No, not attachment parenting. I'm talking about blog attachment. Lately, I've had a difficult relationship with my blog.
I love this space. I am deeply attached to it. I have "met" (actually, I did meet Jen IRL for lunch yesterday! It was awesome!) incredible women through it, poured my heart out on it, ranted, raved, mused, and gained insight from comments. The blog is very important to me.
I've been much less motivated to write lately. The other day, I wrote a post where I was extremely vulnerable. I had a really bad day. As I often do, when I'm struggling with an issue, I bring it here. For the first time ever, I got a nasty anonymous comment that kicked me while I was down. I know this comes with the territory when you write a blog, but it did sting. I have been living in a blogger bubble for the last year or so (never having had a troll before) so I don't have much experience shaking these things off. It made me pause for the first time about what I write here. I don't want that horrible person to have that kind of effect on me, or the blog. I know the more experienced bloggers might be rolling their eyes as they read this. I need to work at building a tougher skin.
Maybe my reluctance to write also has to do with how boring I've been lately. Because I am lucky enough to get to enjoy summer vacation, I've been spending my days running errands, finding day care for after my maternity leave (yup, 9 months early), lunching with friends, and reading. Exciting huh? By the way, the day care thing deserves an entirely separate post. What an education I gained over the last few weeks.
Really I think it comes down to the fact that the best benefit of being pregnant right now is the mental break I am getting from everything infertility related. I spent two and a half years stuck in a vicious cycle of mental anguish, followed by hope, ending with more mental anguish. It was exhausting but it fueled my writing. Now that I am feeling more confident that this baby might actually be born, it has given me an opportunity to actually be happy and spend some time quietly enjoying it. It's a foreign feeling. I even shipped off my leftover meds to a blogger who needed them, giving me a huge sense of relief. By mailing that box, I felt myself letting go of some of the pain that infertility laid on my shoulders.
Don't take any of this to mean that I am going to stop blogging. I am here. I am staying.
But it's taking me some time to accept that my blog is in transition. It's changing the way I am changing. I can't write about all the same things I did, because I'm preoccupied with new topics, as well as some of the old ones.
The truth is, I will always be an infertile. After this baby is born, I will still have PCOS. I will likely still never ovulate. I will need to unfreeze my embryos in order to have another child. None of that changes with the success of this IVF. But, the pregnancy has changed things. I am not strictly an infertile anymore. I'm something else. I'm also stronger, wiser, and have infinitely more gratitude.
This week, I volunteered in the RESOLVE New England offices for the first time. I met with the director and we talked about how one of the things RESOLVE is dealing with is how to keep women who have found success connected to the organization. This rang true for me (and the blog) as well. Volunteering for RESOLVE will continue to help me stay connected to our journey, and not just the result.
I still follow and root for all of the bloggers still struggling. Even if I don't always comment, I am reading and thinking of all of you. I am also thrilled for many of you who have been in the recent wave of BFPs. There sure are a lot right now! But, as expected, I lost a few followers over the last few weeks. I don't know if it is specifically because I am pregnant, or maybe I touched on controversial topics regarding medication and pregnancy (or even working outside the home?). I don't take it personally, but it did make me sad. It seems unavoidable to lose connection with some people once our situations change.
However, I'm hoping many of you will continue to stick with me while I get more comfortable with how I, and the blog, evolve.