become a problem, as I'm trying to blog less at work, and spend more time in the evenings preparing for Luigi. But I miss it! And I too plan on sticking around, even if I remain slightly stalled out for awhile.

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  19. Don't apologize! You need to do what is right for you! Enjoy your pregnancy how you want to and we will be here waiting for when you feel like blogging. Sorry you got a nasty comment. It is their problem not yours.

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  20. I stumbled across your blog and I am so happy you are where you are in your journey. However, I know it is a never ending WORRY FEST! My hubby and I have been TTC for almost 8 years and I love to read stories that end with pregnancies and babies! I read your earlier post about you OB and I would be so annoyed. All you want is some guidance. It was like her answers were soooo wishy washy. I also read that negative comment and all I can say is WHATEVER.. Obviously that person has never been through infertility or anxiety issues and will never understand that you can't just 'RELAX" during your pregnancy. Stay strong and those that matter understand what you are going through. Have a great day and if you'd like, check out my blog. I am at a different part of the journey but would love your comments and advice.
    Crystal~
    www.findingjoyinthejourney-crystalmarie.blogspot.com
    Crystal~
    www.findingjoyinthejourney-crystalmarie.blogspot.com

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  21. Oh hon, sorry about the troll. I got one of those too at the beginning of my pregnancy and it was hard to deal with. Try to ignore them as much as possible so there isn't more fuel to the fire. Hopefully they will go away and stop reading.

    I understand about feeling the blog change. It's allowed to change with your journey. I found that keeping up my IF blog throughout infertility and pregancy really helped me maintain those relationships and build new ones with a whole other group of ladies. It's always very personal how we deal with out changing situations, but I am glad to hear you are sticking around regardless.

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  22. I found the same negativity all around the Internet when I was trying to read up on benzos and pregnancy. You and I went to the same clinic, one of the TOP PLACES IN THE WORLD about this research, and we both got the green light, weighing the pros and cons. There is a small risk, but it is quite small, especially at the dosages you are on. You can't bring questions like that even to your OB, because your OB doesn't specialize in that. You know who specializes in that? Perinatal psychopharmacologists. You know who also does not specialize in that? Random Internet commenters with imperfect spelling, grammar, and punctuation. I was on medication all throughout my pregnancy and still am while BFing, and you've seen my baby, and she is happy and whip smart and healthy healthy healthy. I know I would have stewed my baby in anxiety juice if I had gone off my meds.

    The world is also too keen to pit SAHM against "working" moms (I put it in quotes because ALL MOMS ARE WORKING), almost as if it's a distraction technique to stop moms all from uniting to make childcare affordable or staying at home affordable. The US's maternity leave policies are horrifyingly bad. You're always feeling like whatever choice you make is the wrong one.

    That said ... I don't know that the anon was a troll per se. She might have thought she was being helpful by saying you should just roll with it and not worry so much (except for the knee-jerk reaction to ZOMG MEDICATION DURING PREGNANCY). But she didn't sign her comment, so who knows.

    Re: your OB, I say listen to your gut. You can find a doctor or midwife who makes you feel more secure. I'm sorry your bad experiences were at MAH, but MAH is not a bad place to have a baby, if it comes to it. You always have options here for your healthcare, even all the way to birth/delivery. Remember I was ready to WALK out of my OB's office at 37 weeks if I didn't like her handling of the whole GD issue.

    Let's hang out soon, OK? We can chat about lots of things.

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  23. Sorry for my lack of commenting recently... but I've gotten very behind on reading.commenting :( Your blog is amazing... and so sorry that you had a nasty comment the other day... so cruel :( Thinking of you and your darling bub xoxo

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  24. Dear HRF,

    I want to apologize. I am pretty sure this post was about the Anon bitch, but my comment may also have been hurtful. It wasn't intended that way at all, but I am sorry anyway.

    I totally second all the people who say to find someone you can communicate with. Even if their answers might be equally non-specific, they can nonetheless be more *reassuring*.

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    1. You are sweet to say this. No worries at all.

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